This topic contains 17 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  maddog 6 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #71830
     maddog 
    Participant

    My ex refuses to have his mail delivered to his house and expects me to let the children deliver it for him. I am absolutely livid. I do not want this man’s mail in my house because he can’t be bothered to sort it out. It feels like a way to control me and to have power over the children. Why should the children be used as pawns like this?

  • #71831
     KIP. 
    Participant

    They don’t have to be used in this way. It’s quite cheap to have his mail redirected which you could do to solve the problem. Or you could write “not at this address, return to sender” and repost it, the mail should eventually stop. I know how triggering it is to see stuff with his name on and you’re right about it still being controlling behaviour. Once you deal with it, the anxiety will stop. The other thing that I’d be concerned about is why he’s still us8ng your address? Why doesn’t he want these organisations to have his new address. Even more reason to return to sender x

  • #71832
     maddog 
    Participant

    I’m RTS what comes through the letterbox. (detail removed by Moderator) I discussed it with my solicitor and she said he can re-arrange his own post. (detail removed by Moderator) I am livid. You’re so right KIP that it’s triggering.

    I wonder if he was a significant landowner if he would have in his rental agreements that the tenants should forward whatever mail to him came their way on the basis that he owned the property?

    (detail removed by Moderator) I really think the law in this country is stupid beyond measure and none of the bits know what the other is doing. I am really angry.

  • #71833
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Maddog, do you know where he lives, would it be worth it to pay for redirection yourself. This is definately a mockery (detail removed by Moderator), could you go back to solicitor and get this reassessed?
    Deep breaths💞
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #71834
     maddog 
    Participant

    I’m not paying for any redirection! (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator) there is nothing joined up about the legal system.

    I have contacted my solicitor to say that I am mortified (detail removed by Moderator) It is not something I agreed to.

  • #71837
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Try not to let it get to you. That’s what he wants. I know even now when I see something with his name on it I get an anxiety attack. Occasionally I get mail for him which goes back to sender. Only so the sender won’t keep sending. It’s their little game of keeping a hook in your life but that’s all it is and it won’t last forever. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

  • #71840
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Return to sender sounds best case scenario tbh.
    💕💕

  • #71841
     maddog 
    Participant

    If only the sender would stop sending. Yes, it’s a little hook. I do not want the children to be used like this. I do not want them being go-betweens. I do not want them growing up worrying about post that does not concern them.

  • #71865
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Phone the sender yourself and tell them he no longer lives there and ask them to stop sending/take him off mailing list. I did this for our doctor when stuff kept arriving from them x

  • #71866
     maddog 
    Participant

    Thank you KIP for another hot tip!! Have just done that. Despite having lots of things returned one organisation keeps sending. I have told my solicitor that I would not sign for this in a fit of blue especially since we had discussed it.

    I really object to him using the children like this. There is no reason for it apart from control, and to control the children.

    How does he know that the children don’t file his mail in the bin? Or if it is eaten by an animal? Or if it delivered to the wrong address? It used to me who picked up stray post.

    It’s not about the post per se but as you’ve mentioned already, control and keeping a hook in.

  • #71868
     KIP. 
    Participant

    He knows nothing but he fishes. Throws out accusations and reads the children’s reactions. This is what they do. He will probably accuse you of doing all of the above with the mail just because he can. Ignore, smile and enjoy the peace n quiet 😃. Silly little man x

  • #71875
     maddog 
    Participant

    I have told the child he uses for his mail drops that there is no mail. They don’t understand why I won’t let them do it. The younger one is far more his pawn than the elder. She is fast learning how to gaslight which is terrifying. I resent having my reality nullified and negated.

    Oh yes I am sure the accusations will come flying.(detail removed by Moderator) I know this is just to annoy me and when he gets a letter from his solicitor he will change his mind. It is beyond maddening that there are no consequences for threatening behaviour. It is the children who suffer. It is hard to make the house our home.

    I doubt he will have another relationship and his next step is probably death. I think he wants to make his mark before he dies. He has too much vitriol coursing through his bloodstream. Saying that, so did other members of his family and they thrived on it!! He may go on forever!! AAAgggghhhhhh.

