Confused!

[Daisydo]

He agreed to leave the family home for  (detail removed by moderator), I thought get him out then argue the time scale after. But he turned up (detail removed by moderator) later threatening suicide, crying etc. I felt I had to let him home because I didn’t want to be responsible for the father of My children killing himself & I know people would have seen it like that because he is playing the victim, because I won’t forgive & forget & move on, with him.
Anyway, the tears lasted a couple of days and he had hot himself back into the home.
We don’t argue or shout anymore. He says he is making more effort with the kids and they are better with him. I have a good relationship with my kids because I want it, not to impress my partner and everyone else.
(Detail removed by moderator) he has spent the evening messaging a woman he met when he was out a few months ago.
This hurts, and I’m not sure why? I know I am angry that he thinks he can just keep asking every couple of months if we can try again & that’s it. No more effort than that, no chocolates.flowers, wine, big night out, weekend away, no extra effort!! No actions to prove to me that he really wants ME like he says he does.
Now he’s just chatting away to another woman and has made me feel disappointed again.
I’m surprised I feel like it because I didn’t think I wanted to be with him and I’m sure I don’t. I don’t even really like him anymore but it’s just disappointment after disappointment and I’m feeling really sad and trapped by everything.
Has anybody else felt like this, I’m almost feeling shallow in away!!
Daisydo xx

 

[KIP.]

Yes, this is how they mess with our heads. They are liars and manipulators. Nobody goes from suicidal to messaging other women. Suicidal threats is a very common tactic. He will use and abuse you while you have contact. Absolutely zero contact. If you’re worried about how you will be perceived then he’s played right into your hands. No one would blame you for ending a relationship when you’re partner does this. He is not your responsibility. You will feel sad and broken while he’s happily setting up a date with other women. You do not need to accept this behaviour from anybody. You and your children deserve better.

[KIP.]

Google triangulation in domestic abuse.

[fizzylem]

Hi DD, yes you’re being manipulated for sure. He’s the man you fell for and the father of your children so I imagine there are some sentimental feelings coupled with the knowing you have grown to dislike him because of how he behaves, mixed feelings like this are quite normal.

You’re also clearly feeling responsible for him, he has the GP to assist him with suicidal feelings, this is something you can’t help him with. Think it would be really good if you could recognise this. It doesn’t mean you dont have a heart, it means you accept you are not the person to help him here.

Suspect when you took him back you decided on some level ok lets try again; only this was not the case for him also, for him it was back to business as usual.

This man sounds like he knows exactly what he needs to do to get what he wants to me. Maybe call the helpline and discuss how to end it and how to get him out.

My partner threatened suicide so many times I came to see it for what it was, threats and feelings only – they rarely act on these feelings, that’s if they really do have these feelings – some don’t – they say this to get you to feel sorry, scared and responsible. People that are intent on taking their own life rarely tell others they are going to do it. On rare occassions it can be the last violent attack on a partner, but even then this is not the only contributing factor. Think about it, who does this just to have the last word, to be right, to say told you I would – to cause someone else hurt and distress and placing this above life itself; a seriosuly troubled person that’s who.

I think it’s important here to respect it is his life and his choices, if he chooses to end his life that is absolutely his choice, this choice is an option to all of us; but I doubt very much he would do this, it kind of takes a lot of courage to do it and these men are often really cowards underneath. See it for what it is, tosh; but if you feel it’s important to take him seriously tell him to see the GP, once he’s gone cut contact so he cant try and put this on you but if he does manage to get to you again you can always call the police and they will do a safe and well check on him – they rarely do this again after having a visit like this – as it’s way too embarrassing! But if he was genuine then they would help x

[fizzylem]

Have a little mantra I think is appropriate here for you to recite in your head if you wanted to ‘NMP'(not my problem) x

[Daisydo]

Thank you for your replies.
I felt strong at the beginning, when I decided I my head ‘no more’ but because he has hung around and made it so difficult for (detail removed by moderator), I feel weaker i am scared of him leaving, what if I regret letting him go and can’t cope on my own with the kids?
I can feel my confidence fading and pain setting in. Yet, o can’t imagine being with him again. Physically, he does nothing for me!!
Hopefully another day I will feel better again. It’s just to everybody else he is your hard working Dad and they make you question your judgement.
Xx

 

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