29th April 2021 at 7:10 pm #125343
hi , I’m a let’s say a mature woman with no kids living at home, my partner is the same s¥x as myself . She doesn’t hit me or shout at me and would move heaven and earth to make me happy , constantly telling me she loves me but , yes as every story goes there’s always a but … I feel she’s obsessed with me , she calls it love , if I want to go to bed because I’m tired and it’s early , she will also go to bed despite not being tired herself because that’s what lovers do, if I want to go to the shop she has to come too, cause yes thats what lovers do , lovers do things together not separately, she currently isn’t working due to covid but she was like this before Covid, one year my son asked me if he could go away for his birthday, I told him yes, he obviously wanted me to go with him so I told my partner and she was yes thats OK I’ll book the time off work and start saving, I told her it was just me and my son going and she said no , I love you and lovers do things together, they go away together not separately, so she ended up coming as well, we don’t share a bed due to a problem I have but when we go to bed she as to be the one who closes my curtains, pulls back the covers , turns the night light on, yes I am very capable of doing this myself but , yes because we are lovers this is what lovers do … I feel she is treating me like a kid rather than a adult and she is slightly older than me only by a few years , the other night I wanted to get out of the house by myself, just for some fresh air , so told her I was going for a drive , I went outside (removed by moderator) , I didn’t no where I was going to couldn’t tell her , I have no friends here so could only go and sit in a carpark somewhere, I feel trapped most days but my family don’t live locally and have no room to put me up anyway , I feel miserable and think about leaving most days but 2 things stops me, one I don’t even know if this is abuse or am I making a mountain out of a molehill , is this how lovers are supposed to act? Do lovers have to go everywhere together, tell each other thier every move? Have to go to bed at the same time, eat when the other is eating even if your not hungry? I’d feel foolish ringing women’s aid to be told this is all perfectly normal , plus there is my dog , he was mine before I moved in with my partner and it would break my heart to leave him behind , I have no one to look after him and then I’d not even be rehomed as I gave up my property to move in with my partner so I made myself homeless anyway , I just don’t know where to turn to and I’m quite aware others have much more serious issues than me on here , guess mine are quite tame and I’m sorry for wasting anyones time for reading this
29th April 2021 at 8:13 pm #125348maddogParticipant
She is obsessed with you and she is controlling you.
Domestic Abuse is far more complex than we imagine. Please speak to Women’s Aid. Truly you won’t be wasting anyone’s time.
The behaviour sounds like stalking. It sounds as though you’re having your every move monitored. It’s not normal. It’s not love.
Women’s Aid can help you develop a safety plan. They should also be able to help you find a foster care for your dog. There are organisations who arrange foster care for animals belonging to people escaping domestic abuse.
Please don’t minimise your experience. Abuse doesn’t come with prizes.
You’ve done so well to recognise that there is something really wrong going on, and basically in this relationship you’re being trodden on and used.
Your partner knows that you’re trapped and is feeding off this. People don’t leave abusive relationships; they escape. Please reach out for real life help and support through Women’s Aid. You can also dial 101 and ask to be put through to the Domestic Abuse team who will be able to guide you to local help. They’re not part of the police so you won’t be speaking to a police officer.
I know it all sounds dramatic. As you learn more about domestic abuse you’ll learn that it isn’t dramatic at all.
Your partner is abusing you.
29th April 2021 at 8:28 pm #125349
I’ve guessed for a while that she is obsessed, if my phone goes off she wants to know who it is , if I’m reading/writing a email she asks who I am writing to , if I reply none of your business she’ll say you shouldn’t have anything to hide from me, I try to tell her I’m not hiding anything from her she just doesn’t need to know who I’m emailing etc but she’ll insist she does cause she loves me .
I didnt realise that I could get help with pets etc because I remember a few years back someone had to give up her pets because the refuge/women’s aid wouldn’t help her .
I feel nervous about making calls as I’m not very good on phone calls I struggle to process information unless written down and struggle to follow conversations
29th April 2021 at 8:45 pm #125351RosemaryParticipant
Hi there I really feel for you because your partner sounds like mine where I cant go out on my own he has to go with me every where even being in the same house he wants to now where I am its quite annoying it’s all down to controling us also your partner is over prossevis she needs to give you some space some air to breath and not smothering you my partner does the same thing it makes me feel crossafobic. Your partner dont have to go every with you or even do things for you it is abuse it’s so wrong how your being treated I’ve been treated the same it makes me feel I dont trust my parnter he even run down fast to the bus stop to me before he was looking at my phone to see what I was doing its horrible liveing on egg
If you find it hard to talk on the phone to women aid you can email them and talk that way if you feel emails are better? I hope you get help you need some much I now its difficult talking to others but always remember you are number one and you matter the most so please take care of your self sending you hugs take care
29th April 2021 at 11:10 pm #125359maddogParticipant
Please don’t feel ashamed of feeling afraid, inarticulate, angry, hurt, ashamed.You’ve made the first step by posting here. People don’t call the Domestic Abuse helpline when everything’s going well. Women’s Aid understand well that same sex relationships can be abusive. We all go through the same Fear, Obligation, Guilt and Shame.
