Christmas, the worst time of the year.

[Butterfly-A]

I feel so genuinely sad to write this.
I am dreading Christmas.
I go into supermarkets and see all the festive food, boxes of sharing chocolates, Christmas crackers and I cant help but to just feel sad.
My town has started hosting Christmas carols in the local shopping centre, they are so lovely to watch but I cant help to just feel sad as I walk by.

Because I know there is no Christmas. It feels so silly to write this, to complain about something that feels so privileged.

But its been years now, my family have stopped inviting us on Christmas because they know my husband will refuse to go.
Theres no talk of presents in our home (again something that feels really silly to say), I used to try and buy him presents which I wrapped up nicely, he returned all of them.

My work is having a Christmas party (detail removed by moderator). I cant go, he’ll shout at me and say that I am wasting my time and money.

By default, we get two weeks off work for Christmas, seems so nice right? Im dreading it. 15 days of arguments, being talked down on, decisions being made for me and not even a hint of festive fun.
Hes already asked if I plan to meet up with any friends during my time off with a stern face, shortly after saying ‘(detail removed by moderator)’.

[swanlake]

I’ve had several years of no contact with my abuser but I remember the joyless Christmas times. It’s completely natural to want to celebrate anything with family, friends and colleagues and hurtful to be shouted at.
I have witnessed people leaving at Christmas time as it is so difficult when your own experience is not peace and joy and all the other stuff mentioned at this time of year.

[Dovegirl]

I totally understand where you’re coming from…
Everywhere you go, Christmas is being glossed as this wonderful time of year, where in reality behind many closed doors, all it does is heighten the abuse. For the last few years I wrote a journal, purely for myself as a bit of an outlet, a place to decompress from my hell of DA. Last years entry about Christmas was full of dread being with my then OH. What mood is he going to be in? Will he get drunk again and be 1000 times worse? Will he slate me? Call me all the names under the sun? The list was endless. I too couldn’t go to my works Christmas do. He instructed I could not go, no questions. Luckily for me I only had 2 days off at Christmas and then I was back at work and away from him. My heart goes out to you, it really, really does. Take care xx

[Butterfly-A]

Hi Dovegirl,

thank you for your reply.

a journal is a really good idea, I think it would help to make sense of all that is happening.

I hope you are in a better place now.

[Twisted Sister]

As alone as your situation makes you feel, you are not alone. It is a strong feeling shared by so many, many women and children, when the doors are shut and you are stuck inside them, especially when it’s loudly lauded all round, what a happy time of year, a time of celebrating with family and friends, makes it all so difficult for all the isolated women and children and this time of year.

I hope you can keep talking, and reading, on here and perhaps feel a little less alone with your feelings and experiences.

Even for so-called ‘normal’ famiies, this can be such a difficult time, of added stress and many not enjoying as much as it may look from the outside.

Don’t put any pressure on yourself to be anything. Are you able to get away with telling him that you don’t have so much holiday this year, and look as if you are still going to work, but spend some extra days just being on your own, or doing stuff with others in the run up to Christmas, or after? I know it could be tricky to pull off, just a thought if you could do that safely. I take it he’s not working if you will be stuck indoors with him.

Have yo got outside support from an abuse service or any other form of support, it helps a lot with the sense of loneliness to be able to share your experiences. In these circumstances it’s often a case of doing your best to get through it safely. Treat yourself when you can, whenever you can, as they say, ‘you deserve it’.

warmest wishes

ts

[Butterfly-A]

Hi Twistedsister,

thank you for your response.

Yes that’s true, I guess it’s so easy to see all the nice, happy moments outside.

I wish I could. Unfortunately, he knows my schedule.

I haven’t yet, but I will have a look, it’s just so hard to find the time in a protected space when he is HERE ALLLLLL THE TIME!

[Bananaboat]

This post broke my heart. Firstly for you, I hope you manage to find some moments of joy and peace. Stand and watch the choir, it’s your Christmas too.

