Confused and stressed

[doubtingmyself]

Hi, very stressed out and confused at the moment so thought it would help to write it down and see if any of you had any insight please? I feel constantly worried about my partners potential behaviour, just as I’m talking myself into doing something, like leaving, he’s all lovely and normal and I’m reminded why I’m with him.
I think I am starting to handle him being controlling of me- I am standing up for myself more and not changing plans to please him. What is worrying me is that he occasionally shouts at our toddler- he screams his name at him when he’s doing something he shouldn’t, being a bit cheeky or something he’s been told not to do. Every time I have told him not to. He now makes snide comments like ‘well we know I’m not the perfect parent’ or ‘Well that is how I parent, I will do it anyway’ or ‘look, my way works, he is now quiet, behaved’ and basically tells me that I am just giving in and my way of parenting doesn’t work (I say firmly not to do something but don’t make a big deal and instead try and distract).
I’m all of a muddle….

[KIP.]

Can you ring the helpline or contact your local women’s aid. You need help understanding his abusive tactics X

[Firsthope]

My ex did exactly the same. He was always saying things like that to me. It made me feel I wasn’t good enough. And I ended up letting him discipline the kids on his own and felt like I had no control or say because “his way was better” and “I give in to easily”. It puts you down and eventually he’ll have all control. He should be supporting you not putting you down. Please call the helpline they are very helpful

[doubtingmyself]

Thank you for your replies.
No, unfortunately I am struggling to find time to phone. I did a couple of times and got no ans/answer machine.
Thanks for sharing your experience Firsthope. At the moment I’m trying to stand my ground but have noticed that smaller comments could be easy to miss or get slipped in before I’ve noticed. Slippery. The more I read on here the more I notice.

[WesternCloud]

doubtingmyself, this is abuse!! No matter how much you stand up for yourself (I used to be able to do the same) he is abusing you and your son. As long as you keep your son there you are exposing him to the abuse and he will start to have issues himself, it is not ok. My ex used to discipline my kids “in his way” and it was hugely detrimental to them, I just ignored it and quietly comforted them when I could. For him to say “my way works look at how quiet he is” shows in itself that your son is scared to behave like a normal child. You have the power to remove your son from this situation, do you want him to grow up in a home with a highly anxious mother? In a home where he fears upsetting your partner? The knock on effects on the rest of his life could be massive if this carries on.
It is because of my kids that I had to leave, if it was just me I could have stayed constantly putting up with the cycle but when the kids started to show signs of high anxiety, expressing concerns to other family members, losing their confidence, worrying about me I had to snap myself out of it and leave. They can’t decide where they live and who they live with when they are little, they can’t protect themselves and stand up for themselves, thats where we need to step up as mothers. Your partner will never change, this will never change. I urge you to think about your son and whats best for him, no amount of you standing up to your partner will protect him from the abuse. As long as you are there it will continue.
Sorry if it sounds harsh but I am only drawing on my own experiences, the fact that you even have to ask the question shoes that you know it isnt right.

[doubtingmyself]

Thank you for your reply WesternCloud, much appreciated perspective!
I can see from reflecting and reading what I and others have written that is it abuse. What I am struggling with is that it is occasional, do I take my child away from his father? At least at the moment I am always around to stand up for my son; how will it be if I lose that?
Should I tell my partner what I’m thinking of? I’ve read a lot that this would be a bad idea, but what if it’s a wake up call and he stops the shouting?!

[White Tara]

I evicted my abuser last (removed by moderator). (Removed by moderator) from one i first told someone official to me making a police report. I don’t have any children but you do need to do something but do not breathe a word of it to him. It will just give him more ammunition and control you even more. Speak to someone, understand the processes, plan a strategy and execute it. You need to ensure the safety of yourself and your children through out the whole process.

