- This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Anonymous.
28th November 2021 at 7:49 am #134837ElderberryParticipant
I’ve been with my husband for over (detail removed by moderator) and we have two children. Over the last year he’s been losing his temper very quickly with me and our daughters and it has often resorted to name calling and nasty comments to both me and my eldest daughter. It has felt aggressive at the worst times. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I think my daughter is feeling that as well as I do see her behaviour change when she is just with me. It’s got to the point now where I’m constantly waiting for the next argument. I’m always listening to the conversations between my husband and daughter in case voices start to get raised and I know I’m going to need to step in. When arguments start with my husband and me or my daughter I feel like I want to clam up and disappear. It takes so much effort to start arguing back. It’s just exhausting. It also feels like he’s constantly criticising me but he tells me not to be over sensitive.
I am speaking to a counsellor and my husband is doing the same. He says he struggles to control his temper and is frustrated with us if we aren’t behaving how he thinks we should be. He seems to have stopped calling me names but it’s still happening with our daughter. It’s very confusing though because they also can really enjoy each others company and have a good time together.
I appreciate that he is having counselling but not knowing when this behaviour is going to start is just taking its toll on me and I think it is on our children as well.
I have started to look at other issues as well that were ongoing before the nasty comments started. He does make comments which are belittling but tells me not to be so sensitive and says nasty things about friends and family. I also pay the bills from my salary and he puts money into the pot each month but not enough to cover an equal share of monthly costs. I end up paying for most outgoings and struggle at the end of the month. I have to ask for additional money if things are needed and get questioned over it. It takes effort to ask for money.
I do ask him about the behaviour and he says he is trying but now says that I need to be more proactive in keeping the family together. Now I’m feeling guilty that I’m not trying and this is my fault but I’m struggling because I just feel constantly anxious when we’re all together. It’s starting to make me feel ill.
So I’m feeling very confused at the moment. Am I over sensitive and should I be sticking in here to try and save the relationship? I’m really concerned about the effect any decision will have on our daughters.
Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
28th November 2021 at 8:45 am #134838KIP.Participant
He’s sounds like a typical abuser and that feeling of confusion comes from being in an abusive relationship. Talk to your local women’s aid and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. I bet your husband can control his temper around his boss at work, he is choosing to behave this way. It’s all about control with an abuser. Start a list of things he’s done from the very beginning that have felt wrong. Keep a journal. When you see it all written down it makes it easier to follow. Belittling and destroying your confidence then blaming you for being ‘too sensitive’ is abusive and gaslighting. It makes us feel like we are losing our minds. The walking on eggshells inducing anxiety. There is a cycle of abuse which you will see. Google The Power and Control Wheel. The Cycle of Abuse. Gaslighting. He is choosing this behaviour, he’s very much in control of his behaviour and it’s very detrimental to both you and your children. Make sure your therapist is experienced and trained in domestic abuse.
28th November 2021 at 8:46 am #134839KIP.Participant
Keep reading other posts on here and you will see there is a very similar pattern of behaviour including economic abuse. If he has the money then he has the control x
28th November 2021 at 9:16 am #134840nbumblebeeParticipant
Hey there sweetie, I wanted to reach out. Ive been married a little bit longer than you and have been on this flrum for about 6 months now.
Ive recently discovered that my husband isnt nice and hasnt been probably for all of our marriage but I just didnt see it.
So firstly a huge well done to you for seeing and coming in here. I had never heard of gas lighting, coercive control and didnt even understand that you can suffer sexual assult in a marriage so my advice to you would be to read posts on here read books like why does he do that, really try to learn about this behaviour and how it relates to how he has and is treating you and your daughter. My husband shouts at my boys but never does he treat them with the hate he treats me with so I guess i am lucky there.
Contact womans aid talk over chat with them they may be able to help you see a little more and definatly keep up with your counselling sessions i originally saw a counsellor for something different but since ive opened my eyes she is amazing at helping me process all this and is desperatly trying to help me see and believe it could be abuse which is what i struggle with too i just cant understand how a man who loves his wife ir is supposed to love his wife can also abuse her i just cant get my head around it either but i am certainly trying hard.
It is good that he is also seeing someone i dont think that happens often but just be wary there.
Im not much help am I sorry I just wanted to say you are not alone here.
Gather info reach out for advice and good luck xxxx
1st December 2021 at 11:39 am #135013ElderberryParticipant
Thanks for your replies. They’re really helpful. I do question myself over everything. I don’t understand either how if you love your wife and children you are able to behave like this. I feel quite angry about it all but I’m also feeling guilty because I question if I’m not trying in the relationship now and that’s the problem. I’m finding it very hard though because of what has/is going on and the anxiety I’ve got now. Talking to a counsellor has opened my eyes as well. We’ve discussed abuse but it’s still really difficult to process that it’s happening especially after being together for so long.
1st December 2021 at 3:07 pm #135029AnonymousInactive
I’m not surprised Eld. it must be. Others have written on here about the FOG of abuse which stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
There is a lot of that, especially with kids. And second guessing yourself.
What stands out in your post is the bit about love.
ie. not being able to understand why someone behaves this way if they love their family.
The brutal answer is ‘they don’t’.
I got married as many others did, belieivng my (now ex) loved me. There are many different kinds of love, true love, I believe, but ultimately truest love has something to do with wishing the person well, in that buddhist chant sense of it
‘may you be well, may you be peaceful…may all things be well’…
It is a very. very hard thing to accept that someone may wish you ill.
Even harder perhaps to accept and that someone may actively be planning to hurt you. Emotionally, physically. That they gain satisfaction from that.
Perhaps take a little comfort from you not understanding that abuse. That means you care and are not a n********t.
People fall in and out of love, that is true. marriages fall apart due to stress, etc, someone being unfaithful. These things are not nice, but many, many people who expereince them and have kids manage to dissolve their marriage without causing undue hurt to their kids or their ex spouse.
N********ts are not like that. They really, really aren’t. The worst of them take every, every opportunity to inflict hurt, pain and suffering because effectively as we know, if they can’t control you any more they have LOST. And they ARE lost as a human being so they lash out in anger any which way.
It is really painful to write that, actually, but I have known this to be true, sadly.
And then you have to try to keep you and your kids out of the line of fire in any way you can. It really is like being in a war zone and having to make sure your defences are intact.
Another thing is the realisation that when you met this person, they were role-playing a person that never really existed. i.e little appearing-to-be-loving touches, gestures..
They were all designed to hook you in. That is all.
That is not love.
It is not love because they simply don’t know how. They don’t feel it. And I don’t think they ever will.
Heavens I feel so cynical writing this, believe it or not, I have known true love in mmy life from a partner before i met my ex, which is something to build on.
Another thing that might help is, and I forgot where I read it,
It is about n********tic personality disorder.
Question being why do so many people (men) remain without a diagnosis.
Answer is, it is teh nature of the beast.
No narc is going to walk into a doctor’s surgery and say ‘oh dear, I think I’ve got a problem, I might be a n********t, can you help me?’
Reason is, they don’t have the empathy, they can’t feel it. Their impact on other people.
That is why narcs get diagnosed in prison – as treatment is programmed and compulsory.
But most don’t get diagnosed for those reasons. And that means that many are just walking the earth looking for prey.
It is really hard looking that in the eye and I’m sorry if this is premature for you to read.
But once we are ‘entrapped’ as it were, in a marriage with kids, or in any other way, the only answer is to get out. It won’t stop. As sadly many women know.
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