Confused and seeking insight

[littlewing]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for (detail removed by moderator) months and it’s a very volatile relationship (we live together). We met in rehab and things moved very quickly. I’m trying to determine if it’s abusive, but my therapist is very concerned based on what she’s heard, especially since he has three guns. We mostly fight when he is jealous which is often. I have a bad tendency to bring up exes which I know is wrong, but his response is disproportionate. He has never physically hurt me on purpose but when he is very angry, the threat is there.

Some of the things he’s done/does and other red flags:

Threatens to kill himself if I leave him
Makes joking threats about physical abuse (detail removed by moderatot)
Ex-wife accused him of physically abusing her (he was always drunk and doesn’t remember but is positive this is a lie)
Once when we were fighting, he pulled out his knife and cut himself (I had to stop him from doing more damage)
Tells me I need to lose weight (under the guise of being concerned about my health)
He called me a w***e when I revealed how many men I’ve slept with (he said “maybe your mom is right” in reference to her calling me a w***e)
He’s very possessive. He jokingly threatens violence to potential rivals.
Physically blocks me, stands over me while yelling
Hits or throws objects when he is mad
Reads my text messages (on lock screen)
Threatens to hurt my cat or aggressively pushes her off the couch or bed
Frequently threatens to leave or go out drinking (relapse)
He elbowed my face in his sleep and when I reacted he angrily told me to get over it
(detail removed by moderator)
Got mad at me for not wanting to have sex when I was sick
(detail removed by moderator)

Writing this list was very illuminating and I’m feeling pretty helpless right now. Any insight is appreciated.

[Flowerchild]

You say it’s a ‘volatile relationship’. Relationships are between people. People can be volatile; I don’t think relationships can be, though. That sort of talk is code for abuse, really, isn’t it? He’s verbally abusive, threatening and clearly dangerous. The house is not a safe refuge for you with him in it. The relationship is short-lived and you have no ties except the shared roof, so you can plan to get away quickly and cleanly. Don’t tell him until after you’ve gone, so he can’t stop you leaving. His potential self-harm/suicide threats are not your problem. You didn’t create this monster and you can’t fix him: nor are you under any obligation to try. Do you have somewhere safe to go? It is worth alerting the police on the 101 number that you’re planning to leave and feeling unsafe. The Women’s Aid number will help you access advice for leaving safely. Is he actually licensed for all those weapons?! The police need to know he’s not safe to have them. Are you in the UK? Get yourself out of there to safety ASAP, lovely. Flower x

[littlewing]

Hi Flowerchild. Well, here I am almost a year later and still with him. However, we just broke up. I’m very scared of what he might do. I’m in (detail removed by moderator).

I’m also very worried about my housing situation. I have no savings to transition me while I look for a roommate.

[Lisa]

Hi Littlewing

Good to hear from you, sounds like a very scary time at the moment if the relationship has just ended, i would encourage you to call the 24hr helpline on 0808 2000 247 just to go through some safety planning so you feel prepared for any situation. They can also talk you through your housing options if you need to find alternative accommodation. You should also be able to get some local support from a domestic abuse charity in your area, click here to search for them.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi littlewing

Thank goodness you posted here sweetheart.
You want to think of your safety first. Housing second.

Has he moved out? If so can a friend come stay and with you or you can stay with a friend and organise your next step from there.
Call women’s aid, they are open now. Call them and ask how to keep yourself safe.

Housing can be sorted next week when all offices are open again. Women’s Aid will be able to advise and guide you who to contact too.

Keep posting to let us know how you are doing
Sending you hugs 💕

[littlewing]

Thanks everyone. For better or worse, we made up. I told him if he has another angry outburst we’re through. I know it’s a risky decision, but I feel like I want to give him another chance.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi littlewing

It’s very good to hear from you.
Leaving an abuser is such difficult decision to take and of course you love him and see the best in him and wish to give him another chance. Because you are kindhearted. We all did. So many times.

You are quite right to keep an eye open for his angry outbursts and setting your boundary. They’ll probably will show up at some point again. Did you read about the cycle of abuse?

Whilst with him, ensure you are keeping your financial independence if you can.
Self-care is very important too. Self-care can be translated in so many ways, doing what’s best for you is the main message to remember.
We have learnt from the abuser to constantly turn our focus on him and making sure he is satisfied. But it’s really ok to care for yourself first.
Do stay in contact with trustworthy friends and family.

Would you consider calling Women’s Aid and tell them about your situation, they’ll understand your decision completely and will be pleased to support you with keeping up your boundary and provide you with safety tips in case he is bursting out with anger again.

I remember a very powerful quote from a post on here saying “you can love him AND you can leave him”. Keep this in mind when he is abusive to you. It’s absolutely within your right to do both.

