Confused

[unsureginger]

So I’m new here, I’ve been with my partner for a while now but we’re not married and don’t have any kids unless you count cats. He’s lovely most of the time, always caring and does so much for me and around the house but when he drinks it’s like he’s a different person. He’s horrible, tells me I’m worthless and that he wants to leave but I won’t let him. Says I deserve it when he’s hit me in the past and constantly holds it against me for calling the police on him. He says he ‘gives me what I deserve’ because I interrupt his peace. I think I want to leave whenever things kick off but the next morning he’s so lovely and back to his old self. It feels weird calling him an abuser, the man I know wouldn’t be like that but then do I know him? It’s so confusing and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t leave as I moved to another city to be with him, we’re renting a house and I’ve got a new job which I love but I can’t afford to live on my own. I feel like no one would ever love me because he’s the only one I’ve ever had a relationship with. The thought of not having the good side of him in my life breaks my heart because I love him so much. I just don’t know what to do. Sorry this is such a mess, just needed to get it off my chest I guess. I wish I could just be in a simple happy relationship like so many of my friends.

[AnkaBa]

You don’t deserve to be his verbal punching bag, even if he doesn’t drink a lot he clearly has some form of drinking with problem, as you said he’s lovely most of the time and then the alcohol changes him.
Have you tried speaking to him about it when he’s sober and back to his normal self? Stay strong x

[unsureginger]

I do speak to him but he doesn’t think he has a problem with his drinking. Says that he knows he was mean that time but things will be different but then nothing ever is. Just last night he got so drunk he messaged one of my male friends and told him he was going to punch his lights out because he was hitting on me which is not the case. I’m just so fed up of living with two different people in one man.

[Lisa]

Hello Unsureginger, welcome to the forum.

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through with your partner.

Unfortunately it is so common for abusers to embody this type of Jekyll and Hyde character, where they have a ‘good’ and ‘bad’ side. It can be hard to believe the lovely man you met can become this abusive and frightening person. As time goes on, we often see more of the abusive side and less and less of the ‘nice’ side of them.

Abusive relationships also often form a cycle pattern where things seem good for a while, then things escalate until there is a period or event of abusive behaviour (sometimes violence), then a period of calm until the cycle starts again. It’s common for abusers to deflect responsibility and blame everything but themselves for their behaviour. It’s important to know it is not your fault.

It may be worth considering reaching out to your local specialist domestic abuse service for some support with things, whenever you feel ready to do so. You can find your local service here.

Take care and keep posting.

Lisa

[Author]

Posts