This topic contains 9 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Canon 1 week ago.

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  • #84473
     Canon 
    Participant

    Hi, I want to do a clare’s law check on someone that I’ve recently started dating. He’s appears to be really lovely and just an all round decent guy – but due to my past experiences there’s a big part of me that’s filled with fear in case he turns out the way my previous husband and ex partner did.
    There’s no red flags popping up so far but that’s not stopping me worrying, so I’m hoping a clare’s law check can give me some peace of mind – and if not then I’ll take the decision to not take things any further with him and just walk away.

    The only thing I’m concerned about with doing the check is that on my local police site it says that he might be told if they decide to do a disclosure? I thought they don’t get told? If that’s the case, I’ll still do it anyway as if he has nothing to hide and is as decent a bloke as he says he is then I’d hope he understands why I’ve done it – and if not then he’s not the right one for me.

    Does anyone know if it’s right that he might be told about it?

  • #84481
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi, I’ve been on the road to recovery and it concerns me more that you would consider using Claire’s Law so soon without any red flags. I’m not sure you’re actually ready for a new relationship. Women’s aid recommended two years before another relationship. I’m only saying this because you still seem really vulnerable. It’s good to be cautious but when you’re recovered more, you can trust your own judgement and rationalise behaviour. Until then we are still stuck in a fog of worry and anxiety fear. I’ve dated a few times now and using Claire’s Law couldn’t be further away. I’d ask them to explain under what circumstances they would disclose your request as it’s potentially dangerous? Have you been to counselling or done the freedom programme?

  • #86624
     Canon 
    Participant

    Hi, there weren’t any red flags as in concerns that he may have been abusive at the time that I posted above, I just think for me, having gone through what I went through, I’d wanted to know from the start if there’s any history there so I could walk away easily rather then end up being sucked into another abusive relationship.

    As it happens, I’m no longer dating this guy – there was something that I picked up on, it was really confusing for me but my gut instinct did it’s job!
    The red flag that I got was the ‘love bombing’ – it was difficult as some people can just be like that I guess and it doesn’t always mean they’re abusers. However, along with the love bombing came quite a few lies.. he wasn’t good at lying as he’d forget what he’d said previously and drop himself in it!
    After a little digging I found out that despite him constantly telling me how much he really liked me, loved spending time with me bla bla bla – he was also saying the same to a few other women.
    So that was that. Gone.

    I have done the freedom project and I’ve been on my own for almost (detail removed by moderator)yrs now – only recently decided to look at dating as felt I’d got to a good place in my life, have my boundaries right, done a lot of therapy etc and got my self worth back.

    I’m leaving it again now though and staying on my own, these last few weeks my ptsd has been triggered massively by some unrelated stuff so need to get myself back on track! Thinking I’ll probably just stay on my own forever because there’s always something!
    🙁

  • #86646
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Sounds like you’re dojng everything right and spot on with the gut feeling. Well done you. Please don’t write of a loving caring relationship because of your past. Just take it slowly and look for Male friendship first. I too suffer from PTSD and if there’s too much stress going on, I can have a melt down. Trying to keep life simple x

  • #86771
     Canon 
    Participant

    Thanks, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do – keep it simple and try and enjoy life! It’s really tough atm with the ptsd having been triggered badly again. This last week has been horrific!
    Won’t write off a decent, living relationship if it comes along, but for now, I’ve decided I’m not looking anymore.. need to get on top of my mental health again and back to a better place x

  • #86773
     KIP. 
    Participant

    That’s a great idea. I like to treat myself like I’m dating myself. Self love. Treat yourself to the things that you like. Buy yourself flowers with no expectations. Your favourite scented bubble bath. A bar of chocolate. A favourite movie. I’m trying to regain the woman I was pre abuse. She’s very slowly coming back to the surface, she’s very much still in there. I’m doing the things I was prevented from doing. It’s taken several years to get to the stage where I have the head space to do so. I’ve started an evening class and am getting fit. Have had a few holidays and am making bigger decisions. Slowly taking back control. Step by step. I miss company and want to reconnect with people, whereas before I’d gladly spend years on my own, so that’s positive too.

  • #86912
     JustKeepSinging 
    Participant

    I’ve just done a Clare’s law application on my (ex?) husband and you can put on the form if you want it to remain anonymous. I would think that if you put in the bit where it asks you why you want it your history it wouldn’t be questioned.
    Well done though on listening to your gut instinct and stopping dating this guy – you must be healing and getting stronger! I can’t wait to be stronger – the thought of being with anyone else though just scares the life out of me!

  • #86917
     KIP. 
    Participant

    One of the reasons for being denied the information is that you are no longer in the relationship. You may want to consider how you word the application x

  • #86919
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Sounds like you found it a bit stressful, but yes like the others, was really good to read you listened to and responded to yourself. Can understand you feel like a time out for now. Just wanted to add, did you know it’s very natural for old feelings and memories to be invoked that stem from the abuse when you are in the next romantic relationship? Can cause a bit of confusion even for those self aware – which is what you’re saying happened I guess, until you gathered more info and processed your thoughts and feelings. Could be good to see a therapist when going through this. Sounds like you’ve managed to be your own therpist here, which is really one of the aims of therapy so that’s great, but guess what I’m saying is if you ever feel vulnerable you can always pull in your support now as well hey, which I can see you did by posting here. Hope you feel good for having been able to navigate through this – shows us you have gained the resiliance you need and you can take some confidence now from that also. Nice work! x

  • #87744
     Canon 
    Participant

    Thanks everyone, I am waiting to see a therapist again. As much as I thought
    I was ready for dating, the whole experience has set me back a bit and I ended up feeling pretty low 🙁 The ptsd is really hard to cope with – especially when the symptoms had been so settled for so long! I’m looking to move completely away from this area near to where a relative of mine is and just have a completely fresh start. There’s too many bad memories here – not just of the ex but other past abuse from when I was a child. Even my gp suggested moving away so I can heal somewhere without all the constant reminders around me!
    Just taking a day at a time at the mo. But remaining hopeful that life is going to work out well in the end! x

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