Sending you a very big hug sweetheart 💕
Take good care of yourself honey and keep posting here to let us know how you are doing

[littlewing]

Hi HopeLifeJoy. I’ve been in touch with the Domestic Violence Hotline here (detail removed by moderator)and they’ve given me a lot of great tips. We are pretty financially independent so that’s not an issue. I just have an intense fear of having to live with a stranger if we break up. I have a lot of time during the week of for self care because I work days and he works nights.

My therapist encouraged me to talk to friends and family about what’s going on but I don’t want them to hate him. But it makes me feel pretty alone in the situation. Having the support here and through the hotline helps a lot.

Thanks for your support and kindness.

[lover of no contact]

Hi littlewing,

I think it’s so important that you keep reading the posts on here daily if you can and posting very regularly. Your boyfriend has serious red flags. There’s a very good book called “The gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker where he has a questionnaire on how dangerous our partner is.. from what I can remember your partner ticks all the boxes. As well as you feeling afraid to have a stranger as a roommate I’d say you’re back with him because you’re afraid to not be with him because he’s shown you what he’s capable of. I’d keep your supports close to you and keep working on a plan to get away from this serious dangerous man with your DA worker. I know you’re worried your family and friends will think bad if him if you tell them what he’s done but they should think bad of him; he’s a very bad man. Good men don’t force you to have sex when you’re sick; a good man wouldn’t call you a w***e, wouldn’t frighten you by using a knife in themselves, wouldn’t cause you distress by hurting your cat; wouldn’t yell at you and use their body to block you etc, etc. A good man would adore you, cherish you, want to protect you from harm , would never intentionally hurt you.

He is a bad boy type and it’s only a matter of time before things escalate again to fighting etc. Dint let him know you’re working in a plan to leave; they are most dangerous when they know we want out of the abusive cycle.

Google the Cycle of Abuse and the Power and Control wheel. Keep posting and reading the posts.

I got out of my abusive relationship and I never thought I would; there were so many obstacles; keep reaching out for help to leave ; that’s the key.

[littlewing]

Thank you. Kudos to you for getting out. I guess the good is still outweighing the bad for me.

I’m focusing on saving money so I have a month’s rent in savings in order to give myself time to find a roommate. If that isn’t possible my plan is to leave without giving 30 days notice to my landlord, put my stuff in storage, and stay with a friend until I figure things out. I’m the type of person who hates to lean on others so the second option would be really hard for me. I make too much money to qualify for any type of housing aid, but too little to have savings.

Another thing he did after I made the first post is he told me my vagina isn’t tight enough. I have to say this is the most hurtful and humiliating thing a man has ever said to me. He even compared me with his ex wife. It was vile.

[lover of no contact]

And pity you couldn’t say back that his d**k isn’t big enough lol. But there’s no point. He’s only being true to his nature. Abusers abuse; that’s all he’s capable of. A complete waste of space as my barrister said about mine.

Sounds like you have a good plan. Plan B and Plan C. I didn’t actually end or leave my abusive relationship as so many of the ladies in here do.. I just couldn’t leave or end it but luckily I started to change my emotional thinking (that along with the trauma bond was keeping me with him) by attending a support group and posting and reading posts (detail removed by moderator). I started to change and he upped the ante to put me back in my place and sent me a separation letter. I knew this was my way out; my feelings wanted me to beg for him back (he would have had me back; he said to my relative he never thought it would go through the separation) but luckily the strength is gained from the Forums and support group helped me grab his offer of separation with 2 hands!

Keep posting littlewing. It’s too much to deal with on your own.

[littlewing]

No I definitely couldn’t say that! God knows how he would react. He needs constant assurance that sex is the best with him and that I don’t need a huge penis to be satisfied (his is average). Now he tries to make up for the comment about my vagina by praising it, but that insecurity will never go away now.

I definitely believe in the trauma bond. That two hours or so that I thought we were over, it was like I was losing a limb. It was almost worse than death. It’s hard to describe.

We are going away (detail removed by moderator). The last time we went to this place ((detail removed by moderator)), he made a joke about my sexual history and when I got mad at him, he cut himself. Needless to say, I’m a bit apprehensive, but I am excited about getting away.

I’ll keep coming back. Thank you everyone.

[lover of no contact]

Littlewing,

You can still post when you’re away for support if you need it. Touch base with us any time you feel your buttons pushed. I hope (detail removed by moderator) isn’t an isolated place; my gut feels he’s not trustworthy.

Keep posting.

[littlewing]

Thank you. No,(detail removed by moderator) isn’t isolated. We are staying (detail removed by moderator) is always full of people.

I will keep posting.

How do I get notification emails when I get new responses?

[Author]

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