Secondly it reminded me of Christmas past and that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that you describe so well. Especially having time off together, I hated it.

Thirdly, because I realise this is my mum’s life. No decorations, no talk of gifts, only allowed to watch what he wants. So I need to make sure I give her some relief.

I’ve heard Oct to Feb described as abuser season because there’s multiple occasions they can ruin for us. TS gives some good advice, and I fully agree that it’s a tough time for so many, the happy family photos aren’t real life for most. He’s going to be miserable whatever you so eat an extra mince pie or have an early night, just small wins for yourself where you can. xx

[Butterfly-A]

Hi Bananaboat,

thank you for your reply and understanding of my post!

if anything it feels a relief to be able to express my views elsewhere than just circling them around my head or complaining to a friend that’s heard it all everyday (a very good friend but there’s only so much understanding and patience people can have!)

Im sorry to hear about your mum. That time of you just being there for her will Bring her so much joy, how about taking her out of the house and going for a tea and mince pie together?

Abuser season sounds like a very real thing sadly. For us it’s Christmas, then anniver**** and my b’day around valentines! so really every opportunity there could be for for isolation!
thank you, small wins are definitely the way forward now!

[Better-days]

Butterfly-A I understand exactly how you feel. I drove up to my house the day after I put all Christmas lights up they looked lovley and I smiled as I pulled in then I was quickly saddened as my next thought was people round about would go past and think we are the lovely family all set for Christmas with our beautiful lights and it is very far from it.

[Happybelle]

I hear you and it’s not at all silly.
I’ve always absolutely loved Christmas but not this year. I can’t even face getting the tree out. It is all arguments and “getting by”. I’ve never had one gift from my partner. One time he disappeared overnight and came back late on Xmas eve. Next day supposed to go visiting but he didn’t get up. Basically spent Christmas all alone. Now all my spirit has gone.
I hope that you manage to get some enjoyment during your time off and it isn’t so bad x

[Ricepudding]

Hi, I have just broken up from work to. 2 weeks of and I hate it just the thought of going back and everyone asking did you have a nice Christmas. The arguments the moaning the hiding in other rooms so I don’t have to listen or talk to him. Work think everything is OK now as it’s been some time.. I had to smile so much this month at work I think they see everything as being fine now. I hated today cooking washing having him moaning like a spoiler kid what about me… I didn’t get a gift on the bottom of the bed. I am hiding in the spare room now pretending to be asleep. I walked the dog earlier in the rain seeing families inside playing games or watching TV.Always on the outside looking in. All I wanted for Christmas was a hug. The works Christmas party was hard he kept texting when you coming home. I had to drive, so I didn’t drink. I was not allowed to drink.I was in a room full of people, but yet I felt so alone. I hate feeling this way. Holding my breath as he walks past as he might snap that I’m looking at him or breathing wrong. Finding a moment to take a shower while his out the house. Why do people not see his true colours. Just us for Christmas as he has pushed his family away and mine. This is the only space now I have to talk my Councillor said it was not beneficial at work so I don’t have her to talk to now. Finding it very lonely sorry to waffle

[Butterfly-A]

Hi Ricepudding.

Hugs to you.

It’s such a lonely time of year.

I know what you mean about people asking when you return to work, when my colleagues ask me or asked if I had any plans I turned the conversation to be more about them.

Do you have any friends that you could reach out to for a chat?

what’s your families thoughts as he has pushed them away?

Strange about your counsellor at work! Have you tried your GP?

[Ricepudding]

Thank you for the hug. No, I don’t have any friends. They don’t ask anymore, made so many excuses over the years. I feel like no one is listening or believes me. Last time I went to the GP I felt like he was judging me.

[Butterfly-A]

You have plenty of friends on here and the best thing is, we all get it!

This might sound wrong but what about requesting an appt with a female GP? Perhaps easier to talk to?

[Author]

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