Christmas…….

[mixed-up mum]

I’m feeling so down today…… It’s Christmas it’s all too much…….
It’s as if it’s enforced that you MUST enjoy Christmas and have a good time…….like it’s compulsory…..but for some of us it’s not that easy……
I no longer enjoy Christmas now the bairns are no longer bairns……it’s just not the same when they are grown up – they are young adults now…….
PLUS I had to endure SO many bad Christmases with him – and he ruined Christmas for us all……all Christmas meant to me was a marker of yet another year of my life wasted, another year spent with him and I didn’t have the courage to get away.

Me mam says to me – “but that’s all in the past…..why let it spoil Christmas NOW”…..but the thing is the damage has been done and I just CAN’T forget year upon year of misery and sadness he caused us…….
It was ME who lived through it…..not her…..she will never know how it felt…

The other night I sat the car for a while at Tescos I was just so fed up.
Just dreading Christmas so much – I’m not in the mood for it at all, not looking forward to it one bit…..

I know me mam thinks that I ”should be over it now” – but it’s just not the same now that the bairns are grown up.
When they were small, I kept going, I did Christmas for THEM……but now they are young adults it’s just not the same.
Plus the fact this year I can afford to buy them even less than the past two Christmases (which wasn’t much).

I actually sat in the car an tears began to run down my face, I hardly EVER greet.
I just sat there and I felt such a failure as a mam, that I can’t be a happy mam, and enjoy Christmas, I’m spoiling Christmas for them, and me mam and sister being such a misery.
But my enjoyment of Christmas has gone, there is nothing for me to be excited over, and I just can’t make myself be happy – I struggle to be happy as it is during the rest of the yest…..but now there is the added pressure to ‘get in to the Christmas spirit – and ’having to be happy for Christmas day’.

It’s just a month away now and I have bought no cards and no presents – I just couldn’t care less about it all.
I can’t face writing out cards and putting up a tree – I just don’t want Christmas to happen – I’d rather it just went by like any other day.

I have no Christmas parties like other folk do, to get them in the mood, and I don’t have holidays as such – I’m self-employed so I’m still working, if my clients need me I work – so don’t really take a break.
The bairns will be home for two week as the schools and college are closed.

I’m just so sorry I’m spoiling it for them and not being the mam that they deserve.

Anyway eventually I pulled myself together got out and did the food shop in Tesco and Lidls – bit it was awful it’s just Christmas everywhere you looked.

Sorry to be such a misery……just need a cuddle today……

[KIP.]

I’m sending you a big cuddle X X X X
I’m not surprised you feel this way and it really is ok. Tomorrow will be a better day. Many people feel this way and I did for the last couple. Time to make new memories for you this year. Put yourself first. Treat yourself even if it’s a lovely bubble bath or a big bar of chocolate. I’m changing this Xmas. I’m doing it the way I want. Going to my elderly parents with pre cooked Xmas lunch and small gifts for those close. Forget cards, they just end up in the bin. Take it easy when you feel this way X

[mixed-up mum]

Thanks for the cuddle KIP

I needed that today – thanks so much for the reply too.

I’m just not feeling strong enough to make new memories, nice memories, I’m not there yet, not ready yet.

I just feel like isolating myself and keeping away from other people.

I’m not good company right now……

I’m better away from other people…….

x*x

[KIP.]

That’s all right too. Keep yourself to yourself until this phase passes. It will pass. You’re a good strong caring person and your kids are lucky to have you. If you weren’t you wouldn’t be thinking of others. That’s a good thing. Don’t be hard on yourself. The trauma takes a long time to heal. Some days I just can’t imagine how I got through the hell but I did and you will too. At your own pace ❤️

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t agree with KIP more, your life should be about your feelings and doing things the way you want to do them, rather then pandering to the needs of others. I really do understand the feeling, as a mum, to want to be able to enjoy Christmas for the kids, it’s what makes you a good mum, but there is no shame in sitting this one out. Don’t want a tree up – don’t put one up – if the kids are still at home let them decorate their own rooms so you don’t have to see it unless you choose to. Tell them you love them, hug them, be there when they need you – – all far better then giving them presents they will tire of soon enough anyway.

