Conflicted. I can’t tell anymore

[Cinnamon]

I really want to talk to someone about the problems I’m having with my marriage but I have been estranged from my family from my mid (detail removed by Moderator) (I’m in my (detail removed by Moderator) now) and have few close friends that I’d be comfortable talking to.

My husband is a very angry and often depressed man. We have a lovely (detail removed by Moderator) old daughter together and whilst he does try a lot of the time and does have a loving and caring side to him, more often than not he is in a bad mood which permeates absolutely everything.

I don’t really know where to start. Weve been together (detail removed by Moderator) years and married for almost (detail removed by Moderator). He has always had a morose side but I wasn’t fully aware of his anger until we were living together.

If he doesn’t get enough sleep or if something doesn’tgo his way, he rages, says extreme things about wishing he was dead and life being a string of things he doesn’t want to do. Sometimes he will throw things or punch things, other times he breaks his own stuff or will hit himself in the head.

He is very defensive and hyper sensitive to any criticism. I try my best not to offend him in any way because it can sometimes result in a horrible argument. When we do fight which I try as much as I can to avoid in front of our daughter, he is verbally abusive and will call me a c*** or suggest that I’m crazy or that I need him because I’m vulnerable etc.

(detail removed by Moderator) he pulled me to the floor when I was in the middle of changing our daughter. It didn’t hurt as I was kneeling on the floor at the time anyway, but I was devastated that she should be there when it happened.

In the past he has put his hands around my neck in anger but without squeezing. But these physical incidents can be months apart.
The rest of the time it’s just his awful mood.

He can be quite spiteful and even hateful about people he’s never even met, just based on their appearance or his perception of someone. He has one old friend from school but they rarely communicate.

On the flip side of this he can be a very engaged dad and is also supportive to me at times, pays me compliments etc and does have a nicer side when his mood isn’t in control. He spends much of his spare time staring at his phone or doing things with his consoles or PC. His conversations are always about his interests and I’ve sort of lost the ability to speak to him anymore because the things I like don’t interest him.

I feel conflicted because he does have some worrying traits but doesn’t completely fit the profile of what I think of as DA. I am even considering talking to his mum who has no idea that our relationship is like rhis, but I’m worried it’s a bad idea. I really need someone to talk to because at the minute I’m so isolated and need to keep it together as much as I can for our daughter.

I’ve tried several times to suggest that perhaps he has depression or might need to talk to someone. He does acknowledge his mood isn’t right but says I just need to be more supportive or do more. I run myself ragged cooking and cleaning and taking care or our daughter on top of my part time job and also studying. He works (detail removed by Moderator) hours a week because he csays he can’t cope with any more hours and does zero cooking and little cleaning when he’s here. I’m just exhausted and clueless as to what to do.

[Hawthorn]

Hi Cinnamon,

Welcome to the forum and well done for reaching out, you’re very brave. Of course you’re feeling conflicted, its dreadful and difficult thing to begin to see that you’re in an abusive relationship, that’s something that happens to other people. Every woman on this forum is or has been where you are now.

He is verbally, physically and emotionally abusing you. There are good times and bad times in every abusive relationship, if he was horrible all the time you would have left long ago. They condition you to put up with progressively worsening behaviour. His aim is power and control over you. Google the cycle of abuse, cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding.

I’m so sorry this happening to you, it’s not your fault and you dont deserve it. Please try to reach out to your local womens aid, they wont make you do anything but will talk things through with you. Theres a live chat option on the website too.

Good luck and keep posting, sending hugs xx

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