Confused

[Pineapplepie]

Does anyone know of where I can go so I can explain myself and what I’ve done in the past and if I have caused all this, I want to know if the hurt I’ve caused him has made him the way he is, like he says it has or if he’s made a lot of the situations into a huge issue. This is what I believe as I don’t think many are huge issues and could have been moved on from but I do get what he means at the same time and I don’t want to dismiss his feelings but some things, like replying to a few messages to a male and not telling him aren’t a huge thing (innocent messages)

Im confused

[GreenHope]

Hi 🙂

You can call Women’s Aid and talk through your situation, they’ll listen and help you to make sense of it. It helped me so much when I was trying to make sense of everything I was going through.

Have you heard of F.O.G? It stands for fear, obligation and guilt. It’s the set of feelings that are commonly instilled in us by our abusers. Almost all of us have either blamed ourselves or doubted that their actions amount to abuse, at one point or another. Confusion is the most common symptom, honestly.

Whatever you might have done, you have not “caused” his behaviour. His behaviour is a choice that he makes all on his own as an adult.

When you say “made him the way he is”, would you like to share any of what that looks like? (Without using any details that he would recognise if he came across your post, or they’ll be removed). Perhaps some of us can help you to make sense of his behaviours.

 

[Pineapplepie]

Thank I didn’t release I could call them, I will find the number as no friends of family know anything and I think I’m at the point of wanting to tell someone.

the things I mean, have I made him paranoid, angry, aggressive, he drinks a lot, I’m sure he takes coke on a weekend, is an over thinker, he’s argumentative, he doesn’t trust me, he can get in really low moods where he wants to sleep or to be left alone, he has panic attacks sometimes, mood swings, he goes through my phone at times, he doesn’t like me talking to men and if I do talk to them he needs to know every detail, he has anxiety, he talks badly about my friends and family, he shouts and me and sometimes hurts me physically, he is short tempered

[Lisa]

Hi Pineapplepie,

Just to save you having to track down a number, here are some options of who you could contact:

Women’s Aid Live Chat service – not a phone number, but you can discuss this issue with a Support Worker there.

National Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge) – 0808 2000 247

You could also search for your local domestic abuse service using our service directory and give them a call to talk things through. They should be able to provide some ongoing support too, if you’d like that.

You mentioned that he sometimes goes through your phone so please do think about safety when reaching out to any of these services. Contact them at a safe time when he’s not around. Think about using a safe device that he doesn’t have access to, this could be someone else’s device, a public phone, Safe Space, or you might want to buy a cheap alternative phone if you’re able to hide this safely. If you can only use your mobile, make sure to clear the call log. If you need to save the number in your phonebook then using an alias is a good idea, some women use a random woman’s name, or save the number elsewhere, not in your phonebook. Abusers often escalate when they feel their power and control is threatened, so it’s best not to let him know that you’re reaching out for any support.

If you need any information about staying safe with your internet activity, please see our “Cover your tracks online” page.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Hawthorn]

Hi pineapplepie,

Im so sorry you’re experiencing this awful coercive control and horrific abuse from your partner. I know you think its your fault, but that’s because he has brainwashed you into believing that. He knows exactly what he is doing and choses to behave this way. It is not personal to you- this is simply his way of being in the world and he would treat any partner he has the same way.

How do I know? Because I lived it too. Mine had a different name and a different face but they all behave the same way. Knowledge is power: Google the power and control wheel and the cycle of abuse. The Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That is a literal lifesaver and you can read it for free on your phone, you’ll easily find a free pdf if you search.

There is a life for you beyond this horror if intimate terrorism you’re enduring. Keep reaching out here for support and if you can tell even one person- perhaps your GP? – in your real life whats happening it will make all the difference. You are so brave and do not deserve this.

You are not what he says you are.

Sending you love and light on your journey xx

[Author]

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