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For the past few months I’ve been seeing someone, and whilst this has been challenging given the past, I thought I could work through my issues and be in a healthy relationship. It’s not even been that long though and I have more or less broken things off, mostly because of how things have gone in regards to sex.
I made it clear to him from the start that he would need to wear a condom as I’m not comfortable taking hormonal contraception. The first time it happened though, he proceeded to go in without wearing one, and in the moment I said to him “what are you doing?” I was taken aback and a bit freaked out, and I don’t know why but I went along with it. He didn’t give me much time to “warm up” either and it hurt, but all he had to say about that was that it had “been a while”.
Following that I spoke to him about wearing a condom and he told me he understood and didn’t mind, and certainly didn’t want any accidents. But the next time he tried to avoid putting one on, but I insisted. There was another time it came off and he went ahead without one, and every other tome I have urged him to put one on. Even after asking (again) he asked whether he could go ahead just for a moment, but I felt that if I allowed that to happen he would carry on like that.
Basically I am at the point where I feel this boundary, which is very important to me, has been eroded. I was so freaked out one time that I was reading about how I’d go to get an abortion should it have come to that.
I have been avoiding going over to his house because I end up worrying in advance that I’ll need to have sex with him – he has stated a couple of times that sex is important to him, that he has a high libido and feels it should be happening once or twice a fortnight. So I’m worrying and worrying, will it be tonight because it’s coming up to a fortnight etc. One night I refused and he sulked the rest of the night, and the following morning he wouldn’t speak to me or even look at me.
I’m feeling way too defensive now to want to carry this on. As I haven’t seen him in a couple of weeks I have been giving more thought to why I’ve been avoidant and honestly I think the sex issue has a lot to do with it. He has also pestered me in the past to send him nude pictures but that wasn’t happening.
I very nearly broke it off early on when I discovered he had dated a (detail removed by Moderator) year old girl wen he was (detail removed by Moderator). Didn’t sit right with me.
I feel guilty and stupid because he has been kind to me in other ways. He pays for a lot and has bought me several gifts, and whilst it is kind it also makes me uncomfortable because then I feel obligated to be nice to him in return (like if he expects sex).
Am I blowing this out of proportion? Is this a valid reason to end it? I don’t know why I feel so guilty and bad about it.
Maybe I just should stay away from men for a good long while. Nothing good seems to come out of my attempts at a relationship. At this point I’d rather be by myself anyway.
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Hi P, it is great that you are questioning and reaching out.
He has not respected your wishes and needs which is sexually abusive behaviour. He has put you at risk of pregnancy and STI’s. He has given you the silent treatment which is horrible and is emotional abuse. Unfortunately it just gets worse as everyone here will tell you from experience .
Listen to your intincts and how some things don’t feel right. If you look up ‘ Living with the dominator ‘ it explains things well. Take care if he thinks you are onto him he might try and lovebomb and trick you or he could get nasty. All the best x -
Also please don’t feel guilty about the gifts. You owe him nothing at all. He has treated you very poorly. It is second nature for abusers to use fear guilt and obligation to hook us in and then we start minimising. You are lucky to see the signs now. X
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Thank you Apricotpoppy – yes, that is my worry. He knows that pregnancy is not for me and he tells me he feels the same way, yet if that is the case, why take such a risk? I have been feeling so stupid and irresponsible as I feel I have allowed my boundaries to be compromised. I am considering going to the GP for a test as I strongly believe he has had unprotected sex with all his previous partners. Thank you x
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That’s awful! You are absolutely not blowing it out of proportion. He hasn’t respected an important boundary and has put your health at risk for his pleasure. That is absolutely not ok.
We get so used to thinking contraception is our problem with abusers. But a good man will take as much of the responsibility as he can from you. I have been going through hell with contraceptives recently. My current partner (non abusive) has been taking pretty much 100% responsibility for contraception since then. I can’t imagine trusting my abuser to do that. And now I am out of the situation it seems insane. Why was I willing to sleep with a man who I didn’t trust to have safe sex? It’s a massive red flag.
