Children with the abuser

[mysunflower]

Hi, so its been over (detail removed by moderator) now that he left and i am free! however the children finally went to stat with him over the weekend for the first time since we broke up, all went better than expected and i didnt spend to much time around him, i dropped them off and picked them back up again.
the only problem is that my (detail removed by moderator) was really upset and confused and at one point refused to come home without daddy. (he is only (detail removed by moderator)) this almost made me take him back just for my son, but then i quickly remembered how far i have come.
Has anybody else been through this? does it get easier what can i do to make sure he doesnt do this the next time?

[KIP.]

You set your boundaries and stick to them. Children need routine and continuity and you don’t know what his dad is priming him up to say. Plan something nice for the next time they Return. Colouring in books and pizza and a Gentle chat about what they’re feeling. Don’t back down now as it will be even more confusing. They need to know that manipulation won’t work with you. You’re in charge of their welfare now x

[Balloons]

Hi mysunflower,

I’m not sure I have much advice to give you, I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I’m going through a very similar thing, and it is so hard when they go to stay with him and sometimes they do get upset about us not being together and it makes me feel guilty. But I just have to remind myself of how bad things were with him and know that even if it sucks that they can’t have two parents living together the alternative would be much more damaging to them. Stay strong, I really do get how hard this all is and how unfair it can all seem. The longer it’s been of them visiting him the more settled they seem but they still have their down days, like us all I suppose! I’m hoping it will all get easier, it’s not made any better by the lockdown either. xx

[Daisydoodle]

Hi my children are older and are living with their Dad full time, but I have the words ringing in my ears children are much better off having two parents who are happy living separately than parents who are unhappy. I dearly wish I had done something years ago and worry about the damage I’ve caused. Looks like you have some sage advice here, you are in charge of their welfare and well being take care

[KIP.]

Hey daisydoodle, there Is only one person to blame for any Damage done and that is the abuser. Don’t carry his guilt because then he won’t have to. Stay strong x We are traumatised and in survivor mode and cannot help them until we help ourselves. I like what the air hostesses says about the oxygen. Put your own oxygen mask on before you help your children. Get to a place where you’re strong enough to be there when they need you x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Daisydoodle
Same here, my children too are living full time with their dad, he received residency.
I like the oxygen mask analogy, there is no other way to look at it anyways.
Life is long. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Meantime build yourself back up. 💪💕

[Author]

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