Confused Again

[Elderberry]

For months now I’ve had verbal abuse from my husband involving criticism and name calling and I’ve realised that there has been controlling behaviour for a long time. My husband has said that he recognises it now and is trying to change but it just keeps breaking down and we go back to him being nasty and criticising. It’s been directed at both me and our eldest daughter. It’s a cycle of him being really nice and then it breaking down again.

Now he has said that he can’t cope with what I see as normal family life e.g. the house being a mess or our daughters not getting ready to leave the house fast enough etc. He’s now left me to look after our daughters more or less on my own but has told me that he’s sorry for doing that. I work as well so things are difficult to manage.

However, he talks to me like things are normal and talks about future plans. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I’m trying to be understanding about it but feel exhausted and actually quite angry about it all. I’m really questioning how long I put up with this and at what point I say that’s enough. It’s difficult to know what to do for the best. If anyone has any thoughts on this it would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to drop in and say I hear you!!

It’s exhausting! My husband has stopped helping in the house but complains if there is a mess, if we are going somewhere, he will moan at the kids and I to get ready while he is sitting playing video games so we end up having to wait on him “as it should be”! We also get the future plan talk – if we are out and he spots an elderly couple, he comments to the kids that’ll be me and mum in x years.

I can’t give advice as it would make me a total hypocrite but hopefully one of the other ladies will be able to offer some words of wisdom!!

[Elderberry]

I understand completely. It’s exhausting. I know it’s not how a good relationship should be and we shouldn’t be feeling like this.

[Bananaboat]

Oh gosh can I relate to this! Even though I’ve told him it’s over he was showing me houses for sale as if we’d buy them together, is talking about holidays and how he’s going to help out more. Flip to him not paying any bills for weeks, no gifts at Christmas, no contribution to food purchased and going out drinking & taking drugs with his mates. Went out for a few hours this week, came home at 2pm the next day…it’s exhausting and sorry to say all part of their plans to hook us in and keep their hold. Saying sorry doesn’t excuse the bad behaviour but for some reason we allow it. Look at it another way, he’s getting away with doing nothing to help out but is twisting it to be your issue. Just classic abusive behaviour in a different disguise I’m afraid and his tactics will keep changing until he finds something that works or he gets bored, or you break free xx

[Elderberry]

Hi Bananaboat. You are exactly right. It’s just more abusive behaviour. It’s exhausting and wears you down. I’m slowly getting to the point where I can say this isn’t acceptable and start to think about myself. I hope you are doing the same because this type of behaviour isn’t acceptable.

[Bananaboat]

Thank you yes I am, slowly but surely but even that’s a journey as these men don’t let us go easily. Look after yourself x

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