Confused

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

Sorry, I’ve been posting a lot over the last few days.

I’m feeling confused and low today. I’m in a refuge, about to apply for a debt relief order as my finances have got out of hand and last week my ex-husband and his wife emailed me to say among many things that thry think it’s time i accept the consequences of my actions in life.

It’s been years since he and I separated yet its still ongoing, he’s got worse since they got married.

Why am I the only one in the equation who is always told to accept responsibility or told I’m in the wrong when I challenge something they also wouldn’t settle for? If I stick up for myself thry say I love being a victim and enjoy drama.

Ive been feeling brighter at times lately and have even felt up to applying for work – this was before lockdown obviously – but now I am second guessing myself and thinking I don’t have it in me to do a good job for anyone.

I appreciate its a really difficult time for us Ll and I will be incredibly grateful to anyone who gives their thoughts on this x

[Headspinning]

Do you have to have any contact at all with them? Sounds like it has a really negative impact and from what others say on here, no contact is the only way to go.

I know I’m still in the early days of separation but any contact invariably brings me down regardless of whether it’s mr nice or mr nasty. I would hate to still be in contact with him years from now especially if he had a new partner. Can you ask them to communicate via sols if there is an ongoing dispute – chances are you will qualify for legal aid?

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Squeakycheese

Of what I read from your post, you’re actually doing very well; let me list all of your achievements here:
• You’re away from your abuser
• You’ve managed to get safe shelter in a refuge
• You’re sorting out your finances
• You’re thinking about the future and have enough confidence in your abilities to consider applying for work

All these steps you took show enormous progress, you’re well on your way to reclaim a beautiful life back.

Now we all know the song on how to deal with abusers once we are away. Go no contact. Going no contact with your abusive ex (and his wife) will allow you to recover without the added stress of them playing mind games with you. He enjoyed putting you down before, he enjoys doing it now with his new accomplice. Close the door honey. You don’t need he and his wife treating you ill. If needed let all communications go through a third party. Block them both. Don’t waste any time on either of them. You’re worth so much more. You deserve to rebuild your life, as you do beautifully right now without any interruptions from evil people. Leave them behind in the mud where they belong. Ignore them both, he will soon enough turn his abuse towards his wife, then they both won’t have time to pick on you. Meanwhile you go ahead with your life.

You’re having a down day today and it’s totally ok to have them, you’ve done so much already.
Treat yourself specially well today and tomorrow, breathe deeply in and out. Give yourself a treat. The next days will be better.

Keep focusing on your plans, also with job hunt, keep your eyes open, polish your CV, practice your interview skills, so you’ll be ready as soon as the lockdown is lifted. I’m sure there will be/ are already demands for certain sectors, health care obviously atm and in few weeks I’m sure there will be other sectors which will be overloaded with work and will require extra staff.

It’s your turn, your life, keep going Squeasycheese, you’re doing great!💪💕

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