Confused

[englishbullterrier]

Wasn’t in a relationship with my daughters father, we dated briefly and I fell pregnant. When I told him he didn’t want to know as was just moving in with a girlfriend, this was a huge shock as we were planning on starting a relationship together. Throughout the pregnancy I kept him updated, when his partner left he wanted to know. During pregnancy he wasn’t the best would say its my fault he isn’t there for our baby, that he’d tell our daughter it’s my fault and she’ll hate me. So I did everything I could to enable a relationship with them both. Would let him stay over at mine, turn up whenever he wanted. (timeframe removed by Moderator) he said he was going to kill himself turning up one night which he didn’t leave then he moved himself in slowly into our daughters room. No physical relationship between us as he’s always said I’m too fat and ugly for him. During the time he was here I’ve realised how bad his drug problems are. He’d stay at mine (timeframe removed by Moderator) then stay elsewhere over the weekend making no time for our daughter. Whenever I mentioned felt like he’s using the house, he’d be vile saying I’m the issue I’m drama and always causing an argument. One night he was very paranoid sleeping with a (specific detail removed by Moderator) because my children saw this I’ve safeguarded them and phoned the police. Told him he’s threatened to kill his mum. (legal detail removed by Moderator) I’m feeling confused because I’ve chased this man to have a relationship with our daughter, don’t understand why he’s behaved in this way and why me dating would be an issue he didn’t want me. However I miss him, he’s been a constant communication for (timeframe removed by Moderator) years even though we weren’t in a relationship we’d do things together with our daughter. Feel guilty for phoning the police.

[Lisa]

Hi englishbullterrier,

Domestic abuse can be really confusing, you’re not alone in feeling how you are. Abuse is all about power and control and it can sometimes help to make sense of things if you see it in those terms. That’s why he will make an issue out of you dating while simultaneously putting you down and making you feel not good enough for him. If you date someone else then he risks losing some of that control. He was emotionally manipulative in putting the responsibility for his relationship with your daughter onto you, blaming you for his absence and threatening to ruin your own relationship with her. That put pressure on you so you felt you had to chase him, again, giving himself the power.

You did the right thing safeguarding your children. It’s normal to feel guilt and to miss an abuser. The dynamics of domestic abuse can create a strong bond, he was the person hurting you but also someone you relied on for constant communication and doing things together. It’s okay to miss those parts and to grieve the loss of them. It might be helpful to see those nicer behaviours as also part of the abuse, if he was nasty all the time it would be much easier to have nothing to do with him, abusers know this. Even during the “nice” times, he was still controlling how you got to feel by choosing how he treated you.

You might find the Freedom Programme helpful in understanding the dynamics of abuse and making sense of your experiences. If you’d like some ongoing specialist support, you could reach out to your local domestic abuse service, if you’re not already in touch with them.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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