Well done for spotting it. Get the hell out of there.
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Thanks for your response Tiffany. It still amazes me that a lot of these things occur in retrospect, like when you questioned why you were willing to sleep with someone who disregarded your safety. I am asking myself the same thing. I think it makes it harder to address if they’ve been nice to you in other ways and shown kindness. Even after experiencing this kind of relationship dynamic before, it still seems so hard to reconcile seemingly good characteristics with toxic/abusive actions.
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Hello,
Very good that you take off from him and started to make acknowledged what is going out. Clearly you are not happy, clearly you are feel pushed and clearly there is a coercion.
Have been to similar relationship – where it worked this way – sexually abuse me, then cover it up with gifts and pretending extra nice.
The words – he has high libido, he has his needs, it has been so long, expectations that sex should happen at least certain amount in the week – it is all coercion and pressure on you.
Taking off the condom – this is sexual abuse. Personally in my eyes it is a rape, you are forced to take the risk of your own health. You are very very clearly expressed that you do not want this happened. Secretly taking the condom – it was done intentionally, he clearly states with this action, no matter what – I will get what I want and I do not care about you at all. This man takes the power from you and it is not good. This is only the beginning and do not ignore your feelings and brush this behaviour under the carpet. Better to deal with the a such beast sooner than later. You are not obliged to sleep with him, even if he gets you a gift. It is his choice to give a gift and you choice must be – to choose you! and yours well being!
Even if you wish some help financially from a man, look for the safe one. There could be someone respectful, be nice to you, but will not put you under such distress and upset emotions like this one.
Be simple in decisions – you do not want to see him anymore, you have TOTAL RIGHT, to change the number or block him, without any explanation.-
Hi fridges – I agree, it does feel like coercion when it seems he repeatedly disregards what I’ve said. It is a mixture of feeling frustrated and hopeless when he says he understands, and then acts in the opposite manner. I think you are right about the pressure, as I have been feeling under pressure, like having anxiety about going over to see him and worrying whether he will be expecting sex. Thank you for your insight.
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Hi p, I’m reading a book regarding boundaries jyst now. This is a massive boundary fir many women so no you’re not blowing it up out of proportion. He’s ignoring your needs absolutely. This is sexual abuse. He’s sulking and not speaking, this is emotional abuse, stonewalling. You were right not to send him pictures, anything that you dont feel comfortable doing is one of your boundaries, don’t compromise for anyone else. Your feelings are important, you are important. WA advise waiting 2years begire getting into another relationship. Looks like you’ve made a lucky escape.
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Hi Iwantmeback, can I ask what the book is? As I may look this up. It saddens me that so many women face this issue. I must say that strangely enough, the sulking and silent treatment disturb me more than the disregard of using protection when I have asked time and again to use it. It is disturbing because I feel like it freezes me out, and makes me feel like I have done something really wrong. It is weird how silence like that can get into your head.
This would have been the beginning of another relationship after the recommended two year wait. It is likely just a guideline though, I have probably rushed into something without being critical enough and attracted some of the same dynamics as before.
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My ex made absolutely sure that condoms would fail. It is nothing short of abuse. It was horrible. Please don’t let anyone treat you like this. You are not consentibg to sex without a condom. Sex without consent…Him removing your choices…. You not beibg ready… It’s all so wrong on so many levels. His behaviour is criminal.
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I agree with Maddog, the fact that he doesn’t use condoms would be a deal breaker for me. One time is enough. No thank you. Imagine you fall pregnant with such a guy.
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Hi HopeLifeJoy, yes, I was really fretting about this the second time it happened. Even though I don’t want to be pregnant, I also don’t want to have to deal with the process of ending a pregnancy. It’s funny because he says that less sex or lack of sex is a “deal breaker” to him and I feel he expects me to measure up to this, yet doesn’t seem to try meeting my own expectations. I have only really thought about this now.
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