Co-parenting nightmare

[Vanillastar]

Does anyone else experience a constant battle and drama when just trying to co parent.

My daughters father has twice this weekend created dramas. He normally has our daughter (detail removed by Moderator) morning to (detail removed by Moderator) afternoon. He decided to work (detail removed by Moderator). He didn’t come to me and say he couldn’t have her and suggest alternative arrangements and didn’t arrange any alternative care for her but did for his other child whom he also had but just expected me to know that he would pick her up after work (detail removed by Moderator). When I tried to explain it was his time he should have arranged care for both his children or come to me and explained/rearranged I just got screamed at down the phone and called names.

When I have picked my daughter up (detail removed by Moderator) he had a go at me for not leaving my buggy for him and his mum to use and I should automatically leave it every time. I explained it is my equipment if they would like to borrow it just ask and again he shouted and swore at me and slammed the door in my face. I told him a few weeks ago he needed to buy his own equipment that he needs instead of using mine. Am I asking too much?

[Bananaboat]

No you’re not asking too much. Remember what you’re dealing with here though they don’t think about others, even their kids, just themselves. I don’t know how old your child is but I used to say to mine how happy I was I got extra time with her whenever her dad let her down, tried to turn it into a positive as much as possible.

[Vanillastar]

Hi Bananaboat

Thank you for your reply. Luckily my little girl is too young to understand but I dread the day she will understand.

Take care

[N-Survivor]

This is abuse. Is there a way to limit contact or have it through a third party? I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

[Vanillastar]

Hi N-Survivor

Thanks for your reply. I don’t like to put on anyone to be the third party. He lives with one of his parents but they don’t want to be involved between me and him. I am trying to limit contact though.

Take care

[KIP.]

You can never co parent with an abuser and any direct contact you have with him he will use to continue his abuse. Use a third party for all contact. Report any abuse to the police and keep a record of his behaviour. He will ignore everything you want and make things as difficult as he can for you. Do you have a legal access agreement and are you the resident parent? Contact your local women’s aid for support. You’re going to have to not rely on him for anything. Set firm boundaries now because this will go on for years.

[Vanillastar]

Hi KIP

Thanks for the reply.

I am the resident parent but we don’t have a legal access arrangement. We agreed his access arrangements but that was difficult and he hasn’t 100% stuck to it. I do keep a record of all incidents and his behaviours and I have all text messages saved.

Take care

[privatelady]

It’s using contact to manipulate you and confuse you. it is not in the best interests of your child for it to be this way. If the kids prepared to go and no one shows up that’s a rejection straight off and the name calling is another add on of an abuser will always blame somebody else when they overstep the mark.
Keep records of everything . Times dates, screenshot of any messages sent as evidence for court when things like this happen.
I’m just at the stage of legal advice over my ex and contact as he’s a game player but recognising it for what it is gives you power to be prepared, at least in your own mind.
Im not relying on mine for anything at all.

[Vanillastar]

Hi privatelady

Thanks for your reply.

I do keep records of everything and all text messages. At the moment I haven’t done anything legally we agreed his access arrangements between ourselves but he made it difficult and he hasn’t 100% stuck to it. How have you found it? Have you now got a legal agreement?

Take care

[Anonymous]

Hi there,

I’ve just closed the door on a phase of years of ‘co-parenting’ as DD is now over sixteen (can’t think of another word for it, as although we know it is not truly possible with an abuser we still have to navigate it somehow).

I understand about not being able to or wanting to use a third party. Unless they have an awareness of the aftermath of domestic abuse, this is sometimes of limited use and it’s kind of as if the third party’s views and feelings can get wrapped up in the whole thing.

So, I used a public place (to do handovers) somewhere with CCTV like a library, a supermarket or a railway station.

I honestly dont’ think there are many people who get how tiring navigating that process can be. Even close friends didn’t.

But I’m sure some on here do get it.

Guess the most important thing for me looking back was to make sure I was well rested, with personal boundaries intact. (Which I didn’t always manage).

Yes, recording things is good.

Also some acknowledgement of the different challenges posed by the age group you have, as they grow up…for example…how their needs change and yours.

And really cast iron boundaries around your abuser.

Mine doesn’t even have my email address (I don’t want emails from him in my inbox).

Good luck it’s hard.

[Vanillastar]

Hi StartingOverAgain

Thank you for reply.

It is so difficult. I am trying to set boundaries but I am also too soft at times just to try and keep some peace.

I have suggested recently we have a drop off/pick up point so we don’t have to be at each other’s houses but he just ignored me.

This weekend he has been absolutely fine but it’s been (detail removed by moderator) and we have both had time with her separately with no problems. I know come next week it will be a different story.

Take care

[Anonymous]

Well done Vanilla star for navigating (detail removed by moderator). Really impressive that you seemed to have stayed on the level.

Just to say at an early stage I went to counselling and by the time I had got to court was able to practically dictate a contact arrangement to my barrister who put it before the judge.

It was then I was given residency. I explained to the judge my DD needed stability and if we didn’t have one it would cause issues.

So looking back in some ways having a legal framework protected me/us as it took out a lot of the elements of as you say, abuser ignoring things etc. But it was also difficult.

If you can possibly get to the point where you are strong enough in your boundaries and resilient enoiugh to enforce without going to court, that in my view at least is the main thing.

I continued to be afraid of ex for many years sadly, even with the agreemnt. So there are arguments either way.

[Anonymous]

Also, as far as suggesting things is concerned I think what you need to say is:

‘I’ll be at x place at x time on such and such a day for the pick up/drop off’

and keep repeated if he argues.

If he doesn’t turn up and doesn’t inform you, sadly so be it.

[Author]

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