Common ways to lure you back

[ISOPeace]

Hi everyone, I’ve read a lot about people leaving but being manipulated into coming back. I’m planning to leave soon and really want it to be for good. What are the common ways people get lured back? I’m hoping of I’m ready for them it won’t be so easy for him to manipulate me. Thank you xxxxx

[gettingtired]

Hey ISOPeace, just thought I’d start off the replies although I haven’t actually left yet either. It’s great you’re getting yourself prepared though. From what I’ve read on the forum and in books I think they usually try all different tactics. Threats of suicide, promises to change, to attend therapy, AA/NA, rehab, love bombing, trying to get third parties involved, possibly stalking. I know for certain I’d have to expect most of that from mine when I leave which is partly why I want to ensure I’m ‘really ready’ to leave as I do not want to be hoovered back in once I go.
They know us incredibly well so I’d personally expect everything that he knows he can manipulate or guilt trip you with. I think this is where the journal comes in very handy to keep things in perspective and remember that it’s all an act to hoover us back in. I mean in reality, if they wanted to change they would have done it during the relationship when they knew we were unhappy so to me that’s a huge signal they don’t really intend to change. I’m sure it’s incredibly difficult hearing all the promises of change when they do go (as that’s what we wanted all along) and why so many women do return multiple times. Keep posting on the forum and I’m sure everyone will support you. I sometimes read back on my previous posts on here and read the other ladies replies again to remind myself. Xx

[Walkingonsunshine]

Hi ISOPeace, well done on making that brave decision.

After I left there have been many times he’s tried to lure me back, and I was tempted to fall for it, but in the end his behaviour actually secured my decision. He was so ‘textbook’ like gettingtired mentioned there’s the suicide threat/love bombing/the “I’ll get help” his behaviour became so irrational that it actually game me clarity that he was abusive and I hadn’t imagined it all or over reacted. I also had support from family and friends who encouraged me in my ‘wobbly moments’ and reminded me of this and that. Read as many books as you can to educate yourself on their behaviours. Writing a journal of things to look back on of what he’s done to remind yourself of the reasons you left, and also this page. I found reading and connecting with other women on here helped to jog my memory of things I’d forgotten or how I’d felt.

I found my brain played tricks on me in the early months of leaving and seemed to remind me of all the better times, and I craved and wanted those back, which is so hard when the love bombing starts but try stay strong and go no contact if it’s possible. Good luck 🍀

[Trueblue]

Hey ISO Peace, not sure if you read my last post, but ive had the shouting and aggression and smear campaign threat, then to serious suicide threat then i stupidly got lured back in as i was frightened he was going to do something stupid and now we are on extreme love bombing! I am so confused by ultimately feel sick to my stomach as he changed from one thing to next like you said walking on sunshine.

I hope this helps. I am just stringing this out but i have no where to go and he wont leave. Be careful as they can turn violent it is very dangerous at this stage. I made mistake of trying to talk to him like normal person and he just manipulates through acting nice as im susceptible to that sort of behaviour.

Keep in touch, we can do it xx

[KIP.]

They will try anything. Things you couldn’t even imagine. The way to deal with things post separation is absolutely zero contact. It takes time to completely break that trauma bond and you will be extremely vulnerable to him for a long time, remember he knows you best. So third party for absolutely everything. Legal, family, etc. Setting boundaries and absolutely sticking to them because he may use family members and friends to try to break your resolve. If you have time to plan your escape then take time to plan boundaries too.

[gettingtired]

With regards to no contact, would you say you need to not block him for proof of harassing text messages/phone calls? Just wondering as surely if it got that bad you’d need to contact the police but they’d need to see evidence.

[KIP.]

When you have left he gets a message that says due to your history of abuse do not contact me directly or I will report you to the police. (Keep a copy of this message) All communication will be handled through Joe Bloggs who’s number is….. and email is……my solicitors details are…….
Then change your phone number.
You don’t want to get to the point where you are harassed. It’s frightening. If you can leave safely and without harrassment then that’s your goal. No point in having to suffer his wrath and abuse if you can avoid it. If you’ve taken these measure and he continues to contact you then involve the police right away.

