This topic contains 16 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  EbonyRaven 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #71259
     ShatteredSoul 
    Participant

    I’m finding this all extremely difficult. I’m just not sure where I go from here. Writing it down was the easy part. I’ve spent the last few years keeping notes of my thoughts, feelings and incidents. How my mental health has deteriorated as a result. In my mind, I have rehearsed it a thousand times. But when push comes to shove, the words don’t come. He has given me opportunities to end this misery, but I think it’s a game he plays, because he knows I will never be strong enough to challenge him. I accept things the way they are. I know it is not right. I’ve gone over and over it. But, I suppose until we are ready in ourselves, nothing will change. Over Christmas, I reached that point. I’m now just waiting for my moment. I know it will come soon. The next time, will be his last time.

  • #71279
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi ShatteredSoul

    It sounds like you are feeling ready to make a change soon, and you are right that to get to this point can take a long time but you have given yourself time and now you can be in control. If you would like to speak to someone to make a safe plan you can call the helpline on 0808 2000 247 or get in touch with your local domestic abuse service.

    Take care and keep posting

    Lisa

  • #71281
     Landy 
    Participant

    Hey, ShatteredSoul, I’m newly free. Like you, I knew the last time I forgave him was the last time. You’ll be ready soon. The peace is palpable. Just keep posting x

  • #71290
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi ShatteredSoul, yes I know that feeling. rehearsing it, all the different scenarios, but the words just won’t come out. Since I made that pact with myself, my oh hasn’t kicked off to any extent that warrants me to leave. Which is silly because like you, I’ve been writing down his behaviour and how it’s made me feel for years, it is amazing how much we will put up with! It’s not about thinking these men are everywhere and I’ll never find one who isn’t abusive. Tbh,I don’t really care anymore if I have anyone in my life male wise ever again. I’m still with my OH, I miss cuddles and conversation, these both lead to sex, which I can’t do.(they also lead to further verbal abuse).The thought of it makes me feel physically sick now.I’ve found that when we do have sex, the verbal abuse will usually start the very next day. So I now associate feeling good and loved and that he’s changed, with sex, followed by being made to feel worthless, less than. So if I don’t have sex, he won’t find something to complain about, though now it’s cos he isn’t getting any. I think he’s getting used to it, he’s not went on for a few days now😏 the thing is, if I do initiate it, I’m accused of sooking up his a..e, wanting something!!! So I really can’t win. And its not all that anyway now, I don’t find the effort worth the duration, it’s literally about his needs not mine. Since menopause I’ve not had one orgasm. I dont know if it’s because of that(menopause, some advice would be very welcome) or if it’s because I’m not in the mood, he’s too quick, whatever. Sorry for making your post all about me, it’s funny how our replies open up more of what’s going on in our own relationships.
    Welcome to the forum, keep posting, keep learning, knowledge is power.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #71344
     ShatteredSoul 
    Participant

    I resonate with so much of what you said. Similar to yourself, since I made my decision, things have been quiet. Apart from the usual shouting, mood swings and general feelings of uneasiness. Similar to yourself, I have no thoughts or feelings about being intimate with him. The thought of him near me, repulses me. Apparently my lack of interest is unacceptable. As a married man, it is his right! He thinks I need counselling. He cannot see that it is him. This is one of the biggest flashpoints of confrontation. I am up at the c***k of dawn every day, just to avoid any contact with him. I go to bed late, again to avoid confrontation. I know things are brewing, as they always do. Now I’ve made my decision, I am ready for him, next time.

  • #71345
     Landy 
    Participant

    The “funny” thing about abuse is that in my case, my abuser would have got more of what he’d wanted, e.g. my company, sex, me agreeing with him, if he’d been nice to me and not abusive. He really didn’t need to try to control me. By doing that, it just meant I didn’t want to be around him. I don’t know why he found it so hard to be nice to me.

    • #71387
       Iwantmeback 
      Participant

      Landy, how right you are. I was more than willing to love him 1000%, do anything and everything for him, but he chose to be domineering, demanding, withdrawn, aggressive, violent, a bully at the end of the day. He’s broken this relationship, not me.
      💕💕

  • #71350
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Please understand that you donkt have to wait for the next outburst. He has already shown you his true colours. Believe him. It’s a cycle of abuse and after his next outburst he will be contrite and the cycle will continue. You have the power to get out now. I made the mistake of waiting for my ‘get out of jail free card’. Which was his affair. It just didn’t occur to me that I had the option of simply walking away at any time. You don’t need to wait for an excuse. Take back that power and go while he thinks he has the upper hand. It’s safer that way too. I did it after decades. You can do it. Go grab that peaceful abuse free life where no one holds you back x

  • #71358
     ShatteredSoul 
    Participant

    If you could see the person I have become. Just an empty shell. Completely numb. A sad state of affairs, when the children hate their dad. I have nothing but hatred for him. I’m sure he thinks I’m having an affair, the amount of time I spend talking to others about my situation. My phone is the only thing he can’t control, and he hates it. Apart from work, it’s the only contact I have with other people. He’s seen to that. No one visits, not even my family.

