Climbing out of covert abuse abyss

[Xyz123]

Hi

I am new hear, I was in a (detail removed by moderator) month long on/off relationship with someone I now know to have been a covert abuser.

(detail removed by moderator) months ago everything came to a crashing halt when his ex (who wasn’t his ex) reached out to me to know the truth….she and I shared stories and the web of lies he created was phenomenal, i saw that he had a pattern of meeting women online, newly separated with kids and assets and leeching off them.

So after the initial adrenalin gotcha moment what followed was truly devastating, my longing for and missing him were so debilitating, I found myself flying into rages one specifically with my daughter and that’s when I knew I needed to seek help and start working with a counsellor.

My awareness of the covert abuse started after I found my waking mood unpredictable one day I was okay and the next in the depths of despair….a pattern that wasn’t typical for me and a break up, I started to feel very unstable and felt as though I was losing control….I had to take some time off work and something quite extreme in my mood was off.

Despite all the ‘no contact’ advice out there this was too brutal and I felt he was winning….I needed to get my power back…he emailed me some snarky comment and I thought “aha I am going to reel you back in” I proposed a meeting and that we could have an affair saying that he could have it all….he took the bait easily….we met in a neutral location ….nothing physical – I wouldn’t go near him- but I got him in a place where he felt that all was secure again…..the next morning I messaged him to say I didn’t feel the same way and I didn’t want to see him….this was satisfying on a certain level but the most revealing thing to me was the psychological power I felt he had over me …..a compulsion to be on time, to drink a lot….etc where was this coming from, there had been enough distance and time to not feel this way??

Aha moment I could feel lots of invisible threads attaching me to him, he was living in my head and had been for months and I thought BINGO this is it, as clear as day he was manipulating me from day , familiar pattern,

3 months of lovebombing then a gradual feeling of the relationship becoming unstable and fragile ….and event happened that made me completely mistrust him and I tried to get away but found myself back….I pretended in my head it was on my own terms but I now know he’d got me in those first 3 months and I was weak to resist.

I left 7 times and it became a standing joke that I would be back the next day….I would be hoovered back in and I told myself the story that I was choosing to go back.

No one understands this hidden abuse, women’s aid were great but the police didn’t get it.

I was truly truly brainwashed by him …..no one understands….I see a counsellor who is great but if I explain it to friends there is a lack of ‘getting it’.

I’m left reeling, I’m kind of in PTSD recovery which is bizarre place to be….triggers….lack of energy…inability to see a future….my drive going.

I just wanted to share ….it’s the most debilitating, misunderstood feeling

xxxx

[KIP.]

It’s positive that you now recognise the truth about what happened. Many of us are stuck in ignorance for a lifetime. Keep posting and sharing stories. Many of us have been through the same addiction to these men. Total zero contact and time will save you x

[Xyz123]

Thank you so much for your reply – yes you can absolutely see how this becomes peoples’ reality it’s insidious

[Author]

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