Confused and exhausted

[Laloba]

Hey,

I’ve sign up for this forum a couple months ago but barely had the courage to read anything let alone write a post. I’m not sure how to start, I’m very confused. Sometimes I’m 100% sure my ex was a n********t and that our relationship was abusive and others I feel he is a normal guy with good and bad days and that I am a lot of trouble too.

We had our ups and downs, in (detail removed by Moderator) years together he broke up with me (detail removed by Moderator) times and our breakups were getting worse each time. Now, even tho we’ve been apart for almost (detail removed by Moderator), I feel we’re still in the same dynamic. We are not together. He keeps calling me (we have some bureaucratic pendency). Some days he’s the sweetest guy, others days he’s mad, some days he ask for forgiveness, others I’m the one to blame. (detail removed by Moderator) he told me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore, (detail removed by Moderator) later he called me saying he was with another woman and that he was letting me know out of respect, after that he has been calling me every day. I just cry and say almost nothing.

I am heartbroken and feeling defeated. I feel I don’t have the strength to leave this relationship (that doesn’t even exist anyomore), and I cannot even comprehend it. The same certainty that I have that he’s abusive, I have that I maybe a spoiled drama queen.

I’m seeing a therapist for more than (detail removed by Moderator) already, it’s even more confusing. Sometimes she says that the things he does are not ok, but others she agrees with him (like when he told me he was telling me about that woman because he respects me), she says I’m in denial, that I behaving like a spoiled child who does not accept loosing him. It’s frustrating because I was always very confident in my past relationships, and when it was over I’d just move on, now I’m completely lost, maybe because I’m older. I’m (detail removed by Moderator). Feeling like 100.

I’ll stop whining now. I wonder if someone could shed a light. Thanks

[KIP.]

It sounds like your therapist isn’t trained and doesn’t understand abusive relationships. I’d start by looking around for another therapist at least to,get another perspective. What you describe is a typical abuser behaviour. Breaking up with you Multiple times, the push and pull that’s emotionally hurtful. Rubbing your nose in his new relationship. Keeping a hook in you to draw you back into his dysfunction keeping your head spinning. You need to cut contact with him. Use a third party for all communication. Until then he’s going to live in your head rent free, holding back your recovery. Talk to your local women’s aid for support. Have a look at n********t abuse syndrome. Although be careful of putting a label on him. Abusers have many nasty traits. Try blocking his number for a little while at a time then build up to a longer time. Try writing a journal of all the abuse and how it made you feel. Abuse messes with our heads and becomes like an addiction in that it’s very hard to break free. How dare he keep calling you to deliberately upset you. He enjoys this. You need to dig deep and step back from this crazy.

[KIP.]

Confusion and exhaustion describes dealing with an abuser perfectly. They are parasites and suck the life from us. Any contact is toxic.

[KIP.]

Just wanted to say hello and welcome too. I started the way you did by reading posts and I know it took great courage to post on here for the first time but it’s safe and full of wonderful strong women who have been where you have been and will support you going forwards 💕👍

[Laloba]

Hi Kip thank you for your support. I was offline last week because I was so upset. I stayed at a friends and now feeling better.

After telling me he was with another woman he was calling me everyday, until we fought and I said we shouldn’t talk anymore. to be honest I am having a hard time to accept that he might be abusive, that he is purposely doing all this.

I’ve booked time with other 2 therapists, but sometimes I feel that I don’t communicate things clearly enough or that I cannot see my mistakes. I don’t know. hopefully one day I’ll be able to look back and understand what the hell went on.

Thanks again and I hope you’re doing well in your own journey.

[KIP.]

Have a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Triangulation is very common with abusers. Involving another women to make us jealous and confused and have us running back to them. Well done for not doing this. Any contact is toxic and keeps your head spinning. It takes time for the fog of abuse to clear. The Fear Obligation and Guilt to pass. Time and zero contact x

[Author]

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