Christmas ruined as expected

[gettingtired]

I’m not really sure what the point of this post is but I just needed somewhere to vent. I knew it would only be a matter of time before another bl*w up from him and I was dreading Christmas.

Well he had an argument with some of his family members, threatened to leave, voice raised, swearing.. I stayed in the other room but of course I was next in the firing line. (Detail removed by moderator) so he was blaming me basically. I heard him say to his family (detail removed by moderator). His family were then tiptoeing around to try and keep him happy. They desperately pander and even lie to make sure he doesn’t bl*w up. It’s nauseating. I think he even gets irritated by how much they bow down to him. It really does make me feel physically sick how much they suck up to him.

Anyway, I then got the silent treatment from him in front of them making it awkward. Then an abusive text (detail removed by moderator) (insult). I was told to (detail removed by moderator) etc. He said it’s over between us. Next minute he’s talking about (detail removed by moderator) and asking me for a cuddle.

The main theme has been presents though. I’ve been so stressed and pre occupied the last few months coming to terms with the abuse, I hadn’t organised any presents. I wanted him to just choose himself something from me to make it easier. We were supposed to go Christmas shopping (detail removed by moderator) but on the day he was too hungover so it ended up being left until the very last minute. Another stressful experience where he threatened to go off, gave me the silent treatment etc. He knew I still didn’t have anything for him but I’m wondering if he purposefully didn’t show an interest in anything so that I ended up not having a present for him. He knew I was stressed about finding something to get him but didn’t really offer any solutions. In the end I got one gift for him (detail removed by moderator) whereas he got me an abundance of gifts (for anyone who knows my situation I’d like to add he wasn’t the one who paid for them though..). I just knew this was going to be used against me and low and behold it all blew up and I was told how embarassing it is (detail removed by moderator). How he is jealous of what other couple’s got for one another. He even told me (detail removed by moderator).

The problem is I did feel guilty about it. I felt bad for not being thoughtful and getting him gifts to unwrap like he did for me. Even though he is manipulative I still couldn’t help but feel that way.

Anyway, as I said it was no suprise. I was waiting for it all to be thrown back in my face.

I’m still feeling very trapped. He never leaves the house unless we go somewhere together. He doesn’t work. How am I ever supposed to move my stuff out? I’m scared he will go absolutely mental, scared of what he will do, still too scared to confide in family who would have to help me move out. So scared of being without him still, scared I’ll miss him so badly. Even though he is the one telling me to move out or threatening to end the relationship all the time.

It feels like I’m just trying to keep my head above water at the moment. Keep things calm if I can, trying to have some jokes with him to keep the mood from swinging back to how I’m not loving or supportive blah blah. I’m trying to hold it together for work too.

[Hetty]

Ah I’m so so sorry to read how hard things have been for you. It sounds like you couldn’t win and if it was not the present thing it would have been something else.
Could you at least start the conversation with your family? It sounds like you think they’d help you. You might then feel like you can think through your options. You can’t win with these men. Nothing is ever good enough and they change the goal posts or sabotage xx

[Hawthorn]

I’m so sorry you’ve been having such an awful time and are feeling so trapped. I remember that horrible feeling of almost drowning in my relationship, barely able to grab mouthfuls of air, struggling to keep afloat. If I had stayed any longer I believe I would have had to be admitted to hospital. It eventually became a choice between my mental health and my relationship.

Present buying was so stressful for me too. No matter what I had bought it wouldn’t be right. If it was the perfect gift it would be instantly forgotten. There’s no winning with these men so know that whatever you had bought you would have gotten the same response.

Please tell your family or a friend. I know it’s so difficult. Those that love you wont force you to do anything. That’s what he does, dictate to you. Telling one friend was my first step to freedom.

What do you think you will miss? Write a list and compare it to the list of abuse he has subjected you to. I worried alot about my husband when I left, about what he would do, about what he was saying about me, whether he might hurt himself…but I never missed him. What was there to miss about someone who abused and controlled me? Who treated me like something he stepped in?

You can escape this. You are not trapped though I know it can feel like that. You have choices. Leaving is a difficult choice, but is it any more difficult than staying?x*x

[KIP.]

Hi, yes he’s setting you up for a fall every time. He enjoys it. He’s even told you he’s going to enjoy your embarrassment. Decent human beings don’t do this. It’s interesting how you see his family reacting around him and that you’re reacting the same way. Appeasing him. Trying to keep him happy and him simply abusing you in return. And his family. This man is like a huge toddler that has tantrums and everyone is scared of him. It’s entitled behaviour. If everyone stepped back and dropped him from their life, where would he be. He’s trying to control them the same way he does you. One day you will simply tire of his games. Now you know he simply doesn’t care for you. You’re just someone he can dump on and manipulate and abuse. Time to open up to family who will understand. You’re stuck in the fog of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt x getting your stuff won’t matter so much when you’re free from his abuse. It might be a price worth paying or you can retrieve your belongings with a family member or police officer.

