Clarity

[Greystripe]

I came across a video on Youtube a couple of days ago – and suddenly, my entire life with my husband, my mental health problems for the last few years – they all make sense.

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I’ve been watching for the past few days, & he’s just much, much better at making himself look reasonable – which in turn, makes me look the opposite. I can’t believe I didn’t see it for SO long! I’m also not entirely convinced whether he’s truly highly (detail removed by moderator) or whether it’s a result of unhealthy behaviours learned from his mother. Though either way, I suppose the effect on me is still the same.

I also – for the first time ever – find myself not being able to trust a word he says in terms of thoughts / feelings now, which is making life even more stressful than it was before! 🙁

I’m not sure why I’m posting, really – I just really needed to tell SOMEONE, & there’s nobody IRL that I can talk to about this atm.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there Greystripe,

It changes everything when we start being able to see through them, see them for what they really are. I know from my own ex and from having read a lot on the topic that abusers are very good at presenting themselves well and indeed warp reality to make it look like we are the crazy ones and that they are the victims. I think one of the reasons we don’t see it, is because they blame us for everything so we spend an awful lot of time thinking how do we improve, how do we become better, how do we change so that he stops hurting us. But the reality is that we aren’t the problem, so no matter how much we look to change ourselves, it will never be good enough. Because the problem is with him and his choice of being abusive. Indeed, it matters less what reason might be behind his behaviour as the result on you is the same. I found reading “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft to help settle all these questions I had about my ex, and dare I say the hopes I had of fixing my ex and fixing myself so that I could be a partner worthy of not being abused. It helped provide much needed clarity for me. The ladies on this forum are amazing at reassuring experiences and emotions and so they have provided clarity for me, too. There is a wealth of knowledge out there and it’s so good to read you are discovering this because it does change the perspective for us x

Have you thought about calling WA for a chat? It might be helpful as well to talk with them about what has happened to you and to hear that understanding voice on the other end. It’s good you came to post here, I too make posts where I don’t really know why but it’s more about getting it out somewhere, so keep posting as well x

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