This topic contains 19 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Donkey 2 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #85312
     Donkey 
    Participant

    I have tried to contact today but when you called back I was unable to speak privately.

    I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator) years.

    There has been incidents of physical abuse.

    I have contacted your organisation before.

    I have planned to leave twice but come back. Trapped in the cycle of abuse and his manipulation.

    Can you advise me if you report an abuser will he find out?

    I was told it was confidential and he would not find out.

    I reported him in (detail removed by moderator).

    I am asking this because due do my last contact my case got refered to child services because the abuse was taking place in front of his children.
    His ex wife said she wasn’t concerned and he was denied all knowledge of any problems so they closed the case.

    They never contacted me because I wasn’t the children’s mother, even though I was pregnant with his child.

    I now have a (detail removed by moderator) month baby and children services have been involved from the beginning.

    Children services are sharing information with my abuser the babies father and he is using it to manipulate me into staying.

    They have even told him that I reported the abuse?
    They are endangering myself and my baby.

    Is this normal?

    I am in the process of planning to leave and too frightened to tell children’s services in case they tell him.

    I am now suffering from post partem anxiety and he is using this to tell them I am an unfit mother.

    I feel very vulnerable and an organisation I thought would help are actually putting me in danger and they don’t seem to realise this.

    Can you advise me on my rights.

    Also can you please advise me on any support I can receive when I leave.

    Thankyou to anyone with advice or experience of this.

  • #85317
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi, please contact your local women’s aid for support. You can also ring the helpline number on here. You could consider going into a women’s refuge until you’re back on your feet. There’s lots of support there. Or can you go and stay with a relative meantime?

  • #85318
     Donkey 
    Participant

    Thankyou kip. I’m going to visit family (detail removed by moderator) with my daughter and hope not to return. Do I contact the local service where I’m going or where I am? Also do you know if I will get in trouble if I don’t tell children’s services I’ve left. I don’t feel comfortable telling them just in case they tell my abuser the babies father. I’m meant to be visiting for 2 weeks. I hopein those 2 weeks I can get enough support to never return.

  • #85321
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    id call rights for women theyre open at set times often in the evening they can advise you on if social services input. im sure if you move away youll be under a different authority and they should keep your address confidential xxxx

  • #85323
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Donkey

    Its understandable you are wary to reach out if you were put at risk last time you were brave enough to do so. With reporting to the police it is impossible for me to say what they will or wont do, if you want to leave safely without him knowing you should contact the domestic abuse service in the town where you will be staying with family so you can try and have a meeting with a worker set up for soon after you get there.

    I would really encourage you to have a chat with the helpline before you leave just to check you have thought of everything safety wise and to run through the plan with them. I know it can be hard to speak to the helpline as your partner is very controlling, but if you leave a voicemail with a specific safe time to call you back when you know you will not be with him, they will call you at that time. If you end up not being able to speak to the helpline before you go, you can always call once you are away as it will be much easier to talk.

    Also its ok to not tell social services that you are leaving because if they have put you at risk before by disclosing information to him, it is not worth the risk that they may do this again. You can inform them once you are safely away.

    Specialist domestic abuse organisations will not put you at risk as they understand everything about how these relationships work, try to get as much support as you can from these specialist charities. To find local domestic abuse services see below
    https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

    Take care and keep posting

    Lisa

  • #85324
     Donkey 
    Participant

    Thankyou diy Mum. I will contact them. So far my experience of reporting an abuser is that the abuser especially if they are a father have as much rights as the woman who is being abused.
    On repeated occasions they have contacted him with information discussed privately. He has used it against me every time.
    I have started to ask them to email me so I can document how they are actually putting me in further danger.
    I honestly feel like reporting them doesn’t actually help you.
    It’s like nobody understands emotional abuse? A person from children’s services actually wrote that my abuser the baby’s father is surprised that there is such accusations and that he believed it was normal relationship problems?
    It’s like they think if they tell him not to abuse, he will say ok, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again?
    The babies father my abuser blames Me every time I stand up for myself.
    I don’t know my place as a woman. I must be crazy.
    How is a person like this ever going to stop abusing if they can’t see the abuse? Even children’s services don’t seem to understand how manipulative he is?

  • #85325
     Donkey 
    Participant

    Thankyou Lisa got your advice. I will do this. And Thankyou everyone for replying. It’s an amazing feeling to know I’m not alone and going crazy. My abuser and children’s services are making me question my sanity at the moment. Thankyou.

