Confused

[Ocean]

Hello Lovely Ladies,
I’m so confused. Recently I’ve been remembering the good times. The positive feelings of love and hope. I can’t accept that it was any different, and I’m starting to think it was me. He always said I could never be happy. Anybody else ever feel this way?

[Bananaboat]

I have these days, it’s like our mind is playing tricks on us. I’ve found looking at old photos/journals/posts helps to remind me. Abusive relationships and trauma bonding are similar to addiction and your body & mind are going through a withdrawal, not to mention every ‘normal’ break up has these ups and downs days too. You miss the person you thought he was and the hopes/dreams you had for your life together, you don’t miss the real him xx

[Lisa]

Dear Ocean,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m sure lots of women reading will empathise with this.
It is normal to hold onto and to mourn the “good times” but as mentioned above you have to remind yourself that these times were part of a cycle of abuse. Sadly they were not genuine good times. It is so confusing and can leave you guessing yourself. If you haven’t done so already it could be helpful to write down some of the bad times, to remind yourself of the reality. Him saying you couldn’t be happy is a manipulative thing to say, to make you feel responsible, which you are not.

If you’re not yet in touch with your local domestic abuse service, now might be a good time to consider accessing some support, such as The Freedom Programme.

Keep Posting,

Lisa

[nbumblebee]

Oh sweetie i totally get this every second of every day when hes nice. I think its why so many of us stay we just believe its us all us how can people who claim to love us treat us this way it doesnt feel right does it? I mean who would do such things?
Its so much easier to just believe the problem is with us we need to change not them but sadly sweetie this really isnt the case and somewhere deep down inside us all we all know that its not really us we just so so so want to hold on to the hope the good days the love they sometimes show the smiles we sometimes manage.
We just want to hang on to that so badly right?
Dig deep remember who he really is what he did or said write things down read them back trust in yourself and believe in yourself. Stay safe stay strong xx

[Blue7]

I feel this way right now too…but you guys are right. I look back at photos and remember the bad things that happened that day or week and it snaps me back into the here is why I got out.

I miss the him that was being nice to me when he wanted me back. I don’t miss the everyday him, the put downs, the speaking to me like I’m a child, the silent treatment, the angry outbursts and door punching. I do not want that.

I think these men put on a good show when they think we are going to leave which tricks us because we can love and forgive. Something they can’t do. X

[Anonymous]

Yeah I feel and think that way sometimes too (I know what happened) but I question it still, I find it hard to think of them as abusers (even though 100% they are) lit’s still a shock to me (I think it’s called cognitive dissonance) but yeah but all the depression and how we’ve ended up and all the reminders help us determine how sick these people were and the good times were really just all about them and their self gain trying to keep us tied to them and manipulation so it makes it easier but yeah I get it
🤗🧡🤗

[Wheelgoround]

Hi everyone,
I want to share with you an emotional experience that you might associate with because it is causing me a lot of stress and confusion. It’s been a year that we’ve separated and we have a toddler that I actually take care completely on my own since he is very busy harassing me with the legal system and terrorising me with shared custody.
Despite the fact that some days I feel really grounded and satisfied with my decision and have a sense of hope some other days, like the past week, I am in a state where I doubt myself and wondering if all these bullying and rage and fear were only in my mind and that maybe I am at fault too.
Recently I read an article about how the lack of boundaries and low self esteem can lead to manipulation and abuse and I kind of felt disappointed and unsatisfied with myself that I stayed with such a bad person for so many years. It is as if I feel responsible not for his abuse but for my tolerance and ignorance that has led me to have a child with him that will have to face the consequences of his father’s behaviour.
On top of that I feel my heart bouncing every night which keeps me awake and the next day my exhaustion is unbearable because I am breastfeeding and haven’t slept since long ago.
My question is, do you relate to these mixed feelings? Is this part of the process if trauma bonding and why do I still feel guilty and responsible for ruining his life as he said?
The emotional state I am going through reminds me of the days when I was with him and in denial of the dynamics of abuse. But is it normal to feel the same without being with him anymore? When does this self doubt stops popping up?
Love you all, take care and stay safe

[Author]

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