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    • #93977
      Courage157
      Participant

      Don’t know where to start..background is I fled my ex with our (detail removed by moderator)yr old (detail removed by moderator) years ago. We went through the usual contact centres etc and last yr had a final order in place. I’ve never stopped contact, do everything to make things good (involve dad in child’s life above and beyond order like getting school photos, video calls, gifts on Father’s Day etc etc). I do it for my child.

      (detail removed by moderator)

      (detail removed by moderator) and now he is creating issues wanting much more days that were not ordered and is making my life a living nightmare. How? I’ll try and explain.

      Since I left him his control over me has gotten worse to the point I feel strangled and I’ve wanted to end my life. I will never do this as I’m strong, but he does things in such a subtle way to break you I can’t explain it without writing pages and pages.

      He is powerful, very rich, very high up in his job. (detail removed by moderator) he throws money at his family lawyers.

      Things he does makes me feel anxious, like I don’t want to do anything but sit and waste my day and feel so down. (He made me leave my job when I gave birth and I’m wanting to do something on my own but he never leaves me head space). He sends me emails, demanding things, then says I’m not compromising. He is twisting the order and it is clear he wants to vary it but is blaming me for it. Anyone reading his emails would go crazy. He confuses me, adds things in that were not ordered and lies A LOT. Eg. If an egg is white, it’s in the order as being white, everyone can see its white but he keeps saying over and over it’s black, and tells me I’m wrong. He goes out of his way to always threaten me With court if I don’t agree to what he wants. I send 1 email and I get 4 back, all pages long. He talks down at me. When I say he confuses me, it’s not because I’m not clever or bright, it’s hard to explain. One thing was where he used a spreadsheet to draft his own calendar up, and plotted the days (he wanted on the calendar telling me that’s what the order states) so he plotted the dates, giving himself more weeks than the judge ordered, it’s clear on his calendar he has done this and left me with less days than the judge ordered, YET he does a calculation on his spreadsheet to calculate these days but he manipulates the formula to say that he has less days than me, saying that I gave him less days and I’m not being fair. This kind of thing. (detail removed by moderator). He then goes onto more confusion of half days, part days, nights and days he and I have. It’s like he is obsessed with counting nights/days etc when the order was clear and stated things in weeks only.

      This aside. Since I left him, he does little things which I feel are harassing now. It’s never obvious as he is very clever and sometimes I wish that he was the type to just hit or scream for example as what he does is so hard to prove. On video calls to our child he sometimes has sly digs directed at me subtly like making a chuckle after a question to my son about where we went, or writing notes in his reading book that he knows will upset me like saying our child wants to go overseas with him after the book was about holidays. Every year I have come back from going to see family abroad (I only go once a year and it’s in the order as he stopped me from doing so before, judge said it’s our child’s heritage). When I get back, my car is always vandalised by having a window broken. I can’t blame him, but it’s (detail removed by moderator) years in a row now and a pattern emerges exactly on the day or a day after ive come back . It’s like he wants to cause me pain.

      What I’ve written is nothing and I know I can’t explain it well, this is why these men get away with it because no one has the patience to help or listen. I have evidence, if they wanted to go through texts and emails..

      So with this calendar, that he doesn’t agree too, in short I told him that I would not deviate from what was ordered. This is after complete confusion from him manipulating and emailing me with over (detail removed by moderator) emails. What happened? He sent me a letter from his solicitors (a day after he came with me to see our child’s school play). Threatening they will go back to court to when they open after Christmas if I don’t agree to what he wants, even though we have a final order and it was not up for discussion to add more and more days in esp when he has half of all holidays and it’s not a joint custody case as he lives (detail removed by moderator) hours away. He acted like jerkil and hyde, on email horrible yet at school fake. The next day I get a solicitors letter. No warning. There is more I haven’t said as it takes time to explain but I feel like he is still controlling me, he wants to take our child away from me and was not happy with the order made, even though he has half of the holidays like Easter half term Christmas and summer 3 weeks split. My last email to him before all this was for him to be understanding and that it’s Christmas and I asked him not to ruin Christmas this year for me as our child is with me first (last year our child was with my ex for Christmas and I gave him no trouble), this year he is intent on upsetting me.

