Confused and doubting myself

[Letthecatin]

Hi, I’m new on here and just need someone to tell me I’m not going mad (or that I am, if that’s the case).
(Detail removed by moderator) my partner of (detail removed by moderator) years attacked me after many years extreme controlling, I stood up to him when he didn’t want me to leave the house, I tried to call the police and this was only the second time he had physically attacked me (he wrestled for my phone, smashed it and in the process pinned me down by my neck, I’m calling it an attack but not sure it really is) but after it my legs were so wobbly I couldn’t stand so I was obviously very scared and I had bruises on my neck a few days later. After I got myself together I called the police, long story but they didn’t come straight out and came out 2 days later. He was arrested and I gave a statement but said i didn’t want to press charges I just wanted him to leave and not come back. He did come back (detail removed by moderator) days later though, I tried to get help for an injunction but lost my nerve when he involved the teenage children and made me look like I was throwing him out on the streets etc. I said he could stay until (detail removed by moderator) but the relationship is over which he says he accepts.
I told my family (some of) what’s happened over the years and they have been very supportive and a handful of friends. Over the weeks though now he’s playing everything down, completely denying what happened that day and what has been happening for years. He said i baited him into reacting like that because I have wanted to end the relationship for a long time (I have, but I didn’t, I was going for a job interview). All the years we’ve been together he’s done so many awful things I was never allowed out on my own by the end, even shopping, was always being accused of having an affair, he took all my make up, hair products, clothes he didn’t like, would take my phone from me for days at a time, delete contacts, delete social media accounts, you get the picture, and yes I was staying with him purely for the children (4) and as they got older I think he started to realise that things would change. Anyway, to my point, until I write these things down or talk about them, which i don’t really, he’s making me believe that i have actually been making a bigger deal of these things than there actually is, he says no one believes me, only my family and that I’m just trying to make him look bad and ruin his life all because i don’t want him anymore. I’m not trying to ruin his life, I just want my life back, I can’t afford to move out after being made redundant and we own the house together, he won’t move out and I can’t get legal aid to help me get him out legally. I’m not scared of him at the moment because he knows now that I will call the police if he does anything but I can’t move on while he’s here and making me doubt myself. I’m not stupid and I know what he’s doing but living with it day in and day out it gets into your head.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi and welcome to the forum. It’s awful when we realise what our oh is. They never accept responsibility for their actions, it’s all our faults or worse, it’s all in our heads, blowing things up out of proportion. I’m glad you have people on you’re side. He’ll try and make you think noone will believe you outside the family, but they do, we do, and others will too. Have you spoken to women’s aid yet, they have their own solicitors who specialise in domestic abuse. If you don’t work or are in a low paid job you will get legal aid and they do what’s called a claw back and get the money from the sale of your house if that’s an options Everything is so up in the air, so many unanswered questions. I found once I got the legal questions answered it took some of the weight off my shoulders. They’ll give a free consultation to. There’s also a Rights for women legal group you could look into also. Most solicitors do free consultations, try as many as you like, ask questions of us on here to, many have left or have tried different avenues, we’re here for each and every one of us on here, unconditionally.
I’ve been with my husband slightly longer than you, he’s ONLY hit me twice too, but he’s pushed me, choked me, spat on me, pulled my hair, nipped me, kicked at me, twisted my arms up my back(all under the guise of jokingly play fighting) sometimes to stop me hurting him. I’m tiny compared to him, yet he says he’s restraining me so I don’t hurt him, yet when he does it,it hurts, enough to bruise me. the last time he knocked me off my feet, my legs were so wobbly I couldn’t stand up either, so yes he’s physically abusing you.
He’s gaslighting you and minimising his behaviour so your reality to what was said and done, becomes his. He’s restricting where you go, who you see, saying you’re having affairs, so it’s probably him who’s having them or had them. This is projection. Meddling our his behaviour is ehat you do and say. Listen very carefully to what he says compared to his body language, they always admit to doing things but say it’s us that’s doing it. Mine is now saying his heads wasted, o ff got him so crazy he doesnt know if he’s coming or going, I literally said those very words a month ago to him. He accuses me of abusing him, of threatening him. He’s even saying I scare him, he’d report me to the police. All said I might say so calmly and quietly, no sign at all of aggression or threateningly.
Yes he works hard, we have nice cars, a nice home, but it’s so untidy and messy. He throws nothing away, won’t let me dust as it moves his stuff and it causes such arguements cos I dont put his things back in their right place. Hoovering annoys him, so unless I do it during the day it doesn’t get done. I’ve burnt so many pots cos I can’t concentrate when it gets to near the time for him coming home. I never know what to make for dinner as he says everything is s..te. We can’t have a normal conversion as when I disagree with him he accuses me of starting an arguement, that I’ve got to get the last word in, yet he’s the one that can go on and on about jus those wee words for ages. His behaviour is irrational and unreasonable yet he can be utterly charming and calm when he has to be. He always says he’s just looking out for me, I’m naive and too trusting. I’m not now, i trust no-one. We don’t go out as a couple, he’s sick of me flirting with others and showing him up, I’ve never done that, but he’s so plausible I’ve believed it to be true cos he’s said it with such conviction. Has the perfect poker face, can lie to your face and not bat an eyelid. Takes things that don’t belong to him, says he’d have no qualms at shooting someone or stabbing them. Says he’d love to feel what it would be like!!! who even says that out loud never mind think of it. Yet if I said anything about it, I’d be told I was being too sensitive, or couldn’t take a joke.
So you’re in no way crazy, he’s done what’s called crazy making and its grounds fir divorce.
Welcome again to the forum. Keep posting and reading others posts. Knowledge truly is very powerful and you have a secret weapon…US
IWMB 💕💕

