Confronting ex with evidence of previous abuse that he had lied about

[Alicenotichains]

Hi, i split with my second abusive partner fairly recently and despite a few attempts at him hoovering me back in I have stuck to my guns (he has tried blame, guilt, charm, pity, anger etc- anything other than him taking responsibility for what he did to me).
One thing I did discover when he was in jail was that his domestic violence history was extensive. He had told me about one incident that he was convicted for but that was a one- off apparently and he was provoked.
It transpires that it was not a one off and that he had been very violent to his ex on many occasions. The person who told me did so accidentally as she thought I knew all about it- she didn’t realise he had told me a highly edited version of his DV history. When i confronted my ex with this as he was trying to hoover me back in he said it was all lies and that he was being abused by being made out to be a monster and that he was a victim again. He just denied it all. He didn’t ask me who had told me which I thought was interesting as surely if it was a pack of lies he would want to know who had told me.

I feel like I am getting stronger. His phone number is now blocked and I have different agencies involved who are all supporting me in being and staying safe. I am going to work at healing now. I have a lot of support this time.
I re-read some of my previous posts from last year when I tried and failed to leave the relationship. I have come a long way since then- I can see it now.
I just want to say thank you to all the other survivors on this forum who have taken time to support me through the last year by responding to my rambles. My life was at risk and you have helped to set me free.

X*x

[KIP.]

Well done. Don’t forget Claire’s Law. You can ask the police to disclose the full extent of his previous offences. You might be even more shocked. At least you would know for sure.

[Alicenotichains]

I think as we have spilt up Clare’s law might no longer apply? He definitely has a conviction for one DV incident and he has a string of other violent convictions one of which is as serious as it gets but was not a DV incident and I have my own experience of violence at his hands. I know enough- I just found it interesting that he originally minimised the true extent of his DV history as he was only required to divulge his one conviction to me when we got together so I think anything that was unreported he failed to discuss with me and he minimised the One DV incident that he told me about and painted himself out to be the victim which I believed.
When I confronted him he lied. I know he was lying – I think Clare’s law would have helped me when I met him perhaps as it might have told me about the number of cautions etc he had- perhaps I would have realised he was an abuser sooner.
I mentioned Clare’s law to the police when they came recently and they didn’t seem to know what I was talking about.
I know he is dangerous- i quite trusting thought so when he denied having an extensive history of DV I was confused because I had been told differently by one of his close family members.

[KIP.]

I discovered to my horror that close family members will lie for these monsters. It shows the levels of manipulation they will resort to. That’s why I feel no contact has to include in my experience, their relations too. However sad that may be. I also came across a lack of understanding by some police. I would always insist on speaking to domestic abuse police now.

[EeyoreNoMore]

They always lie about it and minimise it and play the victim don’t they. Mine did the same. Said he ex was a crazy woman. In retrospect I wonder how she got that way…

I’m not sure Claire’s Law is all it should be. You can make a request to the police who will then talk to you, look up his file and they will decide what to disclose to you and what to keep confidential. I’ve also. Even told that the response is merely a phone call rather than a letter. This puts us both at the mercy of the perp and the police!

[Alicenotichains]

One of his family members talked to me about the abuse she had witnessed and the effect that it had had on her mistakenly thinking that he had told me all about it. She was shocked when I told her I didn’t know and that I had understood that it was a one- off DV incident. She said “but I thought you knew all this”.
I didn’t say who had told me when I eventually questioned him about it but he told me that somebody malicious was spreading lies. I didn’t want to cause problems within his family by telling him that it had been told to me by mistake as he would blame he person who told me.
He was adamant that he had not been so violent to his ex but I know he is lying. He was so easily violent to me, he had definitely done it before. He also tried to deny that he had been violent to me and if I ever tried to talk about it he would shut the conversation down Instantly. It made me wonder whether I’d imagined it- but actually I had a bruised head- I could feel where each finger had been around my neck and head for a few days after.
Also I am starting to remember other incidents- one time he accused me of cheating and was crying and then he started to hug me and got tighter and tighter and I couldn’t breathe properly. It’s all coming back to me. I really felt like I was imagining it- I couldn’t see it for what it was. I think I am starting to thaw out x

[Savingmyself]

Hiya
You should be so proud of your self
My ex used a weapon on me in front of his new girlfriend
And she took it to mean that he wished me to leave them alone as he gave her the story that I was bugging them
In fact he was still in arelationship with me and telling her a different story
Her Seeing that level of violence towards me from him she never even tried to stop him it was like her agreeing that I deserved it and he was hitting me as he now wanted her .
Even years later he still trying to get back with me and she is still with him.
It’s mind boggling
Big hugs xx

[Author]

Posts