Take the time to be you, and if that means that you don’t celebrate Christmas then that is just fine. People who have never been in our situation have no idea the ways that everyday things can trigger us and the bad memories. Maybe this time next year you will feel better about Christmas, maybe you won’t, but live for you first – people who love you will understand eventually.

Hugs,

TTMO XX

[Serenity]

Hi Mixed Up Mum,

I dread Christmas too, due to memories of bending over backwards to do nice things and his meanness and sarcasm ruining it all. Like you said, it was just a marker of another year of hurt.

I agree with the other ladies about making it about what you’d like for a change. What would have been your ideal Christmas if he hadn’t ruined the excitement? Or what would be your ideal now?

The kids can put tinsel in their rooms if they want to feel festive. You can buy a small tree- no need for a huge one. Don’t buy the food everyone gets: make Christmas about eating the food you love but never normally. It yourself: even if it’s oysters or cheesecake!

Wrap yourself up in a warm blanket on the day, if that’s all you feel you can do. That’s fine. The important thing is that you feel rested.

X*x

[lostandbroken]

I’m also dreading xmas and if it wasn’t for my daughter I wouldn’t be putting a tree up. I don’t want to put one up I would rather it be cancelled. But one good friend is always trying to advise me that it’s better to face fears head on, I don’t like this advise because of how fragile I am. But I’m now training my brain, xmas = blankets and duvet days, lots of chocolate, films and bubble baths.

It can be whatever you want it to be, because it’s your life and your choice to do it how you want.

Sending over lots of cudddles x*x

[Peaceful Pig]

To be honest I don’t have any feelings about Christmas. I can’t really see the point. It just feels like extra jobs I can’t be bothered with. But I don’t really feel sad or guilty. Perhaps in some ways I’m lucky I have no-one to please so can do what I like (nothing!). I’ll pretend for the kids of course but when they’re not here I’ll hopefully enjoy the short break from my rollercoaster of a life! It’s mostly commercial nonsense anyway, at least what you see in the shops. If it has spiritual meaning for you, you can focus on that aspect instead. Sending hugs x*x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Sending u massive hug, dont worry about xmas u not alone, think loads of us feel like that, we have bad memeories of xmas, i hate celebrating it too as my kids are not young no more , cant be bothered to really put a tree up, but agree with other ladies, if u eant to be alone thats fine, if u want to be around your family thats fine too, part of healing is celebrating xmas however we want to, i was never allowed to be with my family and now i can be i feel odd, i relate xmas to being just about him, i too am forcing myself to just do whatever i want and trying to rebuild the connection with the family, even though its hard seeing everyone playing happy families , but u know what i always hold on to the peace i have. You are a good mum, sometimes it deosnt matter if we cant give a lot, our presence holds more value

[Nova]

…dreading it…mixedupmum…take it easy, relax don’t get caught up in the
Unnecessary frenzy, it’s all hype. I just don’t believe people have such a amazing time …so we are missing nowt!

#Enjoy your day in your way!

Mine have been a nightmare for the last few years, just a disaster zone…I am trying to put a positive face on for my kids, they’re not that fussed either.
The only really sad thing is we are alone, & this is due to bring isolated BUT things will get better! Each day is different and SO much better without the dominator in the house!!
Enjoy yourself & your life!
You have CHOICES …that’s the difference for us all 😉
Peace & hugs C X

[mixed-up mum]

Thank you – everyone for taking the time to reply – some ‘oldies’ like me who have been on a while, and some nrw ladies I’ve not spoken to before.

KIP – I really honestly don’t feel strong right now – and I don’t feel like a good mam – but thanks for saying that. 🙂
All this ‘healing’ is taken so long, I had hoped by now I’d be a strong, independent woman……but I’m taking a while to find myself again.

