Confused

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry to vent here again. I am just being dramatic anyway, I know that. I’m sorry.

The other day my husband had a violent outburst. This happens a few times a year and it generally always follows the pattern of a build up of critical comments, snide remarks, mocking me, berating me, etc. And I feel it building up and I feel his pressure getting higher until the eventual explosion of violence. Then he resets to zero on his pressure gauge. He is normally really kind to me for a few months until it starts to build up again.

So the other day it got too much for him and I got a few slaps really. Nothing that bad. But enough. And he was contrite and nice since then. As I say, we normally we get a good few months after his temper flares up.

Only (detail removed by Moderator) he came home and was fuming with me. Just absolutely furious for a really stupid reason involving the kids. I can’t even post why here, because it is specific enough that he would recognise it. But it is something relatively trivial and insignificant, but he was was furious with me over it. Shooting me daggers all evening.

I am reeling, because I don’t understand why he is being so horrible to me all of a sudden? He normally is always so nice after a temper explosion like he had the other day. But he has been so angry tonight.

(Detail removed by Moderator) I was shaking, because I was frightened by the way he was acting, and he made some really mocking remarks. Just laughing at me, basically.

But I think he actually was pleased to see me scared, it amused him. That attitude frightens me, cos I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like that. Mind you I had my back turned and saw his expression reflected in the kitchen window, so maybe he is always like that and I just don’t see it. Because I don’t think he realised I would look at his reflection. Maybe he always laughs when he frightens me. That thought chills me. I feel ill just considering it.

I don’t know, probably I am overreacting. Well I KNOW I’m overreacting, cos he didn’t even lay a finger on me. I just ignored him and finished loading the dishwasher. I could just feel the contempt emanating from him and I don’t even know why he is so angry over this tiny thing.

He would normally be fine with me for a few months after he lost his temper like he did the other day. But this time he is so angry already. He has never been like this before, with the bad moods so close together. I’m really confused.

Anyway, I just acted normal and he went away, so I know I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. All he did was verbally berate me, couples do that all the time. It’s just a normal disagreement. We have different opinions on raising the kids. That isn’t exactly groundbreaking or unique to us.

Sometimes he can be like this, angry and critical one day and then he’s absolutely fine for ages after. But not normally so soon after an outburst. Honestly I wonder if he knows that I am aware that he tends to be nicer after an outburst. So possibly he is trying to show me I’m wrong to just assume that and I shouldn’t get cocky. I don’t know. Sometimes he has a very clear pattern, but then he has times where it’s really unpredictable too. I don’t know.

I don’t know what he’s thinking right now. I feel like I have no room in my brain for my own thoughts or feelings, because I am always occupied by trying to mind read him, and work out how he might react before I do or say anything. I am getting exhausted. I am reaching the stage of getting fed up with his criticism. Fed up feeling so self conscious and useless. I could take the occasional violence, and I have endured that for years. I don’t like it, but I could live with that alone. But what I am struggling with is the constant criticism. That has been getting worse and worse all the time and it’s exhausting me. Especially since I gained weight, that has made him so critical of me. But I feel like I am empty inside and I need sweets and chocolate to try to soothe me. If that makes any sense whatsoever. I’ll see how he is over the next few months anyway.

But I am so confused about his current behaviour. Anyway, I am probably being dramatic, cos he didn’t even do anything. It’s just because I wasn’t expecting this anger. I love him, but I am getting so exhausted by his constant berating me.

[Twisted Sister]

He has done something, he has done a lot, and noone deserves this, its inhumane to treat another human this way, but the mother of your children, its utterly despicable.

You saw that look on his face, caught that expression, and felt fear. You are not dramatic for expressing that to us. It may be that he would call you dramatic, but here you are far from dramatic to express that, its the very least you should be doing is telling someone whats been happening to you all these years.

The moment he first laid a hand on you, or denegrated you, made you feel fear of him, was the moment he broke his relationship with you, because he showed you hate, not love. He showed you how powerful he is and how you must fear him, so that he can have control.

you are not dramatic, or making a mountain out of a molehill, and couples do not berate each other all the time. Couples that love and respect each other never berate each other, thats not what people in love do.

