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I apologise if this is a long post I’m new on here and still not 100% sure if what I am experiencing is abuse or just my husband of many years being selfish.
I have been with my husband a long time and we got together when I was young. He is (detail removed by Moderator) years my senior and when we first got together I suppose I looked up to him and his life experiences. As I had been brought up in a home where violence was the norm it was lovely to have someone caring. Looking back now there were lots of flags which as an matured woman now I would have never accepted like standing me up as he was always working. We have children together and he is never at home. He works long hours and also has some (detail removed by Moderator) he inherited which is spends the rest of his free time on, I do all the childcare, cooking cleaning etc but I also work and am at uni full time. I read the freedom programme book and the chapter about “king of the castle” made me feel sick it reflected my life. My husband just expects me to do everything with no help at all. But on top of this even though I only work part time he very rarely gives me anymore towards house keeping and paying bills even though he is on a relatively good wage so we get no financial help from any where. (detail removed by Moderator) years ago behind my back he bought a property to renovate by using his (detail removed by Moderator)padding away and remortgaging the house all without telling me as I am not on the mortgage. Due to him giving me no money I have had debts including a CCJ I’m trying to work out of this is some form of financial abuse and control and what I do next. I’m am not physically scared of him but I am scared of how a fairly intelligent woman can spend half her life with someone who maybe abusing her?!? -
Let’s not get on with the “how it happened” right now sweetheart. Let’s just get you on to getting away from it. It is financial abuse and a few other forms of abuse here. Who knows what he’s really up to here? I’ve known of men who actually have two families so who knows? This isn’t right what’s happening and you’re good to be prvy to it and doing something about it.
We do what we do for a number of reasons. We are not educated to human predators, we are needy, we are young, we were groomed by previous abuse so it’s easy for someone else to do it, etc. But right now, you need to keep your wits about you and your smart bonnet on because he is not treating you fairly at all and you know it. Do you have legal assistance? If not, you need someone. You have to suss him out now because he has every intention of shorting you on anything that is rightfully yours. And yes, in a marriage, even if you didn’t work, a large part of everything is rightfully yours. It’s not like you didn’t contribute and do a very valuable job here contributing to the whole because you did.
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Hello and welcome to the forum. You’ll find that all women here are understanding so there’s no need to apologise for anything.
Please don’t be hard on yourself. You’ve spent many years being slowly groomed into the kind of wife he wants. If it was done all in one go you wouldn’t have thought he was such a catch.
Yes, this sounds like financial abuse. There are lots of aspects to it. The fact that you’re not on the deeds of the marital home. The fact that he remortgaged secretly. The fact that he is investing money in yet another property that he’s kept your name off. The fact that he keeps you so short of cash that you have judgements against you and which you are expected to settle on your own. The fact that he pays you housekeeping (an old fashioned idea, as if it’s your job alone to shop) and doesn’t care whether it’s enough to cover expenses.
My advice would be to find out whether anything he has done is illegal. And if, should you leave him, how your assets would be divided. I’m no expert but I don’t think that these days we allow wives to be left destitute. It’s accepted that their contribution to the marriage is measured in more than currency. Marriage is an equal partnership that doesn’t give more rights to one half just because they earn more.
Knowledge really is power x
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Hi Burself, I’m unmarried myself (thankfully) but aren’t there certain vows you take when you marry someone?! Sounds like the only person abiding by them are you hun.
Most things you have said I can relate to. My abuser is the same financially. What’s his is his and what’s mine could become his too if you allowed it. When I work more I have to not tell him otherwise he’d withhold money even more,
. Whether you’re married or not I believe if you have children together then both should be financially supporting.The always late from work thing rang bells too for me, my abuser is always late and spends every weekend out. He’s also spent no time with his children at all. He couldn’t tell you what they’d favourite foods or colours etc are and that’s down to him not being interested.
My abuser is a serial womaniser on top of other things. He doesnt even try and hide it anymore. You deserve better than this, don’t waste anymore of your life away on someone that isn’t giving you anything back. You deserve love, time and financial stability. This isn’t okay xx
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Thank you ladies I know what he is doing isn’t right I always just thought he was selfish but this week I’ve had so many lightbulb moments it’s scared me to death o had yet another conversation with him about how I won’t keep feeling this way so now I feel in limbo will this get better (I doubt it) what will splitting up look like honestly I’m scared
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Burself these men aren’t just selfish. There’s alot more to their behaviour. Start doing abit of research into why they do these things and you’ll be very surprised at the outcome. But it will all make sense to you once your eyes have been fully opened.
If the conversations are helping you to deal with it then you could try, but expect to get the same response from him every time (probably nothing)
And do not feel ashamed or embarrassed about your marriage potentially coming to an end, you’ve done nothing wrong. I would suggest doing some research then maybe speaking to a solicitor. Big hugs xx
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I’m trying to have these conversations almost like a precursor so he isn’t shocked if o decide I’m done. I honestly don’t believe he would ever see himself as abusive at all he can be ao lovely and will do anything for anyone except me . I need to build myself up to this it has been a long relationship and if I didn’t have the kids I’d find leaving much easier
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I bet when you met him he would of done anything for you too! But now he has you where he wants you, so he doesn’t have to in his mind. This is emotional abuse and not okay. You have feelings too and they are being ignored. And I know what you mean about the kids part. I think I’d of left my abuser along time ago too if it wasn’t for the girls.xx
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Hello Burself,
I had that awakening too, not long ago. This forum is a Godsend.
Have a look at the thread “This is my abuser”… it may have slipped down the list a bit and it’s very long, but you’ll get the gist.
Also, next on your reading list should be Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”.
Make contact with your local Women’s Aid, and, if you don’t have your own cash, get yourself an account that he doesn’t know about and start building up your own reserves.
Educate yourself. Build support around you. Get yourself lined up to leave. You might never do it, but that needs to be because you decide not to, not because you can’t.
Keep reading around this forum, and keep coming back. You’ll get loads of support here. We’ll all at different stages of the same journey. X -
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