29th March 2021 at 9:37 pm #123982Bubblegum.Participant
He doesn’t exactly know I’m leaving because of his actions, it would cause more pain and drama in my life if he did.
I’m scared this will consume my thoughts in the future when I start to heal and try and move on?
Do you think I will need closure? Because right now he is acting like the victim and is also portraying this. Everyone feels sorry for him and doesn’t understand why I’m leaving. The consequences are worse if I tell people the truth and I know these types of people don’t take accountability and try and spin it back on us?
How do I move past this? He will have a victim feeling and get all that he wants from life in the future and feed off his new energy that he’s been hard done by.
Do I say something and start a whole new war or do I get out of this amicably and hope that time heals me and I won’t care whether or not he knows the truth??
Please help! Xx
30th March 2021 at 12:44 am #123991WaterspriteParticipant
Hello – only you know him and the risk. My advice would be to go but that is because I don’t know enough. But I think you are saying that he will never take responsibility or accountability – if he did likely you wouldn’t be going anyway. There will be lots to process and work through in time this is the stage of just one step at a time you can’t begin to sort the future until you are free. All journeys begin with a first step and that is all your focus needs to be just now. Good luck xx
30th March 2021 at 8:09 pm #124023ISOPeaceParticipant
Hi Bubblegum. This is a really good question. I’ve recently left my husband and so far, every time I feel myself wanting to explain something to him that’s because of the abuse I end up thinking it’s pointless, because I know he’ll never see it from a reasonable perspective. I can see that the part of me that wants to explain is really looking for permission or approval from him. But 1. I’ll never get it – if I could, he wouldn’t have been abusive in the first place and 2. I don’t need his permission or approval. In fact trying to get his permission/approval would be a way of opening to door to my abuser again and giving my power away to him.
It’s completely normal to want a fair resolution but with an abuser I don’t think it’s realistic. I don’t know who is feeling sorry for him and how much it affects you that they don’t know the truth but even if you told them and faced the ensuing war, I’m not sure it would make you feel better. Your happiness doesn’t depend on his feelings any more. You can have a happy life whatever people think of him. If they’re good friends of yours then I think that’s different because it’s a big part of your life that they don’t understand. But my motivation for telling friends would be because I’d want them to understand what I’ve been through rather than me wanting them to know what a sh!t he is.
Also, I honestly don’t think abusers live happy lives and I definitely don’t think feeding off victim energy is a happy way to live. I know abusers get a lot of benefit from being abusive, but it’s like a drug addiction. There are short term highs from the feeling of power and control, but I can’t believe that you can really be happy with all that abusive thinking and action. Everything I’ve ever read on happiness says happy people have empathy and compassion, acceptance and look for the best in things. Where attention goes, energy flows. An abusive person must spend so much time focussing on what’s wrong and needs to be changed by the abuse that they must be really habituated to see negatives and see the world as an unfriendly place.
So in summary I don’t know that you’ll get the closure you’re looking for by telling people the truth. And I don’t think it’s a happily ever after for him. I think it’s more beneficial to focus on looking after yourself and to not give any more power away to him. I don’t think your healing is dependent on anything about him once he’s out of your life. All this is based on my perspective an experience and it might be totally different for others so I’d be interested to see what others think.
Sending love xxxx
30th March 2021 at 9:03 pm #124030NeueranfangParticipant
I can absolutely relate to what you are describing.My Ex is playing the victim and telling people I left him for my job.I mean to be honest, people who know me should know I’m not that shallow that I would chose a job over my family and my partner of (detail removed by moderator) years.
One should note, he NEVER wanted me to work and made me lose many jobs.He thought I would give in to him again and give this job up as well.He verbally abused me every day before work and I was scared to wake up in the morning.Anyway, I told his family about a few things that had happened and they understood why I’m leaving but he is still trying to blame me because his family are sad about the break up and we have got two kids together.I still feel the urge to tell his family about everything that I had to suffer over the years as I’m being portrayed as the bad one when I tried to make our relationship work for (detail removed by moderator).I just don’t understand how he doesn’t understand why I left.It’s making me feel like I really did do him wrong and I’m crazy.I need people to validate my experiences and tell me I’ve done the right thing.I was suffering in silence for years not him.X*x
2nd April 2021 at 10:13 pm #124212
I would do what you need to do to escape with the minimum of fuss. Chances are he will be feeding of his newfound victim status for years to come anyway. That’s what they’re doing when they tell their new partners what b*tches we were.
Have you imagined how the conversation would go, if you did tell him everything? He won’t listen patiently while you get things off your chest. You’ll end up having one of those circular, pointless arguments where he brings up everything you’ve done wrong (true or not). He’ll tell you you’re wrong. You’ll find yourself defending yourself when really you’re hoping he’ll suddenly see things from your perspective.
It doesn’t matter what other people think either. Honestly, people like a bit of gossip but they won’t be obsessing about you and what you’ve ‘done’. You might lose the odd friend or two but don’t spend any more precious time trying to put things right with people so quick to pass judgement.
