Confused

[Everhopeful321]

I am struggling to cope with how my husband is able to manipulate my emotions. He had a few stressful things happen yesterday which I know inevitably leads to a huge explosion over something tiny relating to me. This time it was a (detail removed by moderator). He has a huge hatred for her – she is aware of my situation and is quite openly hostile towards him which he can’t handle. I am stuck in the middle somehow, he argues that she shouldn’t be so judgemental of him but does absolutely nothing to show her that he has changed. I know that his is because he hasn’t changed at all and she can see this.

But what I struggle with is that now I can see his behaviour is emotionally abusive, manipulating and controlling, as soon as he starts with the little comments and digs at me, I seem to just snap and feel like I lose control of the situation and my emotion, and then all if a sudden, it’s me that’s the problem, I’ve got upset over nothing.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense but I’m struggling to cope and hold myself together, he says I’m supposed to be the strong one but I feel an absolute mess. I can’t see a way for things to get better or for me to find a way out, I feel like I’m failing everyone, especially our children.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Everhopeful321, your post and what you have said make sense, most of us or even all of us on here have experienced this confusion.
It is good you are aware of his abusive behaviour towards you, it sounds like your sister can see him for who he is, abusers do not like that and he will work on breaking your relationship with your sister, it’s what they do as they do not like being seen.
Have you contacted your local WA? Or your GP?
Him saying that you’re meant to be the strong one, think about that statement, now imagine a close friend of yours or even your sister showing you their distress, what would you do? I bet you would console and listen to what is causing them distress, I also bet you wouldn’t tell them that they are the strong one.
The digs at you, the hurtful comments are all deliberate and non of it is OK or your fault, non of his behaviours as you are absolutely not responsible for him.
You are a great mother, if you weren’t you wouldn’t be worried about your children. You are on this forum as you need support as you now see your partners abuse, once you see it you can’t unsee it. Maybe you could keep a journal of his abuse, I kept writing in my notes section on my mobile, weiting down instances (and what you remember from the start of your relationship, it helps when you question your own mind and it is written down in front of you.
If it is safe could you meet up with your sister to talk?
Keep posting ❤ you are not alone xx

[Twisted Sister]

HI Everhopeful321

Your post reminded me of one the ‘conversations’ I had. I had realised what he was doing, and was wiped out, and very down about it all, didn’t know what to say once it had hit me. Well I got up one weekend, and was carrying all this new knowledge around in my head, probably in a bit of a daze, but quiet, still very pleasant to him (as usual), but yes quiet, and when he got up and came down he started. I saw for real for the very first time how determined he was to start a fight, because I could see what what happening, I really didn’t get emotionally involved. I’d become detached from it, but he kept on, and on and on. I kept saying yeah ok, or other very non-commital things and then would say something to start on a different tack to hope it would stop, but he went on for about half an hour, on and on. I ended up walking out that time, and I swear it was the only way to make it stop. I then thought long and hard about what I’d seen, and I had no knowledge of domestic abuse, emotional abuse, but it was such a revelation seeing it from the outside as it were, but he was getting more and more frustrated and angry at me, switching topics and complaints each time one slid away another would start.

I realised how exhausting it had been and how extremely difficult it is to extricate yourself from, very hard work,and as I say, totally exhausting. Its so subtle when it starts but then its suddenly so clear and obvious, and its over, there’s nowhere to go with that. Its impossible to have a conversation as thats not their intent, its just to upset, like you say, and they don’t stop till you’re a mess and then they’re happy. Its so sick isn’t it. So so sick and cruel to set out to harm in this way, and to put on such an act to reduce another person (someone they claim to love) to such sadness and pain.

Keep your sister close, and stay safe. Tell her whats happening, and she can probably see it for herself. She doesnt care about him owning his own issues, she makes him face who he is because he can’t show her his true self entirely because he would then reveal who he truly is, but he must hate her.

stay safe

Warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

…I had meant to say, that what matters is that it isn’t your fault, and its him thats letting down your children so badly.

