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I don’t know what type or extent of abuse you have suffered but would always say put your safety first. If you have managed to escape the relationship then savour your freedom. I understand the desire to tell him how awful he has been, but please put your physical and emotional wellbeing at the forefront of your thoughts.
Maybe an alternative is write it all down like in letter, but put it aside and think about it rather than send it. It may make you feel better to express your feelings in writing.
Also think whether he would like the thought he had got to you, and the continued contact.
Do whatever is right for you, but ladies on this forum generally recommend zero contact as a way forward to heal from abuse. Good luck and keep safe. -
He knows he’s an abusers. He chooses to abuse you but he will never ever admit it. Your closure is zero contact. That’s your way of saying to him that you know what he is. That he isn’t worth a second glance or another breath. That’s your closure and that gives you the power back. Any contact with an abuser is toxic and they cannot stand your silence so that’s the closest thing to closure you will get. Ending an abusive relationship is like he walks out the door and dies. There isn’t the kind of closure you would get from a normal relationship x so simply tell him never to contact you again and if he does then involve the police but keep the message as proof you have told him you wish no further contact. These men do not take ending the relationship well and it’s the most dangerous time for a woman x stay safe x I also reported my ex to the police which in my own way was my kind of closure. Definitely no going back up him after that although I still believe he would have taken me back simply to abuse me again and perhaps have the satisfaction of a final discard x like many do x
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Hi there,
You will never get proper closure from an abuser, they can’t end things in a healthy way. They want to grasp as much control of you as possible – even when the relationship ends. And they want to see you struggle and suffer, it will always be a game of cat and mouse, and they will always win if you let them.
Your closure with an abuser, is to tell them not to contact you again. Block them, stay absolutely no contact. And if they contact you, phone the police.
Your closure and “revenge” on them, is to move on, live a happy and a wonderful life, and take back your control.You’ll never get answers from the abuser. I would recommend reading some books on abusers, that will give you the answers you want. The one Kip suggested is a really good one.
Also, Kip is right, he knows he abuses you. He knows exactly what he’s doing and it gives him satisfaction doing it. But as Kip said, he will never admit it. He will always turn the blame around on you.
He knows what he does, so no need to tell him. He doesn’t abuse you in front of others/in public because he knows it’s unacceptable in society, he waits till it’s in private/behind closed doors because whilst abuse is acceptable in his eyes, he knows it isn’t to the general public.If he didn’t know what he was doing, he would do it any time in front of anyone. But no, the timing is ALWAYS right/convenient for him.
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Thank you all. These help. It was emotional and verbal abuse. Gaslighting. I hope I ended it but it’s hard – a lot of lovely things came with it, I guess that’s the modus operandi… I think he is mentally ill, some kind of borderline or some twisted soul. Hence my doubts, does he know? I told him he was verbally abusing me but he blamed me for all his reactions. I don’t want him to walk free thinking that it’s all me because I left him. I’m a mess and not sure when and if I will ever recover. x
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Yes you will recover. Slowly the fog will clear and you will see just how manipulative he was. Typical abuser will never accept any accountability and always blames others. Even when my ex was faced with overwhelming evidence he still denied it. It’s so far from our behaviour it’s so hard to accept but he simply doesn’t think as you do. Don’t look to him for validation. You lived the abuse. Start a journal. I found it helped to read what he had done right from the beginning x
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Think about the possible outcomes:
1. Abuser will turn around and say you are mentally unwell / making things up / that it is all your fault. Possibly try to turn things around and say you were the abusive one and make you feel even worse.
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2. Admit some of his actions but justify that it was all your fault because you made him do it / weren’t a good enough partner / it was due to work or family issues etc.
Neither will make you feel better.
I can totally understand the need for explanation and apology, and in an ideal world you would get there. However, its not how abusers work. The closure will come from moving on with your life and making something of yourself despite the abuse. It can take a long time to get to that place though so don’t rush it if its a recent split.
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Actually both 1 and 2 have happened. It’s hard to accept that the person you love does not function the way everyone else does. It’s been two weeks since I returned his things to him. I tried to make an application to Clare’s law but they told me that I don’t qualify because I am not with him and I’ll do my best not to get back to him.
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I need some evidence that this actually happened. All I have is feelings, panic attacks, fear… but nothing tangible. My brain comes and goes between trusting myself to thoughts of- I made this up, perhaps I am the abuser, maybe I am overreacting, maybe it was the pandemic, maybe I am peri-menopausal, was the yelling that bad, the insults, all couples have trouble… I am going mad without any hard evidence other than I am in therapy, I am writing here, I am on medication and I fell anxious and scared.
