Confused but determined to leave

[Reebees]

Hi, I’m new to this site and only really realised how abusive my husband is on the weekend so it all fresh. Anyway I’ve been with my husband since we were teenagers and things have always been volitile with heated arguments especially when we been drunk but we both been through so much together. We have months, years sometime of no incident but then stress will start and the bad behaviour will start creeping in. Little things like when I was off on Mat leave he would come home and shout what the **** I’ve been doing all day. This is very unpredictable. Sometime he will be like don’t worry, go out and see ur friends, have fun we sort house together then out of the blue on other occasions he go mental for the same thing. I’ve always know he’s dominant and has a temper but alway pushed against it and made sure I do what I want and see my friends. This has become harder since I’ve had my baby as I can’t just tell him to like it or lump it attitude. So think I’ve been slowly changing my behaviour to avoid arguing. I’ve stop socialising in evenings and weekend and meet friend for lunch when he’s in work instead. I make sure I’m home by time he is and try and walk dog, clean house and make food when I’m off. I feel so much pressure to do this and it ruining my time off. I work full time, have a dog and little one, I have no family support as they live away so I don’t stop. My husband seem to be happy and lovely if I meet his expectations and my life revolves around our little family (we do have a lovely family life when we out together, holidays, days out and lots of fun) but min something else takes my attention away he kicks off. This time it was because my Nain was I’ll and dieing of cancer so for a month I was worried sick about her and going up to see her for (detail removed by Moderator) weekend in a row. When she passed away I had to go to funeral on my own as my husband don’t get on with me family and take my baby up with me. It a (detail removed by Moderator)hr journey so not easy. I could let on the phone when I got up there he was in a bad mood with me after being lovely the day I left so I just ignored him thinking he get over it. I drove down after few days at 4am to be in work by 8.30am. I was shattered and he was in a mood and wouldn’t help out since the min I arrived home. I tried to help him snap out of the mood by doing everything and being nice but I was also I’ll. so when my day off came that week My and my little one stayed home. I was suppose to get (detail removed by Moderator) for tea but didn’t have time as worked when she had a nap and went to (detail removed by Moderator). Anyway, came home and but little one to bed. He was clearly annoyed. Anyway we ended up arguing and he lost it like I’ve never seen him before, he scared me, kept prodding my shoulder and saying what are going to do about it. I told him if he hit me I would phone police and leave him. He took the phone off me. I tried to defuse situation and went to watch tv and he kept on then ended up head butting me. I couldn’t believe it as never gone physical before and it scared me more as I was sitting down. I instantly said it was over and he said I didn’t hit u too hard.i said u just head butted me in face are I went to car with baby monitor for things to settle down. Since then I phoned help line, he’s moved to spear room and I’ve asked him to leave ASAP which he agreed to. I’ve been to support worker, talked to loads of friend and booked in with solicitor as 100% adiment that I’m not staying with him. Anyway he is now trying to worm him self back. He’s bought some books and admitted he emotionally and physically abusive and that he needs help. I’ve said we need to separate and if he really has help we might try but that without independent help for both of us then there no hope.

He is now asking to stay in spear room so he sees baby and dog but that we lead seperat life.

Has anyone else tried to work on it when separated or is there really no way a abusive man can change?!

Hard to stay strong and remember how horrendous the attack Was especially with him being nice now and saying things like I’m trying to support and give u confident I’m sorry if u think I’m being controlling and our relationship is amazing really I just need help controlling my anger and stop bottling things up.

Any help or advice on how to stay strong. Thank u if u ready the whole post as lot to cover 🙈

[Malachite]

Sounds like you’re coping amazingly well with all that stuff you’re going through. As in, you’ve seen a support worker etc. You sound v strong to me, but I hope you can stay strong like you want and he doesn’t hurt you anymore. Well done for calling help-line.

I don’t know if I should/can answer the question “Has anyone else tried to work on it when separated or is there really no way a abusive man can change?!”, but I sort of tried it. Basically I’m not sure if mine was as abusive as your partner, but we decided to seperate, but go on one last holiday for the child’s sake and he managed to wriggle his way back in. That said, you are probably better at handling relationships than I am and may be able to cope?

Honestly, it’s a good start that he’s admitting he’s abusive, but too late to expect you to give him the spare room! You shouldn’t feel guilty if you move out or get him to move out. Sometimes he may seem extra nice just because he wants something. Ideally you’d get out while your baby is still young, but you know the situation best. I’m really sorry this is all happening to you, you don’t seem controlling at all btw.

[Reebees]

Thank you for ur lovely reply I do feel strong but he has a way to talk him self out if it and make me feel sorry for him. I also trying to give him a glimmer of hope to remain amicable so we can make agreement as min he know how serious I am then mr nasty will be back out.

Do u mind me asking, When u say he wiggles his way back so u mind me
Asking did things improve or after the initial happy grateful period things built up again? Did u stay with him?

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Reebees, welcome and I’m sorry to hear what has been happening.

They’re always nice after being aggressive and violent, it is part of the Cycle of Abuse. Google the Power and Control Wheel. I’m afraid to say, they never change. It sounds like he has been emotionally abusive for a long time and the physical abuse has started. It always escalates. Don’t believe a word of what he says. Keep going ahead with your plans of separating and go no contact with just arrangements for him to see the child through a third party. He will try everything and anything to stop it from going ahead but if you stay you will not be safe with someone who thinks it is acceptable to abuse you.

[Reebees]

That so hard to accept That he is just not a nice person as 80% of the time he is lovely and is a good father but I know I can’t accept his behaviour any more but don’t nessessry believe any one can’t chamge if the really want to. Lot of his issue is low self esteem and insecurities but enough is enough. He’s really annoyed me tonight as he’s trying to stay and saying he’s not a total bas***d with me and tries to support me and build my confidence. I’m worried now he’s chipping away at my head and he won’t move out on weekends. Limited contact isn’t going to work really as we have no support so will need to pick up and drop baby 3 times a week. I don’t know what to do if he refuses to leave. I’m solely on deeds and he has no occupancy right to house but can’t throw him onto street. Any suggestions anyone???

[endoftherainbow]

Hello, I was always in the mind to give another chance, but so many years later, I’m afraid it doesn’t work. He sounds so abusive, and if you allow him back they think its permission to carry on!! I get its hard to throw him out, but at some point you have to put yours and you kids feelings first, if they are big enough to attack their partner/wife they can find somewhere to stay xx

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