[Letthecatin]

Thank you so much for your reply. It has been very strange to read so many similar stories and realise that this ‘a thing’ I really can’t understand why these men do these things, and I’m sure there are women that do it too. I’m a nice person, I’ll help anyone, I do everything I can for my family and I’m a very happy person (when I’m not around him) I’m able to forget it totally. Thanks for your advice, I will get some advice as while I’m living with him I’m paranoid about what he’s doing to sabotage my life, he opens post if I don’t get to it straight away and will swear blind it never came, I’ve just realised that he must have called HMRC and got the tax credits changed into his name so now I’ve been made redundant and have no tax credits, I’ve always been the one in charge of our income as he has barely worked, I always have and have paid the bills, though there’s never been quite enough money to be comfortable or do anything nice so he’s never felt he has to control the money but now i suppose he feels that’s something he has because he’s lost control over me and what I do. I’m rambling but I’m enjoying getting it all out there, it’s definitely a relief.
What about you? I’m so sorry to read your story, I see how you help so many people on here, with advice, guidance, love and understanding, are you ok and getting help? Do you have a plan? 💜

[Iwantmeback]

I meant projection not meddling. Auto typing😔
Yes I’ve sort of a plan in place, I’ve been to WA, spoken to one of their solicitors, spoken to my doctor a few times now, WA helped with a housing application form, I have seriously started saving money now. Can you get in touch with HMRC and explain what hes done regarding the tax credits,in a normal relationship it doesn’t matter who gets the money, but in an abusive one that’s classed as financial control, which was part of a bill going through parliament just recently to prevent that very instance happening. Your local councillor or mp could help with that. My local mp actually deals with this very thing,, fortunately my oh doesn’t control my money personally but makes indirect comments about me never having any money. I’ve always gave him whatever was in my purse even if it meant I went without, you do that in a marriage, what’s mines yours and all that. Thing is he never paid it back or moans that I cast up to him about it. We have taken on debt which on paper looked affordable, but when he won’t set up the direct debit, I’ve ended up paying for them even though its using up all my spare cash, yet he sits with thousands in his account, keeping you short of money when they have the funds to help is financial abuser too.
Ramble away, it helps make sense of a very insane situation. Have you looked up trauma bonding or read living with the dominater,they help clear the muddy waters.
I wish you luck, re your mail could you get it redirected elsewhere, it’s an offense to open someone else’s mail without express permission.
Take care
IWMB 💕💕

[thepoppygirl]

Hi, Letthecatin.
You definitely not going crazy although that’s what he wants you to believe! You not over reacting either. I think most of the abusive partners do this. My partner literately pretends he doesn’t recall anything happening sometimes. He hasn’t hit me but he would say something threatening and then curl up in a ball for maybe a minute and then say he had a black out and and pretend he’s hurt and ask me why his hurting? Or he used to say something threatening and then if I said this is really unacceptable he would tell me that he’s sorry and that he used to say things like that to his ex and she would get really turned on so he thought I might like it. (I don’t). He also plays a victim a lot of the time, he would hurt himself in front of me (punch himself or make a little burn) and then say he doesn’t remember last time he needed to do this because I make him so much better and he can’t see life without me. He knows I can’t cope with seeing others in distress, even if its on TV. Now he he only mentions things that I know from past experience are threatening but they don’t sound it to anyone else. Like saying he’s very sensitive, especially to sharp things, which to everyone sounds just like a weird statement that doesn’t really make sense but to me it sounds like hes saying ‘carry on and you’ll make me hurt myself.
Its a big step to talk about it so well done for posting. Keep reading and posting as IWMB said xx
You’re are not alone and there is always hope even if we can’t always see it in our darkest moments.

Love,
ThePoppyGirl xx

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