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Sending you a big hug. I totally get where you’re coming from and I also yo-yo around. So many different feelings and so confusing. But as time goes on the confusion does seem to lessen, especially as how with some distance it becomes easier to see them for what they truly are – sometimes I’m truly shocked I ever fell for it! For me the confusion really sets in when he seems to be nice (I still have to interact with mine as we have children together). But then, give it a couple of weeks, something wont have gone his way and he’s back to a stroppy teenager being ridiculous again. I’m just thankful that he doesn’t come back home with it to me anymore!
Try not to doubt yourself. You don’t need “evidence”, how he made you feel is evidence enough. I know this is confusing when I’m sure he also made you feel good at times too, but I’m telling you now, even though I don’t know you or the ins and outs of your relationship I am certain that he was abusive, and you are not overreacting, and most definitely not the abuser (I’m betting he’s accused you of that or something similar??). These men are all the same. You are so much better off without him, he will not give you any closure, only add more confusion because that is what he does. Sending lots of love xx
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Confronting him will not give you evidence. He will deny his involvement, say you are crazy or kame you. None of that will help you. In fact it will make your distress and confusion worse.
If there were no witnesses, nothing in writing and and you did not write it down at the time, then you won’t have any hard evidence.
You know what happened. Abusers thrive on confusing us and distorting our reality so we doubt our sanity. Do not doubt yourself and plan something for you and your future, rather than looking back. -
*blame* sorry for typo
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Try using a digital voice recorder. You can get voice activated ones now. You can record every interaction without him knowing then you can go back and listen to it.
You’ll be able to see the twists and turns that he makes much more clearly and you’ll hear him saying things he will claim he never said.
When I did it, it confirmed to me that he was gaslighting me. It was all the evidence I needed.
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I have been and still am in some ways in this situation,
My ex, denies everything, I am so gladglad that I made a log of every incident from when I left, just wish I had kept logs when I was still there but I couldn’t at the time..
My memories and his memories never match up… and he has gone so far to say now that I abused him!Iv had him refuse to adjern hearings when we have been waiting on evidence just to make me turn up and be told to go home until the evidence shows… he will actually pay legal fees (even when he states poverty) just to be an inconvenience to me…as he knows I struggle with child care when I need to go to hearings…
Iv had him tell family and friends thathat I am using kids to abuse him… even tho he was the one using contact times to get to me…
I have even had him tell officers that went to talk to him bout harrassment that he was worried about the children’s welfare and police had to come inside to check the house was appropriately safe and had food etc…Go no contact all the way..
I tried to be understanding and kind and it literally did me no good..
Good luck -
I keep doubting myself and my memory shifts to the nice things I had during the relationship – what if I am overreacting? Maybe it was a bad relationship not a dangerous one. I am so confused I don’t even know how to function day to day. I constantly need people around me – I am not “me” anymore. I am lost and unsure of what to do. If I could talk to him… but then I think that he will be in control again. This is really hard.
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His behaviour is the evidence so recording or keeping a record of what he does (and how you feel) is the only way to keep evidence. The nature of abuse is that you have been manipulated to doubt your recollection of incidents and to think you must be overreacting.
Have you read up on abuse? I got a lot of clarity from reading about abuse and was able to see his actions for what they were. I always recommend Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. I would also recommend Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar, which is a good one to read after you’ve already learnt a bit about abuse.
I’m not in any way minimising what he’s done, but just say for argument’s sake it was ‘just a bad relationship’. Would that make any difference to how damaging it was for you? Are you asking because you think you shouldn’t feel the way you do? Whatever it was, there is no right way to feel other than how you do feel. Trauma can affect people differently and it sounds to me like you are feeling the effects of trauma from the abuse – being confused about how to function, needing people around you, not feeling like you. These are classic effects of abuse. Your abuser takes chunks out of you until you’re just a shell and don’t know who you are any more. He convinces you that he’s the only one who can fill the gap he created so you feel drawn to him despite what he’s done to you.
You are absolutely right – talking to him gives him control again. Wanting anything from him gives him control again. On top of that, he will not give you closure. There is no incentive for him to do that and he will probably never see that he is abusive. The only way to get closure is to accept what has happened, that it was not your fault and that the abuse was all about him, and then focus on your healing. That’s why understanding how abuse works can be so helpful. I still have a lot of healing to do, but accepting that he will always be the way he is and it was never about me has given me the space to start to heal. I know it’s not easy, but the only way to break free of his grip on you is to shift your attention away from him and onto you. Sending love xxxx
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