Its completely normal to feel and react the way you do. It doesn’t take long when someone keeps poking you for it to become intolerable and this is what he’s doing emotionally every time he has stress.

He can’t deal with his emotions so he takes them out on you. Its bullying, and emotional abuse. Its no wonder you snap and lose it, he’s pushing and pushing you over the edge again and again. You need to protect yourself from his continual digs to pull you in, walk away, tell him you will come back when he’s calmed down, or whatever it takes to prevent this continual suffering, and if he looks like he’s going to escalate call someone, or get out with the kids, or phone police if you’re scared.
ts x

[Anonymous]

There’s a way out, if you want out give women’s aid a ring and they’ll find you a refuge, one of the things they do is use our own feelings against us, your husband knows all your buttons to push and may be baiting you ( not sure who he hates as it’s been left out) usually the people abusers hate the most are the ones that are most aware and that could be the strongest influence, I’m so sorry you’ve been going though this I understand what it’s like, you’ve got women’s aid and us to speak to whenever you feel you want to talk to someone we all understand the impact of this horrendous behaviour 💖🤗💖

[Everhopeful321]

Thank you, it all rings true but I just feel so hopeless. I did leave a few months ago but was he persuaded me to talk, and when we did, he came out with all the things in our relationship that I found hard, apologising for them all and promising to change. I came back because I believed that if this was true, if he knew what he was doing to me, it would stop but it hasn’t and if anything is now worse because my sister, mum etc are aware (they were anyway but my husband didn’t know) and so my husband makes it extremely difficult for me to see or talk to them and has to know all messages and conversations. I felt like I almost had the strength to go before Christmas but didn’t and now I seem to have lost all that. I can’t see a way for anything to be better, whether I stay or go, I just feel utterly useless.

[Anonymous]

Your not useless hun, never think that, the fact that he’s named all the things he’s done shows he’s conscious of them, and a man who’s aware of damaging behaviour and continues to do it shows he knows what he’s doing and that he has no intention of changing it to make it an equal, happy and productive one, abusers have a set pattern they repeat over and over, they’re manipulative and pathological liars, we spend ages and wrack our brain trying to figure them out but we can’t because we don’t and will never have the same mentality and keep assuming they are like us will change and understand but they can’t and won’t, they’re like a different species of human, ps his controlling behaviour is a criminal offence now, you’ve done it once and you can do it again and I know how hard it is but you can, put you and your children first your husbands behaviour is seriously unhealthy, life seems to go by quicker as we get older make the most of your right to happiness 💖💞🤗

[Hereforhelp]

If you start to get to a place in your head where you feel you could leave him again (you said you nearly did around Christmas), could you make a plan to leave and stay with a family member?

Abuse only gets worse over time… I wish I had gone zero contact from the moment we separated as these abusive men do continue the abuse, mine started to use our children by saying (amongst other things) I am mad and telling them i lie to them, we have been married for decades and I didn’t believe he would ever involve our children but he did.

Your local WA would help you. I emailed my local CAB and mentioned some of the abuse I had been victim to, they were really helpful and can advise re your finances too.

Your are doing amazing, be kind to yourself, keep posting and take baby steps ❤

[Everhopeful321]

I think the thing that I really have to just get straight in my head, as a first step is that yes this is abuse. I am constantly questioning whether it is or not,whether I’m too sensitive, whether I’m only looking for the negative, whether things will be better if x y and z happen but in truth, I have no say over anything in my life. It’s not about me being strong enough to stand up to him, I shouldn’t have to.
The kids wanted friends to play in the holidays (always a major issue and rarely happens – we live quite remotely so no friends nearby), and his comment was (detail removed by moderator). This controlling and isolating behaviour affects them too yet I can’t get my head around taking them away from him – I feel I would be causing more damage but I know I wouldn’t be in the long run. I just feel exhausted by the constant backwards and forwards in my head

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