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    • #148118
      Mellow
      Participant

      He only has to pick the kids up and go but it never happens.when he arrives he has got his sweet caring head on with the most caring smile I get called nice names for once and he approaches the children at my entrance I would rather him not come any further that is my boundary unless otherwise stated.but once he arrives he has his phone out and is busy doing something I don’t care what but he always seems to stay put a little longer.the kids always Moan that they’ve not set off yet and it’s said more than once then I break up the courage to say it myself like the kids are ready you can go now and I will still be told to wait and I’m thinking to myself what for ?what am I waiting for? he’ll explain how he needs to do something urgently on his soft wear so I proceed to say ok do it at home and I’m still being gas lighted.in my door way is a mirror well everyone knows what that means don’t they .he also will try and flirt and things. I accept so much flirting but I don’t want to react to it.how do I not react?even a gentle smile is an emotion so how do I approach this.i don’t want to be on bad terms I just want to raise my kids I don’t know how to deal with it there’s no touching it’s words and actions sometimes I go out the room but he’s still there kids waiting don’t know what to do

    • #148121
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Can you have the kids ready and exchange on the doorstep so he doesn’t come in? Do you drive, could you drop them off instead of him picking them up? This is what I do, it’s not ideal and he still plays tricks but at least it’s not in my home.

      I had a rough day recently where he kicked off because I hadn’t involved him in something at nursery but I pay for that single-handedly without anything from him so why would I?! These men honestly x

    • #148122
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Could you arrange to exchange the kids via a 3rd party or arrange to meet him with them in the local park. That way you can walk away as soon as he turns up.

      He knows you want him to go. He’s playing power games – showing you that he can still control you.

      If neither of those are possible just send the kids out of the door say goodbye and close the door. He won’t stand there looking at a closed door for very long and if he does, at least he’s not interacting with you.

      What does a mirror by a door mean?

    • #148135
      Mellow
      Participant

      Thankyou I may try the park idea.they are already ready that is the problem all he has to do is leave but cause my daughter has a buggy that is indoors .
      And the mirror thing he spends 5 minutes looking at himself before he even leaves he just being mindless thinks he’s gods gift apparently a lot of narcs do this

    • #148154
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hi, when mine did the hovering rather than pick up and go (we are non contact now)… yes he used excuses to come in, then he would be playing a game 🎮 with our youngest (really making me the bad one after separation). In the end I told my husband pick up means just that, you do not come in. He didn’t like that but I had to stick to it and draw that boundary on our home (mine and kids safe space).

      If he goes to comes into to your home again you have every right to say no. If he kicks off ring the police.

      He will continue to push your boundaries so he gets it his way (cut out clear boundaries and tell him what they are,
      put it in a message what the boundaries are now that you are both separated as you are raising the children in your home you have every rigjt to decide what is best for you and your children… i did this after some time separatedand he was pushing my boundaries so i messaged him with some new boundaries (not allowed in and to wait outside in car, i had to stop him using the home like he was still part of it.. it was hard but necessary, the flirty gentle smiles (my husband tried that) I ignored as much as i could, I once asked what he was smiling about (as he was acting flirty/gentle, he didn’t like being ‘seen to act’ then he became aggressive towards me, not physically).

      Keep posting ❤️

      • #148155
        Mellow
        Participant

        Thank you for posting .what it is is he flirts more with me smiles blowing kisses speaking love languages and I will just gently smile back and it’s like he takes it the wrong way I’m just patiently waiting for him to go.as I’ve got this feeling he would be aggressive if I didn’t too he would probably smirk or smile in a somewhat demon way and put me down in some way or another for not responding all he was doing was telling me how gorgeous he was whilst looking in the mirror.I’ve been really patient in end I walk into room and leave him there till he decides he’s going .it’s wierd the way their mind works like why on earth would you think I like you and want to be with you after everything you have done .I’ve been thinking about this today he still has some power cause he’s got mail coming here and still uses address for things god knows why so I need to put some boundary in

    • #148156
      Mellow
      Participant

      He won’t change address with his bank and keeps telling me not to tell certain people cause he’s only in temp accommodation I don’t know why he’s doing this I think it’s because whoever he moved in with us not declaring something probably him living there by sound of it

    • #148157
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hi, mine wouldn’t change address either. I forwarded on his letters anyhow. Yours is using excuses to habe his name there and if henis asking younto not send his mail he is doing this to keep control and keep you doing what he wants, you do not habe to do what he wants, do what is best for you and your children sweetie.
      Have a look at grey rock method, it means that you act disinterested when in his company, so you wouldn’t smile back just look and sound disinterested. It does take some time to get used to but it worked for me with mine. When I stopped listening and no longer acknowledged or showed any emotion he started to realise that I meant it and that we are over.and the only connection is that he fathered our children.

    • #148168
      Wispatea
      Participant

      I write no longer at this address on letters and repost. We are also completely no contact. Only though solicitors and an order I tried everything you did but he just ignored or pushed more. I was too weak to say no.

    • #148169
      Mellow
      Participant

      I don’t have strength for courts right now my parent died and I’m dealing with all the paperwork it’s too much to take on with more court things I’ve heard people say court is very stressful for childcare and the worse thing I’ve lost a lot of evidence

    • #148185
      cakepops
      Participant

      Mine used to prolong handovers as much as possible whether dropping off or picking up. He would make a huge fuss about how much he had/would miss them. He’d encourage them to run up and down, throw them into the air, all sorts of stuff just to make me wait. He would also pick up our littlest one as soon as he came near to drop off – deliberately making sure they couldn’t run towards me. Then it was a huge show and dance pretending they didn’t want to get put down. Lots of comments designed to rule me up but in such as way that no-one else would know that was what he was doing. All the while recording with his phone…

      We now do third party handovers (mostly school, family for holidays) and it is so much better for me and the kids.

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