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    • #74722
      Peacethroughhealing
      Participant

      Saw my ‘partner’ for the first time in a while. I still love him and I miss the closeness with him despite what he’s done to me and how he’s almost destroyed me. Deep down I know there is no way forward for us or a proper future so why do I stay and not cut ties as it is only prolonging the pain and hurt. He won’t just change and that’s the reality of the situation so I am just drawing it out. I know he’s had a previous conviction for domestic abuse although he doesn’t know that I know. So why would I stay with the man then? Do I not respect myself enough? It’s messed up. The physical side is a strong draw as we are so good in bed together. I keep thinking of the tenderness there and how can someone show that kind of love and attention and then be so abusive at other times. I don’t understand…I’m so confused.

    • #74726
      Serenity
      Participant

      It’s the good moments that keep us there, isn’t it? They create hope within us that the person can change, that they feel the connection and so will, surely, get to see the error of their ways?

      The good times don’t cancel out the bad times. They don’t erase the hurt and damage: they just cover them up, push them under the carpet; they are a temporary band aid. But the real damage is festering underneath. Sex is a very powerful weapon. It can be used to allure people and hook them in. Or maybe, during sex, he can somehow forget himself and show a vulnerability that he can’t in daily life. But you need someone who is kind and supportive in daily life, who doesn’t traumatise you and confuse you by yo-yoing between abuse and apparent tenderness. I haven’t been on this forum for a while and so haven’t followed your thread, but I am sure you know about the trauma bond that feels like love, as the same chemicals are produced when in love as when you are in fear. A bit of confusing biology.

      The reasons or the causes of his behaviour don’t matter, in so much as either way, you are being unjustly hurt and damaged, and that’s wrong.

      I’ve been out of an abusive marriage for some years now, and I was like you in my marriage- praying that he would cut out the mean moments, and just be kind and tender. Though he was dreadful, I was a mess when it ended. It was all I’d known for a long time. I cut contact, and I’m at the stage now where he doesn’t loom so large in my mind. I saw him this week, and felt nothing. I’m dealing with the after affects of the abuse still, but the craving for him in terms of wishing he could be different is gone. This will happen with you too over time, the more you distance him.

      Sending you warm hugs.

    • #74745
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Can relate so much. When we have sex endorphins are released that leave us feeling good and a sense of well-being hey – the endorphins releive us of all pain in these moments; of course we want more of this and struggle to let it go, especially when we experience so much pain in our waking hours. Sex makes this stop for a ‘short time’ huh.

      And yes, you do have self respect, it is your self respect speaking now, asking why am I staying with this man? It’s a great question; what else are you getting other than the sex? What else is keeping you there? Your self respect is jumping about, waving flags and setting off fireworks to try and gain your attention to get you to respond.

      Awakening is a painful process – why opt for pain when you can have great sex instead x

    • #74753
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Oh yes the tenderness and love for them.
      Look up trauma bond it will give you an electric shock. You’ll see that what you though is love is actually trauma bond.
      I sometimes think my life was easier when I still was in love with my (second) abuser because it just felt so good…even though I noticed I didn’t blossomed with his love and he didn’t support me. I was in love with him. But he wasn’t as good as a friend would be to me. That was weird. And he didn’t support me at all when I discovered about domestic abuse. That put the biggest distance between us and eventually I got to see who he was for what he was.
      But now I feel empty. Maybe I am on ground zero but at least not abused anymore and that is much safer. And from there I now I can build up again.
      And so can you one day 💕

    • #74754
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      I can relate so much to the sex side. I truly felt I’d met my equal, sexually, but and this has taken years to register, but, after such amazing sex, the next day/ evening he’d always say, what was that last night, i did all the work as usual, you lie there like a (dog) or he’d be 2 minutes in the door and he’d be screaming at me for no apparent reason. After me feeling so good and loved all day, to jumping at my shadow, wondering what I’d done wrong. How can someone who only last night had made me feel so good, safe, at peace turn into such an arrogant stranger. And then at bedtime we’d have sex again and did so almost daily for the better part of our relationship, to now it’s like done under duress if at all. Now I realise we had nothing in common bar sex, and without that we have nothing.
      💕💕

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