    I would just like him to go away. It’s far harder for the children and for now it is not for me to stop them from seeing him. He has not been horrible to the elder child and I think she longs to be loved by him and for now he is pretending.

  • #71896
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Do the kids have an understanding of gaslighting etc? im not sure how old they are. Although its quite hard to sit them down to talk about these things. Its worth giving them the heads up as to whats going on. Abit of insight is sometimes the best way forward – being in the dark is alot more confusing for them. It prepares them to deal with him and to realise what and why hes doing this. Remember the key to putting these guys in their place is to reveal them for the weak men that they really are xx diy mum

  • #71897
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Hes put you in a s****y situation the best way forward is to tell the kids the truth educate them.The best that comes out of that is it prepares them when they come across abusers in their lifes. It might help them keep these people well away from them which is a good thing xx

  • #71928
     maddog 
    Participant

    I spoke to one of the case workers at my local WA because I was so angry I really thought I might drive into a tree. I am so furious with the way the justice system works or apparently doesn’t work. My language was blue and I cried a lot. I am so fed up with that my ex blocks everything just for the sake of it, then of course blames me. He launched an attack on me for turning down a low offer on the house, which within days was increased and screamed that I was being obstructive. I have recorded evidence of his attitude.

    My solicitor is being helpful. I am so angry that my ex is being so obstructive at every turn, and I have no alternative than to spend ££££ on a solicitor to defend the stupidity. I told my solicitor that I have had enough of solicitor ping pong and hopefully there is a solution in the pipeline.

    I just hope the next court hearing exposes him for what he is.

  • #71958
     maddog 
    Participant

    My fury has subsided. I cleared out my younger daughter’s room as though to prepare for someone else. I found so many filthy clothes and festering food. It was beyond having a disgusting room and I don’t think she was aware of how bad it was. I was furious. I threw nothing away.

    When she arrived home I told her (detail removed by moderator). I asked her to tell me (detail removed by moderator)

    When I went up to see how she was getting on, she was sitting on her bed, looking at her full bookshelf and I think feeling pleased that her books were now in order. Still much to do and she has reams of paper that need sorting out. Finally a breakthrough of communication. She seemed far calmer. I really struggle to know how to help her as usually there is so much darkness.

  • #71967
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Maddog, that wee bit of breakthrough makes everything else pale doesn’t it.😊 I remember feeling such dark thoughts and getting so very angry when my oh had allowed his stuff to build up and build up. Of course I couldn’t ask him to move it or put it away as I knew where it would lead, but living in such chaotic surroundings definately made me so angry. It’s amazing how calm I feel seeing less mess around, though he is letting it slide again. It’s not as if I can bin his stuff, but how do you teach an adult this is unacceptable.
    It looks like your daughter is getting calmer because her personal space is calmer, it’s maybe a way to talk about her anger and show her how different she is now her own space is slightly less messy. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, not sure I’d choose to do it, if I knew just how hard it really is.
    I remember how angry I was as a teenager, just going in to puberty, that uncontrollable rage every month, it was scary. But i outgrew it,I had to, in order to be accepted as a member of society. The only other times I’ve been that angry was being with my ex when I no longer wanted to be married to him, and in menopause. It’s funny cos I’ve not had that desire to lose my temper so thoroughly with my oh, but I’m aware it’s creeping into my life bit by bit. My tolerance levels are definately decreasing.
    I hope you all find a way to work out the issues left behind after leaving your ex. It’s okay to be angry, so long as it’s not aimed at the ones we love. 💞
    Take care
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #72000
     maddog 
    Participant

    It’s so hard when I feel as though I am forever dodging bullets. My ex will not let up. I have told my solicitor that solicitor ping pong is not acceptable. It is just horrific being on the defence all the time. I need some tactics to change the game.

    My daughter has asked me what help I am getting for myself and for her and her sister. The list goes on. Help for the children has been sooooooo slow. It is only now beginning to come through.

    It is heartbreaking to watch a child close down. She can be absolutely lovely and thoughtful and kind. To see her close herself in, to hear her tell the gp that there’s nothing wrong… that she is disappearing.

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