Children used as flying monkeys

[Lifebegins]

Hi Wise Ladies

I was wondering if anyone has experience of their children being used as flying monkeys by their ex?

I’m currently (detail removed by moderator) with my ex. I have a non-molestation order and have been using 3rd party (ex’s family member) for child contact. There has been zero contact between me and my ex since the day I left.

It’s been a while since I left but since (detail removed by moderator) but I’m dealing with that.

Relationship with 3rd party has been courteous until very recently when they started corresponding with me in a very unpleasant and inappropriate manner which caused me a lot of upset. So I dealt with that.

Now I’ve got my child confronting me about information that was disclosed as part of the legal proceedings. It could only have come from my ex. It’s not even something to be made an issue of; it’s a fact and it’s not a secret but it’s my private business and it’s really affected my child hearing it. This is the not the first time that my ex has told my child my private business and he’s continually smearing me to my child.

My child thinks the sun shines out of his a*%$ and has said they won’t say that my ex said anything so my word against theirs if I do anything about it legally. I’ve been really floored by this as it’s so hurtful for your child to believe that you are the bad person, the liar, the troublemaker, etc when it’s in fact the reverse. I don’t say bad things about my ex despite having a huge amount of ammunition.

He knows my child is my Achilles heel. I can’t believe he would stoop this low but I guess he’d do anything to win. I was so shocked when my child told me (detail removed by moderator) that I did try to defend myself and it ended up in a row and they’re being really cheeky and horrible to me now. It feels a bit like being abused all over again although I hate to say it.

I’m proud of how I’ve stood up to this bullying abusive n********t with everything he throws at me and that every day I’m getting stronger. Despite all the legal stress, I’m starting to move on with life and am feeling, funnily enough, really optimistic about the future. But. I know this is going to be a constant with my ex, badmouthing and smearing me to my child. He’s done it with everyone else but I don’t care what others think and have cut them off so not working for him anymore. With my child though it’s different. They live with me the majority of the time so there’s no escape.

Unfortunately, due to my child’s age my ex is going to be in the picture for a long time so any advice for dealing with this, both for my child and for my sanity would be very gratefully received xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Lifebegins,

Sadly, this is what abusers do. They want to ‘defend’ themselves so they get the kids involved to get the kids on ‘their side’. They are selfish, immature, grown adults involving their children in grown up situations thinking that the children have the maturity to understand it and willingness to agree with them. This is where the gaslighting turns towards the children. This is harmful to the children as we all know, but it is very hard to get any agencies to take this on board, or for courts to forbid contact on this basis alone.

The only way I can suggest dealing with this is by ignoring it with a pleasant comment such as “I’m not really interested in what Dad says darling, how about we go and do (something else) now. I understand it so tempting to tell our children our side of the situation, or correct something that we know is wrong, but this then puts the child back in the conflict of trying to understand what is going on and which parent is lying or telling the truth. Actions speak louder than words. If your ex is telling your child that you were abusive it’s no good telling your child you wasn’t. Does your child see or hear you being abusive to them or anyone else? Probably not. They have to process what they are being told to what they actually know, see, hear, feel. It must be so awful having to deal with this. I am so grateful that in my childhood this never happened to me. However, I know what it’s like as a Mum to have to deal with this because my ex would tell our son awful things about me too.

I assume your son’s school know what is happening? It may be worth letting them know that you are experiencing some difficult behaviour with him at home due to the situation between you and his Dad and ask if this is manifesting in other ways at school. Children will often behave differently at school when they are affected with conflict and his teachers may well pick up on this. Some schools have counsellors, or have counsellors that come in at the school’s request. My son had school counselling and external counselling at different stages of his life due to the continued animosity his Dad displayed to me.

Things did get worse for me at one point (I’ll PM you) but eventually things got back on track and I now have a grounded, and responsible young man (albeit he does show some signs of ‘entitlement’ every now and again!)

You are doing the absolute best you can in such trying circumstances. It really is one mountain after another on this journey, but the strength and knowledge you gain along the way is so empowering.

Best wishes, xx

[iliketea]

Yep, I think its page 989 of their manual. Its the very last chapter for them, think its called “Reaching Even Greater Depths: How to be a total and utter low life”, something like that. Its a last resort tactic. The best thing you can do is equip your child to recognise abuse and abusive behaviour and then when he is older enough he will be wise enough to make his own judgements. In a rush but will write more later. Didn’t want to read and run. Betsy de Thierry runs the Trauma Recovery Centre and they produce some good information and support books. (detail removed by moderator)
Thrive programme at school too will help too.
Have you read the Yellow Bible on this by Lundy Bancroft – (detail removed by moderator)
More later hun. Hang on in there, THIS TOO WILL PASS. xx

[Author]

Posts