children from my previous relationship

[Zebra]

Hello all I just wanted to see if anyone has any experience with children from there last relationship and an emotional abusive stepfather. I’m kind of at a loss because I feel like if I ask for help and mention that he has been name calling the both of us, shouting screaming, blaming and shaming especially her because she’s an easy target , social services will get involved… I’m a good mum I always stick up for my daughter I don’t just let him get away with it but it’s so much and overwhelming at times for peace I just have just asked her to be quite and not respond and asked her not to respond. I do have 2 children from this relationship and I can see we are treated completely differently to his children.

hopefully someone can relate !

[Bananaboat]

Sadly this is quite common. Just like you I stood up for my eldest, protected them and asked them to be quiet or not reply but with hindsight, what I thought was best probably wasn’t because I was silencing their voice, making them small, stopped their friends coming round etc which I now see was all to appease my abuser.

initially he got in my good books by acting like a dream step dad, but slowly he played us off. When his child visited we had to comply with their wants & needs – they were the golden child. When challenged he’d bite back that I was the awful person for daring to question (as the kids were all different ages so had different interests but )in his eyes only his child’s mattered during that time.  People, including children are just pawns in a game to get what the abuser wants or needs, it wasn’t until I had a child with him and saw how all kids were treated that I realised something was really wrong and it wasn’t just because we were a blended family.

My other realisation since leaving is that however much I thought I was shielding my kids, they still heard or saw stuff, they felt the tension in the air during the cycle and became hyper sensitive to sounds and his actions. They also grew to not get fully excited about Christmas, birthdays or holidays because they knew he’d cause some issue and that was a big one for me – they only get so many Christmas etc as kids, and we only get a handful of chances to make memories and enjoy those times. You deserve better x

[Zebra]

I feel like you have lived my exact situation. I am planning to get out just financially stuck at the minute. With private rent prices , bills , food everything up I don’t want to plunge myself and kids into absolute poverty. Well done for your courage to leave and recognising all the signs! Honestly I’m just absorbing it all now and realising what I have been in for quite a few years.

[Bananaboat]

Good luck, half the battle is accepting he really is that person so well done for starting the ball rolling. I hope you get a new start soon until then it really helped when I started acknowledging his behaviour to my eldest and saying it’s not ok that he does or says that to you, just to reassure them it’s not on them xx

[Zebra]

Thank you so much I’ve voiced this to her and told her it’s not her fault at all and he is a grown adult and she is just a child. I give her as much 1-1 time as I can to try and balance it all out. It’s just so hard. I’ve got. Call with solace next week so hopefully will maybe get a few things clear in my head and manage to put a plan together. It’s financial issues that are really stopping me from moving on at the minute so hopefully can get past this hurdle and should be fine

[aho24]

Thank you for asking this. I’ve got a similar situation going on here and my oldest children (not his) are struggling with the tension and atmosphere in the house. He seems to thrive on picking on them. It’s not so easy to leave when you have no way of funding it and there’s nowhere to go. My older children keep themselves tucked in their room most of the day during weekends and holidays. My youngest son (partners dad) gets all the attention but I can never have 1-1 with my older children as I’m seen to be ‘favouring’ them. It’s horrible, I worry they think I’m not sticking up for them but this post has made me realise I need to speak to them (they’re of a relatively good age of understanding this) and tell them that I don’t condone the way that my partner speaks to them. It’s really sad.

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