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    • #121572
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Been married for (detail removed by Moderator) been unhappy suffered some anxiety so ended up getting councilling from relate on my own as had never confided in anyone that for half our marriage husband regularly pressured for sex if I said no would slam the bedroom door on his way out and tell me I wasnt too tired for my hobbies or to read sometimes dreaded being on own as pressure would start or if he helped me expected sex would I tried to meet him halfway never enough would say I’m rejecting him even if I said i was just too tired he said he needed it sometimes as helped him sleep stress relief he would say sorry sometimes and say I wont get angry again he regularly tells me hes not a violent man felt anxiety sometimes at bedtime and hoped he didnt start a few times he pressured me after I said no clearly until I ended up giving in as didnt want a bad atmosphere ..I made things worse for myself because I recently got emotionally close to a single male I have known for years not sexual after asking husband for separation he said he suspected I had been talking to someone else so one day followed me and saw me talking to male friend got angry with man and said leave my wife alone when we got home he demanded my phone to check for contacts and has since managed to unlock my phone and check messages online activity my we are he also threatened suicide told our grown up son he had (detail removed by Moderator) wrote his funeral plan went to doctors on antidepressants for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks came off then has hypnotherapy for his anger which he often shows not physical has said hes so sorry for how hes treated me wants to try again he went to relate on his own as my counsellor wouldn’t see him with me after I told mine what has happened over the years husband says sorry a lot but blames his actions on stress from his job and says why cant I accept that Also admits hes emotionally abused me I mentioned sexual abuse he got really angry said that my councillor put ideas in my head made me feel bad about having councilling even though he was getting councilling said we should have gone together we are still living under the same roof he is now being a better father to our grown up kids (detail removed by Moderator) at home I cannot continue in this marriage and am on a waiting list for a support worker to help me get back on my feet my councillor suggested this I cannot believe I’m in this situation husband kind in other ways but been I feel guilty sometimes for facing up to my unhappiness was it really that bad ? Feel so sad and depressed and our kids not happy with me

    • #121637
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Jedi warrior,

      Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the Forum a supportive place with others who understand how you are feeling and the abuse you are experiencing. It is great you have already reached out for a Support Worker and counsellor. Hopefully the waiting list for a Support Worker won’t be too long.

      If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

      Please do keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #124330
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Struggling with the word abuse ..I realise that coercive behaviour has been a major factor in the breakdown of my marriage .husband mentioned that I’m on whatsapp certain time every day so I’m now limiting how much I use it ..so after weeks of him saying hes leaving (detail removed by Moderator) our dog has a tumor removed (detail removed by Moderator) husband says after telling me he does not want or love me anymore ..to be fair he knows I dont want him anymore although I do care for his feelings ..he goes to (detail removed by Moderator) for (detail removed by Moderator) nights then comes to pick our son up sees dog and that I am struggling offers to stay for dog I feel so week and tired I let him over (detail removed by Moderator) hes still here being civil and helpfull he says he knows I want to move on with my life I’m unable to leave myself and solicitor told me not to as due to covid no income until after (detail removed by Moderator) but would be easier to leave and I feel so guilty for potentially getting husband to leave ..i feel so dependent on him in many ways but so much has happened and been said and taken me years to face up to my unhappiness I cant go back now my so and daughter have Also put so much pressure on me to stay ..and I have always put there needs first my husband has told them I think hes been abusive ..they think I have overreacted and pointed out my faults which makes me doubt myself ..feels like I’m going mad ..

    • #124362
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Jedi warrior

      Thanks for posting again. Your husband is controlling, emotionally abusive and sexually abusive to you. You have not overreacted and you have done nothing wrong, it’s not ok for him to treat you like this. You have the right to be happy and put yourself first after putting your family first for so long.

      Your safety is so important and you do have options, you could consider a refuge https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/what-is-a-refuge-and-how-can-i-stay-in-one/ or maybe look into further legal advice from Rights of Women. Please have a chat with a support worker and you can go into more detail and explore your options further.

      Take care and keep posting,

      Lisa

    • #124369
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Jedi Warrior,

      You are not over reacting. This is abuse and he is using your children as enablers to help perpetrate that abuse.

      If your children say he’s not that bad, it is OK to let them know that there has been alot going on that they don’t know about. You don’t have to tell them all the gory details but they shouldn’t really be getting involved especially when they don’t have all the facts and they do need to know that.

      Non of us are perfect, we all have faults but that doesn’t mean that we deserve to be abused. I suspect he has been working on your children, priming them to fight for him.

      I did caution my kids about this and asked them to be aware. I just told them that I had been told that their Dad would try to turn them against me and if their Dad said anything to them about our relationship then please question themselves about why he might be telling them that? What is his motivation?

      I never had to say anything more after that. I answered questions when they asked and that was it.

      You do sound very confused at the moment. That is by design and it is clear evidence if abuse. Please read up on FOG of abuse.

      There are also a couple of really good books that will help to clarify. I read “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven and it really clarified things for me. It left me in no doubt that I was being abused. “Why does he do that” by Lundie Bancroft is also regularly recommended.

      You are not mad, this is abuse.