    I am worried about what happens next. The stubborn side of me thinks, why the hell should I be the one to leave. I have done nothing wrong. This is my children’s home. I am currently the main breadwinner, but I’m not sure I could manage on my own.

    • #71388
       Iwantmeback 
      Participant

      I’m like you to, apart from no longer being numb, I think the shock of finding out what he is numbs us. After he attacked my dog a while back, a few days after it I just shook, I was freezing too, then all I wanted to do was sleep, I couldn’t keep my eyes open.
      No one from my family is allowed in the house to visit, his family and friends are, though that’s few and far between, he prefers not to be disturbed. His attitude is, he’s been out all day working and doesn’t want to be annoyed entertaining people!
      My house is no longer our home, he’s tainted it. I will leave someday, this year hopefully. Once I find out how I’ll manage financially, that’s really the last hurdle to leaving apart from telling him. I might not do that, though it feels cruel. But look at how cruel they’ve been to us over the years. I wrote a letter a while back, doubt he’ll read it, though he did say he was fully expecting to come home from work to a letter and me gone. Then in the next sentence said what was stopping him writing me something. If I got up one morning and the dog was gone(the one he’s nicest to) I’d know HE’D left ME. All this, GO, I’m not stopping you, or him saying, I can go anytime, this continual pushing/pulling, I’m tired of it. He doesn’t get it, I no longer care if we are together or not. So here’s hoping we both get our respective oh’s out of our lives soon.
      IWMB 💕💕

  • #71362
     Landy 
    Participant

    I was the same as you. Even my family wouldn’t visit. It’s lovely to have them round again.

    You will manage, you know. My ex got arrested so I’m here alone. The house is mine, but I would never have bought such a big old house if I’d known I’d be here on my own. But now he’s not here, my my friends and family will help. It won’t be easy but I’m tough and you are too. And any time you struggle, just post here.

  • #71371
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I was that numb shell too. I had him arrested and he was not allowed back. There is lots of help out there when you’re ready to take it. Exclusion orders. Non molestation orders. Keep posting and learning. You will be free one day x

  • #71399
     ShatteredSoul 
    Participant

    I’m currently playing the weekend avoidance game. He’s even sent a what’s app, ordering me upstairs. I know the confrontation is coming. I just need to be brave. He knows I’m online. I feel sick to my stomach. In the past, he’s asked, ‘is this it?’ ‘are you punishing me?’ ‘are you trying to make me leave, because I won’t’ ‘do you still want to be married?’ Again, it’s all part of the manipulation, as he knows I won’t stand up to him. I just wish the words would come. I know he’s a bully. In arguments, things get turned around onto me, it’s never his fault. I’m made to feel like I was wrong.

  • #71403
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi ShatteredSoul, I hope your evening why well. My oh just to a roars at me to ‘get in here’. It used to make my belly knot, but not anymore. My usual answers are generally in question form, I’m still here aren’t I, or what do you think. Or, I just look through him when he’s ranting.
    It’s the ordering from one room to another that bugs me. I now tell him, if you want to speak to me, come to me and stop demanding/shouting(whatever it is he’s doing),I can’t hear/see through brick walls.
    My oh is different in that he says he’s been put out of better places than this!, or he can go anytime! That really makes you feel loved, his indifference is part of any I dont care or love him anymore. It may be a self defence mode he’s put up over the years, but as @landy said recently, if he’d been nicer, less aggressive, I’d have still been doing things with and for him.
    Once our eyes are opened up to the monster he is, we can’t go back to being a loving partner, we’re constantly on high alert and self preservation mode. Splitting up/divorcing is the eventual end to the relationship. Closure will come when we no longer bother what he does or says or tries to do to us.
    I really hope you’re okay, words definately hurt deeper than any knife. 💞
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #71407
     ShatteredSoul 
    Participant

    I knew it was coming. Apparently I’m being cruel. Is he supposed to live like this for the rest of his life!!! He started on me, even with my youngest in the room. He’s now slamming round the house.

  • #71408
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Can you take the children and go out for a while, don’t sit and listen to his tantrum. I stood up to my oh this morning and guess what, he pushed me onto the couch, there wasn’t any malice in it, just using his weight to push me around. Try and not let his tantrum push your buttons💪
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #71411
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    They are the constant victims aren’t they? NOT. I’m so sorry to read you’re both getting that treatment, you really don’t deserve it at all.

    Well done though for standing up for yourselves. Made me smile to know you did so and think about how shocked those men must have been.

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