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    • #114706
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      Hi Everyone
      So today I plucked up the courage to call and apply for a claires Law, it took me through to a call centre first where the initial application was done, and the lady I spoke to was not very nice at all:( she kept sighing and talking like I was making a big deal over nothing. When she asked what I would do if I found out anything I replied that I would leave the relationship and her response was even though you’ve been together … years? I was flabbergasted.

      She questioned me why I wanted to apply and what were my reasons I told her why and she just made me feel stupid like I was wasting time. The reasons I have are good enough reasons. She basically made me feel why am I applying now when we’ve been together years.
      I got a little annoyed and told her that I thought the scheme was open to anyone regardless of how long they’ve been together, married or not married, etc. So overall it wasn’t a very nice talk. She also made out that because its not physical what I described that they’ll only give me info if they think im at risk.

      She said ill be called in now by a police officer to have an interview and now im so so nervous and scared that I’ll be interrogated and questioned and made to look stupid again:(

    • #114707
      KIP.
      Participant

      You’re not stupid. You’re absolutely doing the right thing here. What an awful woman. She has no right to ask such questions. It’s none of her business if and when you decide to leave a relationship. Claire’s law is there to protect you and inform you so that you can make these decisions. I e had great police offers and awful police officers. Don’t allow her to put you off. You know best and you know the relationship best. Read the background to Claire’s law and have faith in yourself. That woman needs training urgently x

    • #114708
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      Hi @KIP
      Thank you so much for your reply.

      I read up lots on it before I applied and online it says whoever you are, whether your in a domestic abuse relationship or not you have a right to know, it also said women from all walks of life apply, those in professional positions, those married those not married, etc etc. She just made me feel awful like i was doing the wrong thing, wasting time. I dont think she was an officer I think she was just someone in a call center who took details and will then pass them on to my local police

      She asked me how do you describe the relationship so I said what I thought , she then repeated the same question and I said but I’ve just answered that? Dhe said back in a horrible way.. im just asking the standard questions. The reasons I have for applying are that on the beginning of the relationship I remember him saying his ex has got him in trouble with the police when I asked why, he said she had taken photos of old bruises and cuts and said he had abused her. He’s also been vague about why him and his ex split up, all I know is they were living in a place and she upped and left with a baby to a different part of the country, when I asked him why he just said they argued, but he also said he couldn’t find her, had to track her down and he mentioned something about a refuge now to me this is huge alarm bells, it’s always stuck in my mind and I suppose I was stupid for marrying him if I had doubts but stupidly I believed his version of stories, ive never found out what the actual truth was and I just have a niggling feeling in my gut.

      Does this sound like a good enough reason?

    • #114709
      KIP.
      Participant

      It absolutely sounds exactly what Claire’s Law was designed for. We are very vulnerable when we have been abused and this woman on the phone has rattled your confidence. She knows nothing about you and your circumstances and handled that call extremely badly. It takes huge courage to make that call and it’s awful that someone like her is able to engage in this way with a vulnerable victim. I made a complaint about a 101 call handler who had no idea what she was talking about. It’s not you it’s her. At the beginning of the relationship we are so love bombed we are prepared to ignore red flags or accept their version. It’s not until we begin to question the abuse that these memories come back. I bet you start to remember other red flags you dismissed at the time. The thing that strikes me is how he told you his ex had taken photos of cuts and bruises he had caused. They are so entitled. They don’t even bother to hide the truth. My ex used to do the same. Just little bits of truth. I remember him saying how he had treated all his other girlfriends badly. And I remember thinking how lucky I was that he treated me well 🙄 the alarm bells should have been ringing off the scale but all I could think was how special I was that he treated me so nice.

    • #114710
      KIP.
      Participant

      Even if you had nothing but a gut feeling. You’re still entitled to use Claire’s Law. You probably know more about it now than that operator x abuse often escalates after child birth. If she ran with her baby that’s also a red flag and the officers who talk to you should be trained in domestic abuse x

    • #114711
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      Thank you so much @KIP you’ve made me feel much better! I felt so strong calling that number, and for a few hours before calling i was a nervous wreck, felt guilty, nervous, scared it honestly took all my strength to muster the courage to make that call and all the time running through my head was what if he finds out, what if I’ve made a mistake, im a bad person for doing this etc etc.
      Then to be spoken to like that was just awful, I cane off the call feeling flat, deflated, low, and its ruined my day truth be told.

      The way she spoke I could tell she had zero experience of Domestic abuse, and actually dont think she’d had any training judging by things she was saying to me, she spoke in a very patronising tone, and kept repeating is there violence? Why i said no she kept saying so what is the reason then that your applying? Making me feel I was wasting police time.

      I got annoyed on the end of the call and actually said to her, domestic abuse does not need to be violence it can be emotional and this can be worse! She just didn’t have a clue.

      When I said I’d leave the relationship straight away if I found anything out, in a rather patronising way she said even though you’ve been together x years? And married x years? ..as if to say why have you stuck around so long then? Things can’t be that bad! Honestly I was just left speecheless. When I have my interview I will be making sure to say I was not happy at all with the way the 101 call handler dealt with my call, no compassion, no sympathy nothing.

    • #114714
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey, I gave up on looking for sympathy and empathy. They become immune to it as they deal with cases every day however I know how you feel. But we just want them to do their job! No judgement, we get enough of that at home. I had the most inappropriate comments from more than one police officer. But you know about domestic abuse. You live it every day and the whole point is to get you safe before it becomes violent. The real violence came when I ended things but I agree the mental abuse was way worse and I still suffer with the trauma he left me with. One officer said to me it was clear my marriage was over and what was I still doing with him. Idiot. Stay strong. You know you’re right but it’s easy to be derailed by someone who is supposed to know what they’re doing. Sadly they very often don’t.

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