[gettingtired]

What if you don’t have a third party for him to go through? I’ve only really got family and I think they’re too ‘involved’ and could be manipulated by him (they already have as he’s told one of them I’m always angry and that he doesn’t understand why so they were saying they wanted to work out why I’m angry and said he can always speak to them. Being supportive to him. They have no idea what he’s like.
I did think my Dad as he’s incredibly stony/cold/rude who doesn’t suffer fools but I don’t really want him and his wife involved as she just judges me and he’ll probably victim blame.
I dont have a solicitor as we aren’t married/children/mortgage.
Sorry for hijacking this post.

[KIP.]

Hopefully you won’t need a third party because he will have absolutely no reason to contact you if there are no children or mortgages to sort out etc. If you can cut all the ties before you go that’s great.

[Hetty]

It’s wise to think through these things and have strategies and knowledge to protect yourself.
I had the begging and pleading and messages saying how scared and worried he was. I didnt respond to any of that and just kept reminding myself of all the times I felt scared and worried and how he was the cause and didn’t care how or what I was feeling.
I had the promises of change and getting help. My ex had been through counselling and it didn’t help. He never changed in all the years we were together so I just kept reminding myself that this time was no different. They don’t change.
Keep to zero/minimal contact. I haven’t had any contact with my ex.
Threats I’ll get nothing. I honestly got to the point that I didn’t care if all I had were the clothes on my back. Mine and my child’s welfare is more important than any material possessions and I got to the point where I was going to become seriously unwell if I stayed any longer.
Every time I felt a wobble I occupied myself. Done a job in the house, went for a walk, watched a YouTube video about domestic abuse. This helped keep me grounded in reality.
Stay strong and keep posting. You’re not alone x*x

[Trueblue]

This is great advice for me too, thank you. He really says he has changed…in a few days! I am such a sucker but not this time xx

[Hetty]

Yes my ex messaged when I first left saying how he had changed, this time he’d woken up. Thing is I have the same messages from years ago when I threatened to leave. They don’t change. They are still the vile men they always were. Sometimes they change tactics. So in that sense they do change but remain an abuser. Once you get your head around the fact that they won’t change it’s easier to leave. Don’t think they’ll change for another woman either. My ex bullied his former partners and probably worse but I have no evidence. Only snippets of things I’ve heard. He was already hooking me in when his ex was busy leaving him. Also I realised I was barking up the wrong tree as I have my ex excuses – thinking rage was triggered by an awful childhood and anxiety. WRONG! He is an abuser. Those things don’t cause abuse. So when he said he’d go to the gp etc I knew it wouldn’t make any difference anyway. Medication won’t cure his feelings of his grandiosity. In many cases regular counselling does nothing but boost and stroke their egos. All pointless. Just focus on saving yourself x*x

[Cantmakedecisons]

I’ve just been reading through this post and unfortunately everyone is right, he will try absolutely everything. As KIP said they will not stop at anything and there will be no boundaries..

Not everyone experiences the extreme but your right to be prepared and be forewarned. He may be ‘extra’ nice to make you believe your doing the wrong thing – better known as love bombing, once he realises that isn’t working he may move on to more manipulative measures. Be ready to feel everything under the sun BUT you have to be true to your decisions and remember why your doing and for what reason.

I’m still in the midst of this and think I’ve have had every possible reaction and attempt from loving messages, hate messages, threats, violent attacks. When he realised I’m not giving in, he resorts to scaring me to stay – extreme acts of hideousness forcing my mental health into a state of unbalance. He’s made me question even my own existence..

I’m not telling you this to put you off I’m arming you with what possibly could happen, so your ready!

I hope and pray that none of this happens and you can eventually be free. X

[ISOPeace]

Thanks for all your replies. I’m so glad I found this forum! It’s really helpful to hear what you’ve said. I’m hoping when it happens I can look back at this and remember it’s all more abuse and whatever he does isn’t as bad as still living with him.

My gut says he’ll use lots of threats, especially to do with him getting full care of the kids, anything he can think of to trigger my anxiety and threats about throwing my stuff out.

Yes he’ll go nuts but yes I’ll be ok. Xxxx

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