30th January 2019 at 8:59 pm #71622
I divorced my abusive husband after a long marriage and am now on my own; I’m over 50. I know he has married yet again and I’m concerned that he will start being abusive to his new wife at some point, though I’m sure things are still in the honeymoon phase – for the time being. I know I can’t get involved personally, but I would like to ask two questions:
1. Is there any way of bringing to light his treatment of me, given the recent laws surrounding domestic abuse? (I’m well aware that emotional and financial abuse are very difficult to prove.)
2. Is there any way his new wife can be contacted anonymously to make her aware of behaviours to look out for? (This is her first marriage.)
Thankfully, I consider myself young enough to start again – which is what I’ve had to do. His first wife will have done the same, I imagine (they were married at a very young age and it lasted only a few years – I know nothing about her, only her first name, and he was already divorced when he and I met – of course, he always played the victim and blamed her for everything – why would I not believe him? He was so charming. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing.). However, his new wife is about my age and owned her own home when they met (he and I were still married at the time). I also know he has persuaded her to sell her home now they’re married and buy one together. (This is history repeating itself – he did the same to me.) The alarm bells are ringing in my head. I don’t feel I can sit back and do nothing.
Thanks for reading this – and I’d welcome any advice.
30th January 2019 at 9:27 pm #71623maddogParticipant
You can only help youself. If you haven’t reported him to the police, ask to speak to the Domestic Abuse team. Get as much help as you can for yourself through WA, your gp, police.
You can’t directly help the poor woman who falls for him. If she chooses to ask for a Clare’s Law disclosure and you have made a statement she will at least be forearmed.
I knew only from my ex’s first wife that he had a temper and sulked. I was in love with him and although he was waving red flags all over the place he wasn’t sulking for Britain and he kept his temper under control.
31st January 2019 at 8:57 am #71630IwantmebackParticipant
Hi there, you could fill out a form online through the police force of your country, e.g. police Scotland. It is then another physical piece of information regarding your ex husbsnd and if at any future point his new wife needs affirmation,it’s there. Trying to tell someone, as we all know, that their partner is this monster, will just fall on deaf ears.
I hope you are at peace now from him. 💜
31st January 2019 at 9:44 am #71633
Thank you, maddog and IWMB, for your advice. Each day that passes gives me more and more peace from him. I’ll be moving house soon and have taken steps to ensure he will never know where I am. I doubt he’ll ever try to find me (he never went looking for his first wife) but I’m not taking any chances.
31st January 2019 at 11:21 am #71637KIP.Participant
You can ask the police to do a welfare check on her. I think it comes under Claire’s law when you disclose an abusive past relationship and they can let the new partner know but you remain annonymous. Speak to the domestic abuse police. If you haven’t already then get his abuse on the record by making a statement to the police. Your statement may back up another woman should she choose to report him. It builds a case. Abusers don’t change, they only change victims x
31st January 2019 at 11:05 pm #71694White RoseParticipant
Years ago if someone like you had contacted me as my ex’s first wife I would have said it was sour grapes, he’s not like that, you’re making it up. Years later abused and scared I’d have wished you had.
I met my ex’s first wife when one of his childrem was ill. She looked at me an odd way – not hatred as I expected but just odd. I wonder now if it was that she wanted to tell me and couldn’t?
KIP is right logging it with police, I’m not sure there is any more you can do. Don’t beat yourself up about it though xx
1st February 2019 at 5:01 pm #71725
Thank you, KIP and White Rose. I will log the abusive behaviour with the police.
In the meantime, I’ve just started the Freedom online course. Recognise so many of the behaviours – hindsight is a wonderful thing.
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