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Hi everyone.
I’m fairly new here and am at the start of what I call the “realisation process” but my mind keeps fighting me. What I mean by this is; he was abusive- but he always said he was sorry and it’s all his fault.
He called me horrible names – but he told me he was sorry and that I didn’t understand what he was going through.
He threatened to crash the car- but he was angry at his ex for reporting him to the police so this is understandable.
He told me he is in love with me and he’s trying so hard to be a better person- I just need to understand him more.
He charged at me in the kitchen clenching his fist. (Detail removed by moderator). Later followed by I’m sorry, it’s all my fault, I love you so much, your the only one who understands me.
I tell him verbally and in writing that I love him, that I should have been there for him and I’m sorry for my behaviour(my behaviour in sticking up for myself).
But, after years of abuse I did (detail removed by moderator) in pure frustration. I was crying and shaking and he held this against me. I was finally the nut job the excuse for his worsening behaviour. I paid him back money and apologised and I’m cross with myself because I’ve given him an excuse. I do one thing wrong and suddenly I’m the perpetrator. Even when he has admitted his anger towards me in writing he wrote so beautifully like he was some injured baby bird I felt sorry for him.
The abuse eventually became normal, part of my life but with good bits in between. But my brain tells me it wasn’t all that bad, he said he was sorry. He had a terrible time with his ex, he now had a criminal record. He said a previous girlfriend abused him. He said he had PTSD ( but I never saw a psychology report for this).
So, does this excuse his behaviour.? Would the police excuse his behaviour? This is what I imagine people telling me if I speak my truth” well he did have a terrible time and he was stressed so his behaviour is understandable and he wasn’t as hands on with you as his ex. And you stayed with him knowing what he was like.
Why can’t I wholly see it for what it is.
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I knew when I married my ex that there was something wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it. The abuse does become normal. It is necessary that it does to protect ourselves.
I have read somewhere that falling in love is a biological thing. We are also sought out by perpetrators. I thought for many years that I had become the second Mrs X, I thought of my mum, I thought I’d made the decision to marry him and I believed I had to put up and shut up.
My daughter stepped in as my ex’s proxy and attacked me. My ex’s response was bizarre. Absolutely bonkers.
Now he is out of the house life is much, much better. I think he is building up a vendetta again. I’m just not sure if it against me or someone else.
I too have been doubting myself. It’s hard when that twang of Oh he wasn’t all that bad hits. It was that bad.
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Hey TB, I get this, he’s human, I can be sensitive – then I experience him again as being utterly vile and horrid to deal with; his rage is something else – he thinks the world revolves around him and therefore everything I do is in relation to him – crazy. His thoughts are delusional, sick, warped. This has happened so many times now I know this is who he his, cold, callous, controlling, manipulative, oh the list, I could go on and on…
Try reading your post back, but instead replace you with someone else, a friend, your sister, or anyone really; if this was someone telling you what had happened to them would you be able to spot it as abuse? I think so.
Also, maybe have a think about what is a healthy relationship? And then how this differs to the one with your ex. What didnt you get, what you got instead.
For me it helped a great deal when I removed the love filter, what I mean is I wanted to believe he loved me, it was love, it was really hard to let this go, and took a long time, but once I realised it was not love – I was left with the reality, which was, I tried my best to give him love, but he was not available to recieve this. I think it’s highly likely that this man can not be loved nor can he give it freely.
This man used me purely for what he could take from me, to survive. Something inside just didn’t want to confront this, believing it was love was important to me and needed for some time, but the reality has proved not as bad as I feared it might be, it’s actually been more like a much needed friend to me x*x
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I think if this is love what’s hate?
Admitting and accepting responsibility are great traits, but continually repeating bad things, saying sorry and then repeating,that’s abuse. We are taught as young children that if you own up to something you’ve done that was bad or wrong then you should forgive that person. What we’re not taught is if someone does bad things over and over and over, you dont keep forgiving them. He’s used excuse after excuse for his behaviour, bad behaviour does not cause abuse,but abuse causes bad behaviour.
You’ll never be able to understand this man enough, he’ll keep changing the goal posts then acuse you of not understanding him enough. Sounds crazy doesn’t it.
Take care and keep posting.
IWMB 💕💕 -
fizzylem : you took the words right out of my mouth but i could not articulate it. i must continue to apply your advice, read back and pretend it was someone else then ask myself- is this abuse?
iwantmeback: agree, i always thought that if someone said they were trying and apologised it meant they had some insight into their behaviour. but now i see sone people use this as a tatic.
maddog: glad life feels better for you.
the nest form of apology is changed behaviour.
thank you all lovely beautiful ladies
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My ex did this – I cant help it ,I cant control myself its because I get jealous, I don’t know why im behaving myself.
yes you do!!
Once we were split (I was reminded of this in conversation) he had gone to the movies with my eldest daughter to see Irving Welsh’s film filth. She had relayed back to me god that character reminded me of my self. The film was about a manipulative psychopath, sexually exploitative man! imagine saying that to your teenage daughter? it goes to show how delusional and of the scale these men actually are. They are in their own distorted reality! xx diy mum
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that dosent make much sense – what he is essentially admitting is that he is Machiavellian which is defined as it is necessary to maintain power.
In modern psychology, Machiavellianism is also the name of a personality trait, characterized by a duplicitous interpersonal style, a cynical disregard for morality, a lack of empathy, and a focus on self-interest and personal gain
for me that was revelation that let me see a much clearer picture – never blame yourself xx
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