Children and contact

[Kitkat44]

Hi all, so I haven’t been out long, he doesn’t know where I am and I have no direct contact with him. However the abuse continues via him not allowing me to see our children.
They are ok, we are in touch by text and pho calls (they are teens) and children’s services are involved. I know he can’t keep up the persona of amazing dad much longer because if he was one we wouldn’t be in this mess.
I have had legal advice and it won’t look good for him the longer he rejects my suggestions for seeing them.
Any advice? We have equal rights so he knows if any of them come to me and don’t want to return to him they and I have every right to allow them to stay here.
Needed to vent.
Despite the pain of being without them I am feeling so free, calm and joyful to be away from him.
Xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Kitkat,

I’m so glad you have managed to get out and that you are actually feeling the benefit for yourself by being away from him and feeling happier.

Are your children happy and ok? The benefit of them being teens is that they can actually do something if they want to, teenagers can be very wilful! They may be upset that you have left and that is natural for any child when their parents split up, but I believe they chose to remain at the family home with him rather than come with you, so are they still happy with that arrangement? Unless he is keeping them a prisoner in the home and refusing to allow them to come out then you should be able to arrange to meet up with them somewhere. If not, that is concerning.

Sadly, the consequences of leaving an abuser is that we end up having to share the care of the children with them and learn to live without them 24/7. I found this so hard to begin with but as time went on it became easier because my son seemed to be happy with these arrangements and they became his ‘normal’ to live in the week with mum and the weekend with dad. His dad never changed from being an abusive man so my son still saw that going on with the woman he would be with at the time, but there was nothing I could do about it as the court ordered contact to take place. In time, I got to enjoy my child free time and the freedom to be ‘me’ again. In later life I became full time mum 24/7 (can’t give more detail here as it will get removed) and my son had holiday visits with dad, but on the whole, he was happy with the arrangements, or at least accepted them. Of course it didn’t always go smoothly and he’d come home with some upsetting scenarios to tell me, but that had to become his normal life.

It’s not the life I wanted for my son but it was the life we had to get accustomed to in order for me to get away from the abuse. I know this is hard for you, but if your children are happy with the arrangements and are not on the phone to you in tears and with pleas for you to come and get them I believe your current situation is only temporary.

Best wishes,

xx

[nbumblebee]

I cant comment on your question but I wanted to just say hey and how amazing you are for getting out. Ive been thinking about you.
Teens are incredable creatures and know and understand so much more than we give them credit for. I can only imagine the heart break you feel by leaving them but you know and they know it was the right choice stand strong stand firm and believe in yourself. Like you say he is in the wrong here totally and hopefully other will see that too and you will get your kids back. I hope you have lots of help and support wishing you so much love and hugs x*x

[Kitkat44]

Thank you both for your replies, I did get to spend a few hours with them last week. It was so so good to see them, and we had a truly lovely, easy and fun time together.
They are all ok, I don’t think it will always be this way which is part of the reason he is trying to control it! He knows they’d be happier with me long term.
I am focusing on healing myself and trusting that all will come good. I am so incredibly glad to be out of that relationship, old friends I’ve been in touch with have said I sound like me again!
Xx

[nbumblebee]

Ahhh i love your last sentence good on you sweetie you should be so proud of you xxxxxx

[cakepops]

I know you can’t give ages, so I will suggest a few things.

If they are late teens, they can effectively decide for themselves where they want to live, and who they want to spend time with. No one can, for example, make a 16 year old live where they don’t want to.

I assume thought that they are either younger teens or more spread out in age. At that sort of age if court gets involved they will be given the chance to input to decisions. If you are able to stay calm and reasonable and show your children that you are the safe and secure person (that I’m sure you are) this will go in your favour when they are asked their views.

Court most commonly takes the status quo and slowly changes it towards shared care. You are right that the longer he refuses contact the more this makes him look unreasonable, but equally the longer he is the resident parent the more likely this will continue. I would be looking to get a court hearing asap. Mediation isn’t appropriate where there’s been abuse so you are fine to decline this.

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