    • #124414
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Thank you lisa and eggshells for your support I have and am very confused by my husbands behaviour I have become so used to him after a long marriage ..it is so hard to accept that for years that I put up with his unreasonable behavior just to keep our family together ..I’m sure many women on here find it hard to accept its abuse they have experienced ..you’re right eggshells my husband has improved his relationship with our grown up son and daughter and learns on son s lot now they do know quite a lot but not all ..but seem to think of themselves and how our marriage breakup is affecting them so that’s why I have not had much understanding from them ..I understand their hurt but know I must try and be a bit selfish and try and build a new life for myself before I have a total breakdown ..I phoned my local womens support group where I have been on a waiting list and now have a support worker to help me make a plan ..all the best eggshells for the future

    • #125132
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      So built up courage to say I would like a divorce ..husband gone to his mums ..our grown up daughter not speaking to me and says its wrong that he’s had to go ..I would rather had gone if I could have ..and that he’s told her I think he’s been abusive .for a while now he’s told me that he didn’t want or love me anyway and that I have destroyed him as a man with me saying I think he’s been abusive .
      Especially sexually .(SAID BY ME IN A HEATED ARGUMENT )he does have low self esteem I feel terribly guilty for that eats me up ..he’s now sent me a message saying it’s not a guilt trip but his life without me is not worth much and he would have me back in a heartbeat ..cried in front of our daughter and says how much he misses home and pets ..which is understandable I won’t have him back now I’ve come this far ..I have a lovely support worker now who is giving me strength as my daughter can be like her father ..I feel sorry for husband after so long together was very dependent on him ..and I know that he is hurting bad can see it in his face ..as let him take one of the pets out ..why do we feel so guilty for ending something that for years made us unhappy 😔 things have only become abusive since I asked for separation ..tech abuse following me ..asking our son where I am husband justifies this with him not trusting me anymore abneverless the years of him controlling our sex life I guess flowed over into new control 🤔

    • #125166
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Realised in my post I’m still making excuses for my husbands behaviour .
      Something my mum says I’ve always done ..what I should have said is abuse has escalated since being separated months now ..lightbulb moment thus morning read some of fog of abuse all these have applied ..push ..pull..objectification..threats ..thought policing ..stalking ..silent treatment..alienation ..hoovering ..intimidation verbally ..proxy recruitment ..ranking and comparing ..gaslighting ..an unhealthy level of dependence on me to make husband feel happy ..wow 😒even though a lot of this has happened since separation not a healthy way to make me stay with him ..

    • #125225
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Jedi warrior,

      Thank you for coming back to update us. Well done for ending your relationship, it must have taken such courage. I am so pleased to hear you have a Support Worker who is with you every step of the way. It is an exhausting emotional rollercoaster dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Lean on all of the support available and give yourself time.

      Keep posting to us when you can.

      Take care,

      Lisa

    • #125315
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Really struggling after getting stronger ..husband had a b**w up towards grown up daughter saying how bad he was feeling about his situation (detail removed by moderator) ..so she phones me and says its all my fault (detail removed by moderator)..then our grown up son tells me that his dad explained an (detail removed by moderator) incident that happened between us once which he minimised how things had happened..which resulted in me (detail removed by moderator) ..I’m mortified he could stoop so low and makes me feel ill ..also husband shared messages on my phone to our daughter which she shared (detail removed by moderator)  .husband is still being controlling even after being apart now don’t think he can and will let go ..

    • #125316
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s time to go absolutely zero contact with him. And tell your children that you don’t wish to hear anything about his behaviour. They’re both adults now and are getting a taste of what your life has been like for decades and they don’t like it. I believe my son resented me for splitting up because now he has to deal with his dad himself. I was always the buffer there. So it’s time to look after yourself and that starts with zero contact. My ex also shared extremely intimate things with our grown up son. I think it was a way of humiliating me. His behaviour will only get worse now he knows you won’t have him back. Protect yourself x

    • #125317
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Thank you for your reply kip I’m sorry you suffered abuse it does feel humiliating having your privacy so violated .yes I have always been a buffer between my daughter and husband as they didn’t always get on but now he’s suddenly improved his relationship with her and son my support worker says they are his flying monkeys now to get to me so soul destroying having them all emotionally bullying me ..they all try and control me too ..trying so hard not to let them .

    • #125323
      Livinginhope
      Participant

      Hi just to mention a book that might be really helpful… I found it very informative and also comforting… gives you things you can do to help you cope and see things with clarity. It’s Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bennett.

    • #125324
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Thank you livingin hope have ordered book you suggested

    • #125325
      beachhut
      Participant

      Hi. I hope you are feeling a little more positive today. Never be surprised how low people can stoop when their pride and behaviour has been identified, men will attack if they think that their behaviour has been exposed and try to justify it be passing the blame on to others and playing the victim. You know your truth and what you have had to put up with, it is hard to admit and look back on you life, but now try to look forward knowing you have done nothing wrong, just tried to do the best for your family. One day at a time at the moment.

      Take care of you,

    • #125329
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Hi beachhead thank you for your reply your comments sum up perfectly that husband has reacted with wounded pride for me facing up to my unhappiness for years and his unreasonable behaviour it is amazing that we put up with it for the sake of not wanting to split the family up I don’t know how I got to the point I’m at now
      surreal feeling ..yes one day at a time from now on ..

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