Christmas Contact

[Bluebluepinkblue]

Hi…

Been separated for just over a month and ex has asked to video chat with the kids on Christmas Day. Safetywise this isn’t a concern, and he lives 100s of miles away now, but there is still an ongoing investigation with police and social services into abusive behaviour towards our daughter. The police had previously made a verbal agreement with him of ‘no contact’ with the kids, but this is not a legal requirement.
I would prefer to wait until after things have concluded with police and social services (my daughter doesn’t want to go through interviews etc for prosecution so I don’t see any lengthy process ahead), but is that fair? Just want to know if I’m punishing him and the kids because of how I feel about things right now.

Looking for some reassurance/ different points of view I guess, particularly if you have made a similar decision before yourself.

Thanks.

[Footballfan1]

Hi Bluebluepinkblue,

It’s your choice entirely if you allow contact.

My ex wanted to see our kids Christmas day, like you, the police had unofficially warned him to have no contact until everything gets sorted officially.

After speaking to different agencies, I decided to refuse contact.
It was really difficult for me to decide this, and I had a talk with the kids to explain why.
I was surprised to find that actually, they seemed relieved that it had been taken out of their hands.
I suspect that the times they said they wanted contact, it was only because they were scared of making dad angry.
As soon as I told them my decision was no contact and why, they have been much happier and relaxed.
My IDVA sent me this message why I asked her for advice on Christmas contact (I said my gut was saying no, my heart was saying yes)-

My advice is to go with your gut feeling. As there is no legal arrangement in place at the moment and he has PR, he could legally keep them from you too.The last thing you want is to upset them, I know, but if he did keep them that would upset them far worse.
I certainly wouldn’t allow contact without an agreement in writing first to state times and handover arrangements, so you have something to show the police if you had to call them to get them back, but even then I’m not sure how much weight it would hold with him having PR.
You’re not doing anything wrong in not allowing contact, and remember you are in this position because of his behaviour not yours. You are simply making sure your boys are safe.
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make Christmas perfect, but in your position it’s just not possible this year and that’s his fault not yours. Just do what you need to do to get through it this year. Theres is no rule book. Next year will be so much better for you and the boys. This horrible time is only temporary. Try to remember that.

[Marmalade]

Hi,
This is really tricky.
I don’t think anyone on here can advise you what to do because it depends on your individual circumstances and you can’t reveal that much detail.
If he is being investigated for serious sexual abuse or violence towards a child then no contact would likely be appropriate. If it is not that sort of magnitude then it’s a case of what is proportionate and appropriate in your case.
Do you have any professionals helping you that you can ask?

[Bluebluepinkblue]

Thanks so much for you two lovely people for getting back to me.

It’s one of those things where I knew the answer already, I just wanted to check I wasn’t being bitter or unfair in saying no. It’s much better for my daughter’s mental health at the moment for no contact to mean just that, the ongoing procedure gives me a good valid reason to say no.

It’s great to have somewhere to air all these little things that come up, and it’s wonderful that people answer with experience and care.

[Footballfan1]

Glad it helped posting!
No matter what the problem, just post and I’m sure someone will reply back that has had a similar experience.

You sound like you have made up your mind, good for you.
Something else I had to remind myself of, the kids feelings are priority, not dad’s.
He guilttripped me, made me feel bad.
Called me the grinch that stole Christmas.
I have to remind myself that it is his actions that caused this, not mine. X*x

[Elishiva]

Hi bluebluepinkblue,

It can be difficult determining the ‘fairness’ of situations such as what you described; but was his treatment fair to you? He needs discipline, and you need confidence-back if you had it before the two of you met, and in general if you didn’t. It is challenging to trust in our judgment when it feels like it’s our fault that we got into a bad situation, but if your gut is telling you to do something, do it. Just remember that it was probably your heart that got you into that situation to begin with-not your gut. Don’t guilt yourself into submission to him. No one deserves blatant abuse. Peace and blessings.

[Author]

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