[fizzylem]

This man sounds like he doesn’t respect you and it breaks my heart to hear he is shouting at your toddler – when all he wants to do is explore and discover. Your gut feeling is spot on – this is wrong. I stayed with my partner for (detail removed by Moderator)and tried again and again to help him not lose it with the children, he has one child from a previous failed relationship and we have one between us – both of them have anger issues but my daughter is now finally learning to control her temper and feel the benefits in doing this. I kicked him out when she was (detail removed by Moderator). I’m hearing you feel powerless and just don’t know what to do and I can relate to that so much. The only regrets I have are that I didn’t do it sooner and that we didn’t plan the ending, I got to the point where I felt like I was going mad, going round in circles with the same discussions, thinking yes finally we agree, he gets that he needs to set clear boundaries, walk away, stay calm, but then it was as if we had never had the conversations at all the next time – I can now see this is because he is a n********t and passive aggressive, he is reactive and has very little emotional intelligence, ‘you’re doing it to me’ – its always someone else’s fault – no real sense of personal responsibility – but it took me a hell of a long time to work this all out! Children are reactive and as adults we are required to respond to them – this needs emotional maturity, especially when we are tired ourselves. I managed to get him to ‘temporarily’ move in with his sister then never let him back. I think if we had talked more and planned the ending together, rather than it being an explosive finale, then it wouldn’t have been so hard on my daughter – she was grey with grief and disbelief for a few months, lost the trust and safety she once felt in the world for a while that she felt when knowing we were always there for her together. It got worse, I did have some influence when we were together when he lost his temper, I could get the kids out the way, or get him to walk away and go for a breather, once he left and was seeing our daughter on his own, I felt I had no power to help her whatsoever, I was wrong, she needed me to step in for her just as I had when he lived with us. Thankfully he would often just drop her home when he’d had enough, so I could attend to her, but this didn’t help the situation it only prolonged it, meant he didn’t have to deal with it; and what bout the times he didn’t do this? She was left to try and deal with it as best she could alone. Finally, after (detail removed by Moderator)
he has admitted that he can see it is not right, that he should always stay calm, but that is because I involved her head teacher in our discussions and have said if you don’t stop it I will contact children’s services as I am not going to deal with you any longer and I need to know my daughter is always safe while in your care (he is v abusive, disrespectful, controlling and threatening with me). I think he now gets it – really hope he does, thankfully my daughter and I have the type of relationship where she will talk to me about dad losing it and I will be asking her questions after every visit. It has been a dreadful time getting us all to this place though. Sounds to me that at the moment you are together and unhappy with him shouting, and that he needs to know how serious you are, how unacceptable it is, a lot of parents snap on the odd occasion, but more than that then something needs to be done. This is stressful because you know it isn’t right and feel powerless to change it – but you can. Have you tried talking about it when things are ok between you? Not at the time it happens? Wondering how long its been happening and whether at the moment he has the opportunity to change with your help or if you have moved past this? Something I have learnt fairly recently is that it is when we are in isolation that abuse can grow and continue. Is there anyone you can introduce who will give you some backing? Anyone he respects? Talk openly about it with family when he is around? Not in a critical way, in an empathic way, from his perspective, your perspective and your toddlers? So often we think this sort of thing should stay within the family unit, when maybe even talking to other mum’s and dad’s and listening to how they deal with tense family situations may help you work out a way forwards. If possible I think you really need to come together on this and decide how you are going to deal with it and if that can’t be achieved, this is one big red flag. Hope you get it sorted.

[doubtingmyself]

Thank you for your replies and your help and suggestions fizzylem, sorry it has taken me a while to reply. I didn’t receive a notification and it is only now I’ve logged back in because something else happened that I am reading this. You are right, it has been going on a while but I feel like my eyes have only been open for a year. He went to therapy and it helped, now these ‘incidents’ happen about once a month but they still aren’t right. The last one was a few days ago, this last one and the one before have happened infront of different family members, on both sides, and they have confronted him straightaway. I have also spoken to him in a the calm afterwards but think we’re still in a cycle. There are more people in my wider circle of support who are aware, to a point. But when things are good it’s hard to know what to do.
Thank you for sharing- my biggest worry is that if we leave then I can’t protect my child if he has them by himself?! (detail removed by Moderator)

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