  • #85329
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    the courts will recognise this so will the police if he is abusing you in any way infront off the children its child abuse. contact can be stopped – thats what i had to do. also yes they wont admit what theyre doing the professionals are need to put them in there place. you wont do this alone i promise xxxx love diymum

  • #85330
     Donkey 
    Participant

    Hi Diy Mum. I really appreciate your posts. His ex played down any issue to the children’s services even though I know that there was domestic abuse in their relationship. She phoned the police on him and he left. His eldest daughter is extremely sensitive to any disagreement between her parents and in our relationship. That’s why I reported him. At the time I thought it would be kept confidential but children’s services have disclosed that so I have been under a great deal more of abuse while pregnant and after having our baby. Is it possible that because his ex won’t speak up and because he is the master manipulator that he is that I am not being heard? I feel like I’m just this crazy woman who has just had a baby and it must be hormones and post partem anxiety? I know he is an abuser it’s just I’m being made to feel I’m being dismissed? Or is that the abuse?

  • #85334
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Once you get a support worker from women’s aid she will explain the dynamics of abuse. It escalates very often during pregnancy and childbirth as we are extremely vulnerable at that stage. Try reading Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Book an appointment with women’s aid in the town you’re moving to so that they can see you when you arrive as they can be quite busy.

  • #85336
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    keep a journal off his behaviour start to keep proof and write down what you can remember. yes abusers are very cunningg but there are ways off proving hes abusive. the fact the police have been involved before is evidence xx get womens aid on board as kip says and tell the GP whts been happening then its all docimented evidence again xx one step at a time xx

    • #85337
       Donkey 
      Participant

      Thankyou kip I will do that. I never thought of any of this! I’ve lost 2 babies to this man and I now have a baby with this man. I have been abused through every pregnancy and loss and after childbirth. It’s almost like he thinks he has more rights now I have a baby and unfortunately children’s services have made me believe this too!

    • #85339
       Donkey 
      Participant

      Thankyou diy Mum. I message my friend every time there is abuse and they document it. I genuinely believe he is the master manipulator. He has manipulated everyone into thinking it’s me due to pregnancy loss and childbirth. It’s the hormones. It’s the grief. It’s the anxiety. Never him. I had been refered to a peri natal psychiatrist. Would you advise me to mention it to them?

  • #85340
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    yes for sure id say and im sure youll agree? the way you feel is down to his ongoing abuse. thneres not a woman on here that would say this hasnt affected them to as far as having PTSD. people will see through him dont worry xxxx

  • #85341
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    when i saw my gp i told her i was suffering with anxiety directly because i was being harassed and coersed on a daily basis. this is coersion your dealing with xx its unlawful

    • #85344
       Donkey 
      Participant

      Thankyou diy Mum. I know my anxiety stems from him. You have to have the guts to call a spade a spade. I’ve been trying to do this but not had much joy from organisations but I have to be honest because it’s the only way it will end. If there is an end to this?

  • #85345
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    there is an end i promise – its over for us now xx hold your own truth always xx

    • #85347
       Donkey 
      Participant

      Thankyou diy Mum. I’ve got Mr nice downstairs trying to pursuade me not to go to my family (detail removed by moderator) as he needs me here for his kids. This happens every time. This is my only way out. In the guise of staying with my family for (detail removed by moderator). Any advice on how to ignore mr nice? He only comes out when he wants something. I have to use names because it helps me identify his personalities. And then I feel bad because he’s the babies father.

  • #85354
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I was wondering when he was going to try to prevent you from leaving. It’s very typical of abusers. He wants you at home where he can control you. Please don’t let him know you have any intention of not coming back. They are very dangerous when they lose control of us. Lie through your teeth. Assure him after you’re break you will be in a much better place to help him and his kids. Try not to get into an argument over it with him because he will wear you down. Go early to your family. There’s nothing stopping you. Just don’t tell him. I was diagnosed as having Post Natal Depression which was nonsense. If they knew what he was doing to me their diagnosis would have been totally different. Speak to the psychiatrist. Tell them everything. Keep a secret journal. Write down every time he abused you from day 1.

  • #85397
     Donkey 
    Participant

    Thankyou Kip. My abuser flips between telling me to go as he’d be better of without me then within a few hours begging me to stay and not leave him. Someone on this website refered to it all as the insanity dance and I can’t think of a more accurate terminology. I unfortunately couldn’t leave today as I had a psychiatrist and health visitor appointment and needed to get referrals from them so that they can pick up my care when I move. I have also spoken to women’s aid in the area I’m moving to. Done a check list with them. I still going in the guise of a 2 weeks family visit which should buy me time. He is the first person I’ve lied to in my life.i had to start doing this to protect myself. The things I’ve done to survive my relationship won’t sit well with me for years to come.

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