Childhood abuse, now I am a mother

[Cadda]

When I was around (detail removed by Moderator) years old my grandfather sexusally abused me. He did not rape me but kissed me on the lips using his tongue, hugged me without my consent, touched my private parts, and made me touch his. There was one time he was about to undress himself but got distracted. I don’t want to think about what would have happened if he wasn’t distracted and I haven’t had the courage to seek out of the room.

I haven’t been able to talk about until now. I am the mother of a (detail removed by Moderator) months old babygirl now. The birth of her was traumatic, and I decided to go to a therapist. Everything my grandfather did came up.. He is still alive.. I told my therapist about it. My problem is that I feel like I can’t trust anyone to take care of my daughter once in while. I feel the need to be with her all the time. Like in need to protect her. I don’t even want anyone else to hold her.

I am so lost. I don’t know what to do..

[Lisa]

Dear Cadda,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for the post.

It is not uncommon that talking about a recent traumatic experience can trigger the memory of a past one. You have been very brave opening up to your therapist. In the long term you will benefit from working through this, but in the short term it must be a very difficult time as you try to process it all.

The response you have to your child and wanting to protect her sounds completely natural. Hopefully you can talk this through more with your therapist but perhaps you could start slowly, spending time with your child and a trusted friend or family member, before you even consider leaving her. If you don’t have to rush into anything for practical reasons then I’d following your instincts and give yourself some time. How you’re feeling now doesn’t mean you’ll always feel this way.

I’d also recommend having a look at the NAPAC Website– they have a helpline and lots of useful online resources, as well as access to support groups. It might help to connect with others who have been through childhood abuse.

Kind Regards and Keep Posting,

Lisa

[nbumblebee]

Hey,
I know just how you feel. Luckily for me i had all boys if i had a girl im not sure how i wouldve felt so I really do understand.
Talking is a must trusting someone with this is never ever easy but you have done or did anything wrong and the shame is not yours to feel.
Try and confide in a friend someone you trust kids are hard work and you may need help sometimes so finding someone you love and trust is important trust them with your story first.
Good luck xxxx

[Cadda]

Thank you both for your reply.

I will definitely talk about it with my therapist. However, since I told my therapist I have been feeling even more lost and confused.

My grandfather is still alive and lives with my grandmother. I really like my grandmother but since I opened up, I am not sure what I am feeling anymore. I used to vist her often and still want to see her but I feel like my grandfather doesn’t have the right to even look at my daughter or making her laugh. I don’t want him to interact with her like he is a nice guy. He is just bad and I don’t want to be around him acting like every is fine anymore. Nevertheless, I am sure I won’t be able to tell my mother or my grandmother what he did ever. Even though it feels wrong as well. Shouldn’t they know? Shouldn’t they know what an awful human being he is? I also have younger sisters.. One of them doesn’t visit my grandparents.. What if he abused her as well.. I tried to talk to her about it but couldn’t find the right words.

I also want to tell my husband, he is very understanding and supportive. But I don’t know how. I feel weak and I hate feeling weak and lost. I need to be strong for my daughter but I won’t be able to pretend everything is fine any longer.

Thank your both for reassuring me that my feelings are natural and I don’t overreacting. I am maybe able to ask my sisters or my mother to help me taking care of my daughter someday. But I don’t know if I will ever be able to leave my daughter with the in-laws particularly with her grandfathers or great grandfathers..

Thank you for letting me share my story.

[orangefrog]

Thank you for sharing Cadda. I’m sorry you had to experience this abuse. I think you’ve been incredibly brave to share it with your therapist let alone any family members. Your reaction is so natural for your daughter.

You have validated the abuse I experienced in childhood. I didn’t think it was “much” but reading your account (which is so similar to my experience) made me realise I wouldn’t accept it happening to anyone else and it is abuse.

Strangely I feel lucky my Grandfather died and I don’t have to worry about protecting my child from him directly. I have always worried about opening a can of worms if I were to disclose it to a family member. My mum left home very young… Why? I have relatives of a similar age – were they subjected to it too? Going forward how do I protect my baby? I’ve never written any of this down or said it to anyone – I’m even scared to post it, but maybe I’ll just press submit like you did.

Thank you again. I’m sorry I don’t have the answers.

[Cadda]

@orangefrog thank you for your response. I am sorry to hear that you had to experience something similar.

I don’t feel brave at all I rather feel confused and lost. The only thing I am sure about is that I have to protect my daughter at all costs.

I often think about how much easier it would be if my grandfather wouldn’t be with us anymore. He is an old man now and disabled due to his age and not a threat anymore but still I don’t want to be around him.

I absolutely understand your thoughts as I feel the same. I tried to talk about it with one of my sisters but couldn’t find the right words. I buried those experiences deep inside me, talking about them will make them real again; and I am not sure if I want them too.

After what I experienced how can I be sure that my daughters grandfathers aren’t like him. How can I trust them. I love my father, but so does my mum loves her father. My father in law is also a very loving person but I am not sure if I will ever be able to trust him..

It’s such a mess and I am really struggling.

[Author]

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