      I don’t know how to tell anyone, make the Judge see what he is doing to me. When he upsets me, it affects me and my time with our child. I’m the parent that does all the homework, projects etc when my child goes to him he does nothing with him, even though I send though things he should complete. It’s like he takes him for fun.

      He did something else that I thought could have been to punish me. When we came bsck from holiday, and he went to his dads for his break, he put our child who is nearly (detail removed by moderator) and been out of nappies since age 2 and no accidents) in nappies for a week. My child cane back and in the bath said my daddy put me in nappies mummy. I told him did he say to daddy that you don’t wear them anymore as you don’t have accidents and he said yes I told daddy but he didn’t listen. He put him not in the pull up pants, but the actual baby nappies and are tight on him. I noted it down and text him to politely ask this and dad admitted it. I asked him not to put him in nappies ever again as it puts him back in his development.

      (detail removed by moderator). What do I do? How do I stop him controlling every inch of my life still ? I wanted to speak to the police, then I sit there and think, they would just say it’s a family dispute, battle it out at court etc etc, but it’s not that, he knows what upsets me, knows I have no legal representation….and he loves it when he wins. I have lost faith…. (detail removed by moderator) I just wished my ex was a normal ex who cared enough for his child not to create issues like this. How does anyone deal with blatant liars? It’s dangerous and I worry so much 🙁

    • #93994
      KIP.
      Participant

      Any contact is toxic. You need to stick to the court order and ignore everything else. Block him on email mobile and get a cheap mobile phone for text only via a third party. Keep all the evidence you have so far of his coercive and abusive controlling behaviour. If he takes you back to court then ask the judge for him to pay your legal fees. Solicitors have a duty not to take a case to court without it being credible. Using solicitors to harass you is not allowed. Speak to your local women’s aid for support going forward. Once you go zero contact you will have the space to regain your confidence. Hand over via a third party or contact centre.

    • #93996
      hop
      Participant

      Kip is right cut ff all contact. Follow the court order to the letter. None of what you’ve said is nothing but he’s worn you down for so long. He sounds exactly like my ex and I find myself saying “I know it doesn’t sound like anything but….” stay strong and give him an alternate way of sending his messages and go through a third party. Take care lovely x

    • #94016
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      No direct Contact with him is the way to get peace of mind. They mess with our heads and you are spot in he loves seeing you upset. Use a third party to deal with him and relay any relevant info to you in the third party’s words not yours.

      He wants to keep your mind, attention and energy on him and his mind games so you don’t have a life.

      Keep posting. I totally got every word of your post. All the abusers are similar and have similar patterns and behaviors. Knowledge is Power. You’ll get the knowledge in here. Welcome to the Forum.

    • #94017
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Typo- in the third party’s words not his

    • #94018
      diymum@1
      Participant

      I had this too very similar xx cut your self right out that’s the best and only way with theses men as above. I tried too to communicate but he just wanted more and more. It got messy. Can one off your family take control of the email ? Get the pay as you go phone and let him know who he is contacting. I did this when he can’t get to you he will get bored xx

    • #94033
      Escapee
      Participant

      Hi Courage157,

      Can I say…..what an a***hole.

      I get you completely, I’ve got one of those too. How I’ve kept my sanity is beyond me!

      I’m with the other ladies, go third party and dry up his ability to manipulate you.

    • #94047
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Yup hear you loud and clear, it’s a constant drip to deal with so over time it becomes accumalative stress and you get worn down and exhausted by it. He sounds like a egotistical, entitled, maniac – and out of control. My ex has been the same in that what he actually does is seen as legal and within his rights, no one seems to be interested in looking at the fact there is no need, it’s unecessary and I have done absolutely nothing to invoke legal action, that he’s harrassed me through my child and the legal system; my only crime is that I have tried to uphold the boundaries we need in place and that is it – which clearly infuriates him, he’s always looking for an angle to attack with.

      I’ve got shed loads of evidence and yet no one in authority seems to want to look at it – because it’s his right? I can’t actually beleive that we have been through this process and no one has even asked for any evidence?! Its all done on he says, she says and what the child says – WTH? I can see that we all have the right to complain, but it is not ok for someone to use these rights for abuse. I wish he would get charged, as I’m sure you do, but I just cant see it happening unless he steps over line and it becomes glaring obvious he has broken the law.