[diymum@1]

I felt like this once tried to appease a man who wouldn’t work. Did nothing for me or his kids just made me jump through hoops. Pretend he was depressed to get sympathy like kip said a giant toddler. These types of men have very little feeling or emotional ties to anyone. I went on in the cycle for a good (detail removed by moderator) xx in a few years out now and wished I hadn’t tolerated him fir this long. I was scared too how would I be. The truth is you maybe trauma bonded and this bond being severed hurts it’s like addiction. Once your over this cold Turkey stage so to speak your emotions will pour out. I remember walking out of my gate for the first time a single woman. I was going on a night out – I remember thinking I am actually free. What a feeling ! There are bumps in the road but as time passes the days get better rather than worse. It disperses and life changes for the better xx I know this is very easy for me to say in hind sight. Take the plunge call Womens aid for support then get your family around you. This situation only gets worse and above all it destroys our sense of self. You can do this xx I can be so vulnerable when it comes to being alone but I did get through this so can you 🥰 love diymum

[gettingtired]

Thanks so much everyone x
It’s back to him sulking, telling me to do whatever I want and leave him alone, that I haven’t been loving towards him in six months apparently etc. I had one evening where he sorted my dinner after a long work day but was sulky and it felt like there were conditions to him doing it. Now back to being told I’ll have to sort my own food out after finishing work.
At the moment it’s just constant accusations and I don’t how to respond or handle it x

[Hetty]

Been there, done that. The truth is there is nothing you can do. These men are determined to use us as emotional punchbags. I used to get shouted at and told to leave him alone, leave the living room then a few hours later he’d be upstairs telling me I was cold and distant. Sadly, the only way this stops is when we say enough is enough and leave. Only now that I’m out do I see the extent and damage caused by living in such a toxic environment. Stay strong and keep posting. You’re not alone xx

[Hawthorn]

Oh Gt, he hasn’t been loving to you in your whole relationship. The cheek of him to lay the blame at your door yet again. But that’s all he’ll ever do. He capable of nothing else.

If you’re determined to stay try to tune him out. Get some noise cancelling headphones and put on a podcast or some music. Make the time you’re making food some time for yourself. Put your headphones on and make something nice for yourself to eat, something that is your favourite food, not his. Try to give yourself some love. You wont get any from him.

Anything he does for you will have conditions and consequences but you can be kind to yourself. You are worthy of care and kindness. None of this is your fault. Take the very best care. You are not what he says you are.xx

[Optimystic]

This breaks my heart GT. I was told my food that I made was rank and that he wanted his own food budget. Isn’t it funny, these themes all match? All I would say to you is please, please confide in someone. (detail removed by Moderator) years it took me! But, I am believed and I have support. When you talk to someone, everything becomes real. Like, we’re no longer imagining it and that it’s not all in our heads. Even just saying things are bad at home and you’re struggling to cope is perhaps enough for now? You don’t need to give details. Gradually, you’ll divulge more and from there you’ll hopefully come up with an option. It took me a relatively short time to go from trapped, guilty and full of self doubt to feeling like, yes I’m scared but I know what I must do. You cannot live the best years of your life like this. You are a lovely, good person that deserves to be treated right. Just like you treat others. Talk to someone. I think it will be ok xx

[gettingtired]

Thank you very much again.
Still feeling very trapped in the FOG but hoping I will become stronger. It still hurts so much to think I won’t be with him forever like I always envisioned but then those thoughts are a false reality. I’m trying my hardest with listening to narc abuse youtube videos etc but it’s still an emotional rollercoaster x*x

[KIP.]

Try writing a list of pros and cons for staying with him. What do you actually get out of this relationship. Try it and see how it looks x if it was easy to leave it wouldn’t be abuse and none of us would be with our abusers. Keep building as much of a life away from him as you can x fill your time with things for you x

[Hetty]

It hurts more than anything to step out of the fantasy. I grieved for a long time in the relationship. My reality was so far from what I wanted from life I knew staying a minute longer would destroy me. It got to the point when I felt I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by leaving. It took me a long time to get to that point. Don’t give up. Keep educating yourself. Be your own best friend. Look out for number 1. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit, you have to be strong to endure these relationships. We only have one life and we deserve to be happy. It might not be how we wanted things to be but we can never be happy in an abusive relationship xx

[gettingtired]

Thank you Kip, I will try writing that list tomorrow.
I journal and write lists but sometimes it feels too painful to read back over it. Maybe I’m still in denial?
Thank you for the advice Hetty. It’s very strange to still be with him but also experiencing grief from the impending demise of the relationship.
I’m still struggling to remember the nasty moments, even when they’ve sort of only just happened. All I’m craving at the moment is that sense of relief when he’s not on my case complaining about something to do with me being unloving or not supportive. I just want normal but it’s never going to happen. I think I’m trying to delay that pain of actually ending things too. Once I’m gone I don’t want to go back to him but at the moment I’m still wrestling with my thoughts and finding it unbearable at times to imagine life without him.
Sorry for waffling on so much xx

[KIP.]

Cognitive dissonance will keep you there for years. It is painful to read that list. No one want to read their partner is destroying them. Try to keep grounded in the here and now when you begin to waver. Thinking about the past is painful and thinking about the future is scary but thinking about the here and now will ground your mind and give you back some control.

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