TTMO – it just takes time to think about me and what I want – I spent half of my life being a wife and mother……what I wanted came last…….
I knew to survive I had to do what he wanted – to keep him happy and keep the peace – it was always about him and his needs – I knew it had to be his way.
All the while trying my best to protect my bairns and spare them his moods and tantrums. Trying my best to keep up the front and make out everything was OK.
When the bairns were younger – I made sure I gave them the best Christmas we could – which meant making out I was happy and having a nice time – all the while all it was just me wishing I didn’t have to be with him another year…….
I will let my daughter put up the tree – if I don’t she notices when I’m not OK and she will worry about me.
And yes I DO hope this time next year I CAN cone on here and say I AM looking forward to Christmas, and I WILL have a nice time.

Serenity – yes well I remember trying my best to keep him happy and keep peace in the house that day – trying my best to make sure the bairns had a nice day.
But for years it just meant a marker of another year of my life gone by and still with him – how many years did I sit and write out the Christmas cards saying to myself this WILL be the last year I write HIS name on the cards…..and yet another year went by and I hadn’t plucked up the courage to leave him……
My ideal Christmas when the bairns were younger was just to make sure THEY had fun, and that they had a good day – that they were happy – that’s all I ever wanted.
And now me……what do I want…..well I don’t know …….as I said above when you’ve spent half your life putting others first its very hard to suddenly start thinking of your own wants and needs. I’ve forgotten how to think about my own wants…….and it just seems so wrong to think about what I want…….
I know the bairns will want to share Christmas day with their Granny and aunty – so that’s what we will do – if the three of us sit home here on our own it will only be like any other day – and I can’t do that to my bairns.
Though I’m just as happy to let my son go to his father’s at night and let my daughter spend time with her Granny and aunty – and I go home alone. I just want my bairns to have a good day – I’m not important.

Lost and broke – yes that sound good to me – duvet days with chocs and films – I think it’s the fact that when I was with him I was forced to ‘have fun’ – I had to be happy – and if I wasn’t the life and soul of the party – he would moan to his side of the family at how miserable I was not wanting to drink, not wanting to ‘party’.
With HIS family it was always about huge meals, and loads of drinking and if you weren’t doing that then you are classed as a misery guts and no fun in you – well I’m just a quiet person and I’m not ‘the life and soul of the party’ type.
Im still struggling with the aspect of my life that I DO now have choices…when you’ve spent years knowing you have to do what he wants – it takes a long time to get used to the fact I can now do what I want…..

Peaceful Pig – I agree Christmas is way too much work there is so much emphasis put on m**s to make it a ‘perfect’ day…..there is so much pressure to make sure everyone has a great day…
From planning all the perfect gifts – choosing lovely cards – making the house look all Chrismassy – to laying on a HUGE meal on Christmas day…..
It is WAY too commercialised these days – to so many folk it’s all about giving LOADS of presents and about giving BIG presents and spending LOADS of money – that’s not what it should be about – it’s should just be about spending time together as a family.

Me this year I can truthfully say there is NOTHING I want or need – all I want is to find peace in my heart and to be happy…….

Confused123 – I always had my family for Christmas as his lived too far away – once they came to spend Christmas with us.
But he always made it quite obvious he hated my mother and didn’t want her there – so that made it uncomfortable for me being stuck in the middle.
I hope that you enjoy the times you can now be with your family.

And yes you are right – I hope my bairns are big enough now to understand I can’t afford big presents – but they know I love them, and am always there for them, and will do anything for them.

Cuppa – yes you are right – it’s just like you have to be seen to be having a WONDERFUL time – but it doesn’t have to be that way – for some of us just having a nice day is good enough.

Yes – you are right – I may not have the ‘perfect’ Christmas – but it’s a million times better than having him make our Christmas miserable with his moods and tantrums – now we all have a peaceful quiet Christmas – with no tension – no stress of making sure I please him, and make sure that the day goes his way…….

Yes it’s the having choices part that I have yet to get used with – it seems strange, and hard to break the habits of half a lifetime…..

Anyway thank you each and every one of you for your replies – the advice, the support, and the cuddles.

And I wish you all a happy and peaceful Christmas – whatever YOU decide to do.

Very best wishes to you all.

x*x

[Author]

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