Confused

[Anonymous]

I came under massive pressure to go back to the family home today for the first time in more than a year. It was for my grown up children. The day was calm and everyone was nice. I felt sad going back to my home knowing that I don’t belong there and all my things are still there. My partner was on his best behaviour and super nice and got upset when I arrived. He says if I need anything I only have to ask. There are massive issues such as serious gambling and control etc and I feel so sad that it has to be this way and question if I have done the right thing….maybe I was too sensitive etc….I get angry that he ruined things with his behaviour (which has been really bad over decades) as he can be really kind and have good intentions…on his terms. He can also be terrible too and there is zero trust there. The sad thing is I don’t think he ever expected I would leave in a million years and feels shocked that I actually did it.

I was warned by countless people not to go. It doesn’t help that I am disabled and unable to work and struggle at the moment to look after myself alone.

I don’t know how I will ever get over this and cope alone. Especially as he can be kind. However, I know at his worst he can be cruel too and has done some truly despicable things. Some of them I blame myself for….for getting things wrong or not being enough.

For someone that has known someone for decades how do you build a life again. Especially when my children are now saying I should go more often. The pressure is huge. I will lose my wider family and friends if I go back and perhaps my sanity.

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful angel … Controlled,
I think everything you are feeling is understandable and quite natural
These men do have pockets of ‘charm’ and maybe even the intention to be kind and loving, however they have their own demons to slay and we have to think very carefully if we want to be a part of that journey which for us is usually chaotic, demoralizing and abusive
You have made a massive step by leaving him so please please please keep putting one step in front of the other to move forward
He has his own path to follow and so do you
Please do not think he is the only person who can help you with your disability, start to look for other ways and options… once you start things will appear to you differently and he will not be your only go to
Start to forgive yourself and let go of any blame … by surviving his bad behaviour and having the strength to leave you are way more powerful than you give yourself credit for so start believing and focusing on you and leave him to his circus!
I believe in you … you’ve got this!
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Controlled,

Sorry to read that you are feeling this way at the moment. It must have been very emotional for you going back to the family home, especially as everyone was on their best behaviour and giving you some insight to what it ‘could be like’ if you went back. But you know that it wouldn’t be like that don’t you? Yesterday was a nice day because everyone made the effort for it to be that way.

The biggest part of your post that jumped out at me was this

“It doesn’t help that I am disabled and unable to work and struggle at the moment to look after myself alone.”

My heart went out to you when I read that, because despite your struggles and sadness, you ARE looking after yourself alone. You can cope without him and you can survive without him.

Gambling addictions are as harmful as alcohol and drugs, it’s just that this addiction can often be hidden easier from other people. Compulsive gamblers will lie, cheat and steal to feed this addiction just the same and it is understandable how trust and quite likely, respect, for him has gone. How many times have bills not been paid, food not been on the table because of his gambling? You may be struggling now, but is your money your own and you are able to budget properly?

Emotional attachment to the home where you raised your children is very strong. That may be why some people warned you not to go there. Perhaps the visit has caused you some confusion now when you had come to terms with the separation. You now know you can’t repeat this and you will have to meet your children somewhere else, or they come to you.

Building your life up again will start with one step at a time. What are your interests or hobbies? What would you like to learn to do? What are your talents that you could offer up to help someone else? Do you like swimming for instance? Is there a class you can take up at a regular time each week and get to know people there? This can lead to friendships being formed, going for a coffee and a chat afterwards. If money is tight go on to your local Council website and see what free social events are on each week in your area with support groups and social groups. Look in the local free magazine that comes through your door each month, ours has quite a few social opportunities going that are free to join. Our village hall has a social ‘drop in’ each week for coffee and biscuits for a £1 donation, they also have a Women’s Institute, the local parish council are always looking for regular attendees to support community ideas etc. Do you like animals? The Cat Protection League are looking for foster carers for cats and kittens on a temporary basis. There is a lot of things out there, it’s just knowing that they exist and/or where to look to find them.

You know that going back to him wouldn’t work, you just need to find something that is right for you now to distract yourself from these thoughts and be proof that there is a great, new life out here for you after all.

xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your advice. My friends keep reminding me that it was really serious as I almost died. I feel such shame for missing him and know a part of me would go back and accept being abused just to experience the kind parts. I also think that in some ways he might have changed (though not the gambling). I miss that we were supposed to be each other’s best friend and look out for each other, yet he decided to make decisions affecting me and treat me as if I didnt matter at all.

I feel anger that he can behave in a ‘normal’ way when he wants to and ruined our family with his behaviour. I’m beginning to blame myself for being overly sensitive and getting ill in the first place and not coping well with stress. Part of me wishes that I had gone back to see if he had changed, but I know that I would have not been able to see my wider family if I did that.

I have hobbies such as art etc but the pain I’m in makes it difficult to do that. I find it hard to be in the company of others as I’m in so much pain and I worry that I won’t be able to earn enough to support myself in the long run.

[Author]

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