      This will effect your child as he grows, he will use alienation, so if I were you I’d research this and try and get ahead, ready for it. The only way to fight this is with other services involved and other professional opinions. Sounds like your child is not old enough to verbalise himself yet, I would call the NSPCC and get advice; they offer a much better service for children than the government agencies, more thorough, understand abuse and work to end it for each and every child. Get them to recognise what is going on here for the child and this is golden – could help you and your child alot – give yu the support you need – and it wont make any difference how many fancy solictors he pays.

      As above, the only way to deal with this is third party for everything – clear, firm, tight boundaries – it does mean letting go of what happens in his house, in a co parenting arrangement, but, if you ever feel uncomfortable about what is going on then you can act. If your child ever says he doesnt want to go then fine – order or not – but you will need to evidence this.

      He’s trying to scare you threatening court again; don’t let him, always do what is best for your child, which it sounds like you have – then he’s got nothing has he. To some degree you’re allowing him in and letting him give you the runaround. I say this as I have been here myself, felt fearful of not keeping him happy, felt I need to be mindful what is best for my child and his PR, I dont do this now, I comply ‘adaquately’ only now with his PR, there is a difference, nowadays I leave him to get on with it, focus on what is right for my child, which for a long time I felt was helping her with the difficulties she experiences with dad and supporting this relationship, helping her to maintain it. If I had my time again, I’d be supporting her differntly, I’d be helping her to find her voice more and be guided completely by her, before when she said she didnt want to go I’d try and chivvy her along, went through a period of holding her while she was there by saying if you want to come home I’ll fetch you, thinking now this left her feeling unsupported, can see how in the eyes of the law they see this as me supporting the relationship now, so he had nothing there, but I do feel I left my child down here – she learnt that she needs to tolerate it, put up with him, find ways to lie low or work with it.

      I dont have direct comms with him now and have noticed more recently that he will carry on regardless of what I do, so I may as well stick with what we’re doing, what works for us. My child is alot older though, but I wish I had put him out completely years ago now, you try to maintain cntact for the child thinking this is right and best, only it isnt, what is best for the child is that you remove yourself completely from the arrangement so he cant manipulate you through the child and the child becomes collatral damage. Like you say, he has no arguement here, court has ruled and that’s it. Regardless of what he says, you workout what this means and stick with it.

      Rights for women could help with the contact issues and family law x

    • #94049
      Courage157
      Participant

      I can’t thank you enough ladies…It gets to the point where you sit there and think of ways anyone can help you and wish that someone would just say “that’s enough now leave her alone!” I have tried my best, as Fizzeylem said, it’s like you feel obliged to send your child for fear of the courts etc. I’ve been through those stages where my child couldn’t speak yet and was crying, running to me clinging on not to go to his dads and I had to act like nothing was wrong and hand my child over crying, why? Because otherwise they would say I’m ailienating our child etc etc. Oh – byw he already tried that line on me also and they found no evidence I was doing and alienating, in fact, ex was told if our child didn’t wNt to see him and it would evidently be because of him and his actions and not me..

      (detail removed by moderator) Now a final order is in place, he couldn’t even wAit a year to create more trouble.

      All I want now is for the courts to see this behaviour, to stop him now. I don’t want to stop contact, but I can’t give anymore as it will affect our child, given he is now in school. I wish they would look at his mental health (forgot to say he tried to say I was mad also – which I’m not judge ruled it out).

