This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  itwillbeokay 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #70267
     Nannycuddle 
    Participant

    Hello 🌺

    Since joining this amazing community several days ago I am in awe of the strength and empowerment encouraged through messaging and sharing of lived experiences. So many courageous voices x

    In advance I apologise if this topic is upsetting or triggering for any of you. My hope is that we can support each other with advice regarding strategies for children experiencing separation anxiety and equally for mothers/guardians who feel the same when children are away from their care.

    Thank You for listening and taking the time to read 🌺

  • #70275
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Hi there,
    This is a subject that been on my mind today. I needed some advice because at the moment im applying for courses. Im applying for the same course as my eldest daughter (coincidentally) but also probably because we both like a bit of psychobabble lol Of course we dont talk anymore and it dawned on me that really isnt an option, to call my own daughter.

    It feels like were so busy in our lifes that we plod on, stay strong for our other children. Then suddenly the pain of not seeing my daughter really hits me. I miss her alot but i cant have her in my life.

    I cant believe that from what we had,i spent all my time with he, went to uni to give her better things and a good role model to look up to. Of course it wasnt all rosey ( we did experience some very tough times at the hands of my ex,her dad) we now have nothing. What makes it worse is that i am judged for this happening. It is unimaginable how much pain and dysfunction abusive men can cause in their inept parenting.They learn so much from what they see and it creeps in so insidiously.I try my hardest to put a brave face on, but tonight im struggling. i have another chance with my youngest and i plan to vear well away from the mistakes i made before. i know i will always regret choosing the man i did to be the father of my kids xx who knows what the future holds, i do hold a wee glimmer of hope that one day that i can be her mum again. i cant go on ignoring this and pretending to other people everything is fine.Im so ashamed of whats happened xx

    This is probably a bit heavy, so i do apologies and hope not triggering anyone as above. i think i need to get that off my chest xx diy

  • #70287
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi DIY 💞. one day your daughter will need you, she’ll realise that you did what you did to survive. That’s your we glimmer off hope right there. I dont have a relationship with either of my kids because of my OH, I have a slight one with my daughter but she’s so intolerant,( probably very angry at me if I look deep into it)and she speaks to me the way he does that I can’t be around her for long. I always allowed her her voice, when I tried to say you can’t speak to me like that I’m your mum, he’d jump in and say f..k her, you tell her she doesn’t tell you. Yet if she treated him the same way, he gave her the silent treatment for weeks. My OH hates my son now, he accused him of sexual abuse months back then retracted it saying he’d made it up to hurt me as much as he was hurting. He apologised and said he shouldn’t have said it. I told my oh this, yet he’s adamant I didn’t tell him, then says my son should have apologised to him. How can a grown man who was emotionally verbally and physically abused at times, be expected to give him an apology. I understand DIY how you feel. It’s all a mess and i wonder if it’ll ever be unravelled

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70373
     itwillbeokay 
    Participant

    I will be following this with interest. And a heavy heart. My older boy (still very young) infrequently brings Daddy up and sometimes it then progresses to when will I see Daddy (and Granny and Grandpa). I left early last year and handovers and behaviour between handovers deteriorated to the point where I said it had to be organised through a solicitor so it was safe and consistent and involving both our children. He insists it’s ny fault he has no relationship with the very young one even though he was with him 24/7 for the first year of his life due to being unemployed so I’d say percentage wise saw him more than your average working father. Anyway I digress. At the point I said solicitor to arrange contact he has not seen either of them. On the one hand no contact has been hugely healing for me although hugely devastating as well. But I also have very difficult emotions over the fact he doesn’t see his children, nor do the grandparents. It’s all gone so far the wrong way now but I no longer know what the answer even is. It’s like he’s just discarded them as I don’t want to live with him anymore. I feel very sad and guilty for my sons and worried they will one day blame me. The older one recognises his cousins have a Daddy at home and that Daddy’s pick up from school etc. I bought a book about separated parents. A lot of it not suitable though as says we will both see you lots and do fun things. I struggle to know what to say in an age appropriate way really.

    Support and advice would be nice.

    Much love xx

  • #70380
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi itwillbeokay, is there any way the grandparents could see your children without him, or have they shown abusive traits to. It’s very difficult to cut the older relatives out of our lives if they’ve not been a part of the whole breakdown of the relationship. (I’m sorry I cant remember if they’ve taken his side in this.) IF its possible for them to have a relationship without yuour ex being brought into the mix that would be beneficial to your children and them. But if they are part of the problem then unfortunately they’ve not got any right to see their grandchildren. People need to learn that their actions have consequences. Abusers think they’re immune, they’re not.
    It’s nice to see you on here again, I hope all is Better with you. 💜

    IWMB 💕💕

    • #70482
       itwillbeokay 
      Participant

      Hello,

      It is difficult to explain as before leaving and for the entirety of our long relationship I got on just fine with my in-laws, no problem at all. But since leaving I now feel certain my husband and brother in law are like they are because of the way she brought them up, the father was away. I’ve not had a problem with her until leaving but she is a cold callous critical difficult opinionated and possibly emotionally abusive woman and in all of their eyes I am evil, I shouldn’t have left, it’s all my fault, there’s zero acknowledgement for the facts, I’ve received difficult blame shifting guilt tripping messages of the passive aggressive variety, filled with covert viscousness. I haven’t bothered to defend myself. What is the point with these types of people. I put her in the same category for the need for no contact as my husband, I simply cannot imagine being able to have contact with any of them ever again as they and anything to do with them triggers me hugely. It’s all very sad. I don’t know what the answer is, I really don’t 🙁

  • #70433
     Nannycuddle 
    Participant

    Sorry for delayed response but thank you for taking the time to share your personal (painful stories) 🌺 Been a difficult few days and I wanted to acknowledge your posts with the respect they deserve x

    diymum – you have nothing to be ashamed of 🌸 Hold on to that glimmer of hope. Here anytime by private message if you would like someone to listen.

    IWMB – I’m a newbie here full of admiration and respect for you – You inspire and empower women with your messages of support. Agree with your advice on this thread – you are walking an unimaginable path yourself, sending a big hug x

    itwillbeokay – I hear everything you say x Do you have a photo album for the children so that you can talk with them about ‘who they are and people who love them’ when they reach an age of understanding. I hope some of the other women here can support you with suggestions, particularly about age appropriate conversations. Here anytime to listen 🌺

  • #70436
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Thank you Nannycuddle, your words have taken me by surprise., to think someone else thinks so highly of me after all the years I’ve put up with such negativity from my husband for so long, it’s very humbling and I’m a bit speechless. (Detail removed by moderator). I so wish I could take my own advice but then do we ever.
    Best wishes
    IWMB 💕💕

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