Do you do this to your children? Do you berate them, threaten them, hit them, deliberately scare them to show them who holds the power? No? I’m sure you don’t, and why? Is it because you love them and don’t want to hurt them, because of your love for them? Love is not painful. Feeling fear is knowing hatred, thats not love.

You are bound to feel exhausted, there is no room for you in your head and that is the point, keep you too exhausted to defend yourself, to have your own mind, your own space, freedom to do anything.

Look after yourself, prioritise you, you and your children need you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Bananaboat]

Whilst it’s a cycle, they don’t like us to feel settled their aim is to keep us walking on eggshells as you’re more compliant that way, as you’re already doing you make excuses for him and accept more as time goes on.

If you go on the freedom program website there is a YouTube video of what a good vs an abusive partner looks like, couples do not argue to the point of violence and control through fear. It’s a common misconception we’ve probably all fallen victim too on here.

The thing with abuse is that it escalates, you might not believe it or even see it as it can be subtle but it will escalate. They enjoy the power – like the laughing you saw. Plus, if he did this when he came home I assume the kids were still up? He’s not protecting them is he.

Walking on eggshells, being scared of his reaction, feeling not good enough, trying to do more and more to please him, second guessing yourself and your actions are not a healthy relationship, it’s abuse and it is very exhausting to live that way xx

[gettingtired]

You are not being dramatic (which is something they often tell us we are – that’s gaslighting).
The exhaustion you feel always trying to read him and gauge what sort of mood he’ll be in is very normal. I know the drill. Constantly walking on eggshells and it feels like all the space in your mind is taken up on him. Dr Ramani does some brilliant videos on YouTube I’d recommend having a listen. This is often why when people leave they almost don’t know what to do with themselves because they no longer have that full time job or constantly trying to ‘read’ their abuser.
Please don’t undermine emotional/psychological abuse. You said you could tolerate the physical abuse once every few months but it sounds like things are now escalating where he is continuously chipping away at your mental health.
It sounds like emotional eating (wanting sweets and chocolate etc) and this is very normal too so please don’t berate yourself for this.
You could always call the national domestic abuse helpline to start with. It will be a weight off your shoulders to be able to speak about this to someone if you’re feeling ready x

[Anonymous]

Thank you all so much. I am genuinely taking on board what you are saying, because I don’t know if I can keep having myself whittled down into less of myself and more who he wants. I have realised that’s what’s happening. I am no longer even a person, I’m just a vessel to serve him. I have no personality left, I am just a robot of the characteristics he wants, cos he has programmed me to be exactly what he wants. Why can’t he just accept who I already am, why does he have to change me? He uses fear and threats of violence. But even worse than that (for me, obviously I don’t speak for anyone else) is the way any confidence I’ve ever had is gone, any self esteem has been eroded, and my sense of self has been decimated. His constant criticism, his constant snide comments, his constant mocking, his constant oh I’m only trying to help you improve type comments. Everything that he does to keep me down. Keep me feeling like s**t, cos that way I am easier to control. More and more I am waking up to him. To the disgusting tactics he’s using on me. He is the love of my life, but I am not his. Not even close. I am starting to see that. And on the one hand I think well what do I need to do to make myself more lovable? If I could only do such and such then he would love me more. And another part of me thinks that I will never be good enough for him. Nothing I do will ever be enough. He might have loved me at the beginning of the relationship, god he was so in love with me then, he worshipped me. And he RESPECTED me! But not now. And maybe even not then. Maybe not ever. Maybe he has never loved me. I’m sorry, I am crying so b****y much, I’m scared I wake him up, even though I’m not in the same room as him. I better stop this, I’m a b****y embarrassment. We actually had a really nice evening/night. Gentle and kind again. But I know it won’t last. And all your words are going round my mind too, making me wake up to some awful, awful truths. Now I just need to work on my courage. And work on stopping loving him, which is so hard, even though he can be so horrible to me. Maybe I am a masochist without even realising! How else do I explain my deep love for someone who clearly thinks so little of me. Thank you all again, so much.

[Author]

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