We don’t get to choose our birthdays, our parents, our height, our flesh tone. We don’t get to choose who we’re attracted to either.
Anyone can wind up in an abusive relationship.
From what you’ve written, it’s not trivial. It sounds horrific. It sounds crushing and frightening. It sounds bitterly isolating and anxiety inducing.
Please keep posting. You’re not alone.
30th April 2021 at 12:22 pm #125372LisaMain Moderator
Just to clarify; it is rare that refuges can facilitate pets in their spaces but there are pet fostering schemes that work alongside refuges so that women can keep in touch and reunite with their pets once they are rehoused from living in refuge. Dog’s Trust/Freedom Project is a pet fostering service that covers many areas over the UK and could be a good place to start inquiring about how they operate and what to expect. They can also signpost you to any other pet fostering scheme closer to you if necessary.
As far as struggling to talk and process information; do just make whoever you speak to aware of this and they can accommodate. Many women needing help will feel similar, so it should be something services are familiar with hearing and so can empathize. The most important thing is to feel you have access to help should you need it. As Rosemary mentioned, you can also send emails to most domestic abuse services too. Find your local service here. Women’s Aid also operate a Live Chat service.
You may also find it useful to speak to Galop, an LGBT+ anti-violence/abuse charity. They operate an online/email service too.
I hope you find this useful.
1st May 2021 at 3:29 am #125406SilverbirchParticipant
Hello. I hope you find a safe way to make contact with women’s aid. If you use email, take care to cover your tracks. This isn’t love, it is abuse. Real love let’s the other person be who they are. Keep posting and stay safe. X
1st May 2021 at 5:09 pm #125431
I guess I don’t like to think its abuse as she’d so loving but I do feel hemmed in, hate getting up in the morning, hate picking up my phone when notifications come through or even a phone call, I swear her ears start flapping when I’m on the phone , she pretends she’s not listening but she will stop what she’s doing and sit next to me, even interrupting the conversation I’m having which is annoying .
I feel like I’m too old to be going into a woman’s refuge and I have no kids to take with me, will they refuse me?
I have already emailed the dogs Trust to see whats what.
I’m just so confused 😕
3rd May 2021 at 10:47 am #125468
5th June 2021 at 11:42 am #126698
5th June 2021 at 12:29 pm #126700RosemaryParticipant
Hello [email protected]
I am sorry what your going thought I feel for you because your partner sounds just like mine everything your partner doing my partner does the same apart from he dont go to bed the same time as me .it is abuse and your partner is stalking you also she is controling you it’s not right you deserve some space alone you should beabule to go out to have some fresh air my partner is the same he wants to come out with me everywhere makes me feel crossafobic like I cant have no air to breath . It’s not called love what your partner is doing to you . Lovers don’t have to go everywhere together . My partner is possessive over me as well makes me feel closed in he gave me abusive because I wanted to go out with my friends he tried to control me and tell me I should not have friends . He dont like if I communicate friends when I used to go out seeing my family on my own after I used to go to the shops to have time on my own when I got back home my partner gave me abuse told me I left him on his own for to long .my partner treats me like I am a child to it’s not nice
I hope you got some advice and surport from women aid or someone who could help you in your situation sending you all my love to you .
5th June 2021 at 12:37 pm #126701EggshellsParticipant
I’m not surprised that you feel confused. Her actions could be interpreted as love and many would certainly perceive them as loving.
I see them as a form of control.
Real love is about understanding someone’s needs, listening and communicating.
Please do have a look at this questionnaire by Women’s Aid. It might help to give you a little more insight. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/
5th July 2021 at 5:09 pm #128284DinkyHorseParticipant
[email protected] I hope you’re doing okay? Hope you’ve spoken to Women’s aid and heard back from Dogs Trust. You haven’t replied for a while, you still have support on here if you still haven’t left.
Your partner sounds like mine. We do everything together, showering, eating, going to bed, watching tv…there is no privacy etc. He also asks me who it is every time my phone goes off or what I’m doing whenever I pick up my phone which puts me off doing anything especially messaging friends/family. Talking to me when I’m on the phone to someone else (annoys me so much). You have the right to your own life and to do things individually, it’s not healthy to be joined at the hip like we are. Sending love and hugs. x
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