Confused

[IndecisiveGirl]

I’ve left my partner.
Although I have so much support off my parents and they tell me my partner was abusive, it’s still hard to accept or understand.

Is it abusive? He used to call me a c**t, shout/swear at me (even in front of our baby a few times), he’s threatened to punch/glass and drag me out of the house, he’s given me silent treatment when I don’t understand why, he’s told me he wished I’d die in my sleep.

This time I left, he’s actually rung a service to seek help, is this actually him wanting to change now after giving me years of hell?

I’m so heartbroken because I always dreamed of having a little family one day, and I’ve had to leave and become a single mum (although he’s said just to take a few months to think about things while he shows me he can change).

[KIP.]

Yes it’s incredibly abusive and dangerous for you and your child. Imagine a friend, sister or daughter or mum and a man does these things to someone you love. It’s unacceptable, illegal and he won’t change. Once an abuser always an abuser. Then he plays mind games by telling you to take a few months. These men never change. If he doesn’t know that behaviour is wrong by now he never will. Stay away and build a good life for your child x

[KIP.]

Please get in touch with your local women’s aid. Have a look at doing the freedom programme x

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thankyou both.

Since having my baby, he hasn’t threatened violence/hasn’t been as bad, but like shouted/sworn at me a few times and refused to stop Car on a long journey as I was uncomfortable with how he was acting:/

I feel like he’s trying more to be better, but it also hurts me that he has to try so hard to be nice to me?

The freedom programme sounds helpful, I will have to look into that.

[KIP.]

You should concentrate on what he has done to you. Not what he hasn’t. Make a list and take a long look at what he’s done, how he’s behaved towards you. How he does it when there are no witnesses, so he knows what he is doing is wrong yet he chooses to carry on. It’s all about control with these men and he won’t change. I wish I’d found women’s aid when my baby was born but sadly I didn’t know about domestic abuse and suffered terrible mental health problems for decades. My child also suffered and missed out on a happy carefree mum. Instead he got a shell of a person who spent all her time trying to appease a violent bully instead of building a productive life for us both. This really is your opportunity to free yourself from decades of misery. I know it won’t feel like it but one incident is enough to walk away and you’ve given him chance after chance and yet he continues and always will continue to abuse you and now your child. It’s not about trying to be better. This is the cycle of abuse. He knows he now needs to be nice to hook you back in. To take the spotlight off his bad behaviour and move it onto his good behaviour or very often that spotlight moves to your behaviour. All to distract from his dysfunctional abusive illegal damaging behaviour. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? This man is not the man you think he is. He wears a mask and you’ve seen what’s behind that mask. Keep reaching out. Knowledge is power.

[KIP.]

You have a little family. You and your child are a family. A good strong family. Families come in all shapes and forms. It’s so much better to come from a broken home than an abusive one and your child is too young to know any difference. Make sure you don’t allow him access to your baby. He has every right legally not to return your child and many men seize this opportunity to use the child to regain control. Speak to a solicitor, most offer free legal advice initially or ring the helpline number on here for advice. It really is better to be safe than sorry. Get something in place to say you’re the main carer with the main responsibility and residency. Try to cut contact with him to avoid his mind games. Take time for yourself to clear your head. Abuse often escalates after the birth of a child when we are vulnerable and it’s telling that you’ve chosen to leave now with your baby yet you’re saying his abuse hasn’t been as bad lately? Write down everything and I think you will find, like me, the abuse escalated after childbirth, there was a kind of jealousy that I was bonding with my child and that brings out a nasty controlling selfish side of an abuser. Try to speak to your GP and seek out some counselling.

[Hetty]

I my experience they don’t change. My husband agreed to take medication for issues then slyly stopped taking it. He’s also had counselling. The problems are so ingrained that before long they return. In my experience they begin by saying they take responsibility then before long they return to a place where we are at fault. It protects their ego and allows them to continue in the cycle of abuse which keeps them feeling ok.
Having a new baby can bring about changes to people but how long do they last? New babies are stressful and exhausting. Could you really trust him to be in this for the long haul? What about when babies grow into demanding toddlers? Will he set a good example and manage difficult behaviours calmly?
I’ve been in this cycle for years. Nothing changes.

[Author]

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