      (detail removed by moderator). As above, my case was never looked into properly, was as you say “he said she said) I have extensive evidence from the past, I kept everything, from financial to a diary of what happened, even a recording of the day he locked us in the house. (detail removed by moderator)…. it’s not fair and no one should suffer on a day to day basis with a half hearted smile or in fear. These men, powerful or not should not be given airtime. Because mine “admitted he kicked us in and admitted he took csnnabis-but said he didn’t mean it and that he’s given up drugs” they believed him. It should not be allowed because most of us are going through hell and what for? Because of a few women/men who deliberately break the law – and then the same template they are on, we are looked at the same way too… (detail removed by moderator), are crying out for help and sometimes can’t vocalise the ways which they hurt us and just want you to see it, we want you to save us… x

    • #94072
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Can totally relate Courage157. I am still trying to find a way to minimise distress to children and myself, keep contact to minimum etc despite court order in place. Make sure you are in touch with WA for support, speak to a good solicitor for advice if you can. Keep posting on here. So sorry to hear you are struggling but there is support out there x

    • #94073
      KIP.
      Participant

      You can’t wait for the court to save you. Take control yourself and build a strong support network. From support from WA to family, friends, police, solicitor, victim support, GP. Come off all social media. Report every incident. Change your email and telephone number. Take back control.

    • #94113
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi courage157, my heart goes out to you. He’s got you going around in circles in your head hasn’t he. These men are master manipulators. I’d take a huge step back from all of his bs. Look at the facts as given by the courts and don’t listen to anything he says. If he wants to go back to court let him.so long as you are sticking to the agreed conditions he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. All he’s doing is giving you ammunition against him with the excessive contact via emails and texts, this will be seen as harassment. Is it possible for you to ask him to stop harassing you, warn him you’ll get the police involved, legally you have to ask him twice to ceart and desist contracting you unnecessarily. Don’t get into any replies with him as this will be seen in the eyes of the law as mutual contact. Unless there is a change to the contact with your child(ren)there will be no need for him or you to contact the other. The police will see this as coercive and manipulative behaviour.
      Take heart, you can get him out of your head.
      IWMB 💞💞

    • #94165
      Courage157
      Participant

      You guys are so very right… Iwantmeback – that’s exactly what I feel like I’ve been doing these past years. I was tip toeing round him back then, still am in a way, I panic at the slightest, like I feel obliged to still do things for him. School photo email comes out from the school, I order him one (he sees the schools emails as he is on the mailing list – he wanted it). School trips happen, he questions me if our child is going. It’s like I’m not with him, but he still interferes with day to day life too. (detail removed by moderator)

      I find it hard to explain everything like lawyers do, I walk into court alone, I’m used to it now but he goes in (detail removed by moderator) They don’t listen to us in the beginning, because we don’t leave these men for nothing, we left for a reason, and because we can’t lie, vocalise things without waffling for days, (detail removed by moderator). It’s been a struggle, today has been a good day though…for a few hours I managed not to think of this whole thing… I hate how he has taken over my life. I know he hates the fact I’m alive, I’m breathing and he won’t stop until I’m out the picture and he has our child to raise like him.

      There are no replies with him now…his solicitors are involved. I just wish in family law cases they actually stopped these men from using their power to attack us. There should be a law against things like this happening in family law cases. (detail removed by moderator)

      Right now, I’m listening to you all. The bending over backwards, communicating with him, making life easy for him, basically being a pa to him for the sake of our child has stopped. He has taken advantage of my kind nature. Before I made sure (and please don’t judge me-it was the only way, a silly way, that I could move on to make my soul rest) that I communicated like he was a friend. I brushed aside what he did to me and used to make a conversation regarding our child to him. But it’s all for show for him, never be fooled by men like him..
      thank you all for emailing me back. I need this support xx

    • #94448
      Courage157
      Participant

      I just tried to get advice from just answer and the solicitor was horrible.. in short she didn’t listen to a word I said and basically said if it relates to child contact, it’s not seen as coercive control! I’m choosing to ignore this because it is affecting me a lot and these continuous little attacks he does, under the radar, being manipulating and twisting things on me is affecting me and also my families now because they are seeing me upset and feeling so powerless (Detail removed by moderator) All I want to know is how do I let the courts know what he is doing, how ive followed it and how he is making me look like I’m in the wrong by harassing me into accepting what he believes is correct. I feel so down, I feel like no one can help, I feel like lawyers are just as bad and are only out to make money and destroy innocent lives in the process… I got the whole FATHERS RIGHTS thrown in my face on that just answer topic, and I had to say it’s not all about their rights, it’s also about mothers rights, those mothers who have done nothing wrong and who are continuously living a life of nerves and fear and no one seems to care…

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