It takes a while to get these men out of our heads. If I do think of my abuser at all, I see a lonely and bitter old man. Karma.
3rd April 2021 at 12:00 am #124215EggshellsParticipant
Hi Bubblegum. He won’t accept that he is abusive even if you stick evidence right under his nose. He’ll try to make it look like you’ve gone mad. Some men will initially seem to accept that they’ve been abusive and they’ll promise to change. This can keep you hooked into the cycle of abuse for many years. The bottom line is, when they realise that you actually mean business, they’ll deny, deny, deny; to you, to themselves and to everyone else.
I was advised to tell everyone. I’m not sure if that was good advice but what it did do was show me who my real friends were. It also showed me how shallow some people are and I’m pleased to say that he ended up with the shallow ones.
It is often said on here that knowledge is power and that is so true. You can use your knowledge to help you move forward. He will use his knowledge to try and destroy you. The less you tell him the better I think. xx
3rd April 2021 at 10:11 pm #124246EmpoweredhealingParticipant
Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the ability to give you closure. There isn’t anything you can do or say that would make him understand or take responsibility. So the only closure is the one that you give yourself.
I spent months in therapy, meditation, journaling after my abusive relationship ended. I often found myself having imaginary conversations with my ex, trying to explain how his toxic behavior was abusive. I think the urge to be understood, to have justice from someone who hurt us is so human and normal.
But just know that it’s futile to chase that from him. Eventually, I no longer felt the need to explain or justify. I no longer have imaginary conversations for closure. Instead, a sense of peace and deep inner knowing will take over. You’ll arrive there too but it will take some time and hard work.
3rd April 2021 at 10:48 pm #124249
What do we mean by closure anyway? It conjures up images of the end of a novel or a film, all the loose ends tidied away. It’s a shame but we know real life is messy and some loose ends stay loose. The good news is that as time goes on we care less and less about tidying up the past. It’s hard to imagine when everything is so raw but there’ll come a time when you’ll struggle to remember what he looks like.
3rd April 2021 at 11:09 pm #124251SleepypigeonParticipant
Sorry for jumping on your post but I’m struggling with this also.
When you have people tell you the ex is devastated you broke up, heartbroken, yet they have no idea what he put me through, that I’m lucky to be alive. It makes me so angry I want to shout from the rooftops that he abused me, emotionally, physically, and sexually. I want to shut them up by telling my truth, shock them into seeing the real person behind the mask he wears, but I don’t. I keep quiet, say nothing, and it feels like he’s won. I know talking will only fuel him, so I say nothing. And this tears me up, I’m so conflicted by emotions, that I’m doing the right thing, by staying quiet, not reacting, but inside I’m screaming. Iv had imaginary conversations, daydreams of outing him, or someone else realising what he’s like, or simply hoping he dissappears, permanently. When does it get easier? I feel more trapped now than I did then.
3rd April 2021 at 11:40 pm #124253
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. People can be so b****y annoying. You know, I wouldn’t dream of commenting on anyone else’s relationship, unless they asked me to. Why do they think you want to hear any of it? Telling them the truth is pointless, as you know. But staying quiet isn’t helping you either. Try shutting down conversations as soon as they start. It’s not rude to say you don’t want to hear it.
4th April 2021 at 12:53 am #124255SleepypigeonParticipant
I dont know why they feel the need to comment and sometimes I feel its not meant in a bad way, but by saying “I heard this” it just boils my blood, I did shut it down, but even then the words swim round and round my head.
It’s so frustrating and draining.
Why do they just get to walk away and we are left drowning?
He did all those things yet is swaning around like the victim.
4th April 2021 at 12:38 pm #124272DarcyParticipant
Hi beautiful Angel … Bubblegum,
I left my ex when he was sleeping and yes it crossed my mind a few times that he might have felt blindsided by this, but I also felt blindside when he started to hit me round the head more times that I care to remember among a lot of other horrendous things he did in our home, where I was meant to feel safe!
If they were balanced, respectful people we would be able to discuss leaving with them and although it would be painful they would agree and let us go, these are not those men. So we have to sneak out or escape with all the drama that goes with it.
How I worked through things is that over time I forgave him and I forgave myself and then I let it all go.
When we live with these men we have no way of policing their thoughts or actions so we certainly aren’t going to be able to do it when we have walked out on them. Whatever he is saying to other people is his business, let it go. If people believe him, it says more about them than it does about you. You don’t need these people in your life, and the sooner you clear them out, you make room for new positive people.
Do not waste your time and energy on them any longer when you could be focusing on yourself.
People will do what they want to do, the only person you have full control over is yourself, hold your head up high and focus and invest in you.
Sending you continued love and support
4th April 2021 at 7:37 pm #124294Bubblegum.Participant
Thank you all the advice is amazing as always x*x💕💕💕
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