Coercisve control/abuse or just bad relationship?

[lovelifefreely]

Hello, would really like your opinions on the following behaviours within a past relationship:

Not contributing at all to running of house (excluding financial contribution)
Spending all his spare cash on himself while your is used up on mostly bills
not wanting to do out beyond a certain area
always spending time doing what he wanted to do, you tagging along but this was not the case in reverse
getting angry and yelling and thowing things
not allowing you to better yourself unless you can keep earning a minimum amount
not fixing up his house so your not always cold
wanting sex, and expecting you to be in the mood, and when you’re not you get pestered and do so anyway

and generally not going out of the way to live an equal respectful life.

Would really like to know what catagories this behaviour would fall into

[KIP.]

Financial, emotional, verbal, sexual, physical, mental.
Not healthy and I’m sure you’re extremely unhappy, unfulfilled, frightened, and confused x try ringing the helpline number on here and chat to someone who can support you. Or pop into your local women’s aid. Getting angry, yelling and throwing things and putting you in a state of fear and distress is illegal x not a nice man and typical abuser behaviour x

[maddog]

Well done for finding here, lovelifefreely. He sounds extremely selfish. Would you describe his behaviour as Passive Aggressive? Being (ahem) pestered into sex sounds to me like coercion which is really really bad. From what you say it sounds like abusive behaviour. Please keep posting. It took me a very very long time for me to understand that my ex’s behaviour was actually abusive. I thought I knew what abuse was before I met him and he seemed perfect. Four massive red flags are Contempt, Criticism, Stonewalling and Defensiveness. My ex was waving massive red flags in front of me from the moment I met him. I still struggle to forgive myself.

[diymum@1]

intimidation frightening you – financial abuse – sexual coersion -double standards – coersive control taking away your liberty all hall marks of abuse xx

[Eve1]

My ex did all of these things, it is abuse, of the kind KIP has listed. I stayed for a long time, for the children(I thought) and because there were peaceful lulls in between, but they got shorter and shorter. I made excuses for him, work stress, family stress, but there is no excuse. It’s a choice.

Eve

[lovelifefreely]

Thank you ladies for your helpful comments, at the time i did not feel like i was being abused, it’s only now, years later and after a particular event that i am starting to wonder whether it could have been. i feel i need to clarify that the throwing things was usually when something did not go his way and was not directed at me, i did feel afraid sometimes of the yelling but not necessarily of being hurt by him, he was never physically violent towards me, i was allowed to come and go as i please, as long as i was respectful to let him know when i would be home etc, but i did a lot of things/activities alone because he did not want to do them, does this change anything?

[maddog]

My ex used to grump for Britain. He used to say that it wasn’t about me. He used to break my things (ahem) by mistake and not replace them. When he is throwing stuff around because he isn’t getting his way, you take away the passive element of his behaviour and all you’re left with is aggression. Passive aggression is often harder to deal with because it falls below the radar. In many ways it is more dangerous because we don’t have the physical marks to show for it.

You sound as though you spent much of your time with him pampering to his needs, walking on eggshells and hoping he wouldn’t explode.

I expect he made excuses for his behaviour and was ultimately unaccountable for it. I expect that whenever he blew a fuse it was somebody else’s fault.

Abuse is a revolting pill to swallow. It’s hard to come to terms with it. I feel very foolish for not recognising the red flags my ex was waving under my nose from the beginning.

Your experience sounds very much like abuse. It would probably help to speak to someone at Women’s Aid to help you through this. We normalise behaviour to survive and we undermine ourselves for the same reason. We underestimate the trauma until we are well away.

[lovelifefreely]

Thank you for your feedback, its been very helpful, it didnt even occur to me until recently that i might of been abused, but looking back now, i am slowly comming to the realization that i may also have been emotionally abused most of my life by family, possibly. i would appreciate it if anyone could clarify if examples of the following from family members whilst growing up is actually considered abusive, or if it was just growing pains and oversensitivity, (most of the following was done by people who love me and are clueless to any wrong doing on their part):
Being laughed at and made the but of every joke
pushed down different avenues regarding ‘what you want to be when you grow up’
persuaded not to continue a certain enjoyable activity as ‘you’re fed up of doing this now aren’t you’
told off for things not your fault
made to be responsible for adult things due to ill parent
manipulative matriarch who wanted information on your father
never being listened to, always shouted accross whilst trying to have my say
made to feel guilty about many small things that you may have done
not being allowed to venture far from home, do any activities that would involve being driven somewhere/ catching a bus/ or allowing other children into your home.

your veiws would be much appreciated

[maddog]

There’s a thing Called Adverse Childhood Experience which you may find helpful. There’s also loads of stuff on Youtube about n********m and empathy. So many of us have endured difficult childhoods. Abusers seek out vulnerability.

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